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The quickest, cleanest laughs!

Need a wicked short joke to tell that anybody can hear?

Below are 48 of the best clean jokes. Short and sweet. Check them out!


1. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

ImHully

2. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

megan_james

3. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong"

Moltenfirez

4. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

Spysquirrel

5. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

Dave-Stark

6. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks"

I said "Don't mention it"

3shirts

7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

kate_winslat

8. I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I just have beer.

PM_ME_TINY_DINOSAURS

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9. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

alosercalledsusie

10. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"

DinosRoar1

11. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

PM-SOME-TITS

12. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Is it one or two? One... or two?

Undescended_testicle

13. What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.

Tetragon213

14. What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

Sooowhatisthis

15. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

BiffWhistler

16. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

leahcure

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17. So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.

Jefferncfc

18. How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

fireworkslass

19. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

ImHully

20. Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

rangers_fan2

21. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

Rndomguytf

22. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

WikiWantsYourPics

23. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said "40"

3shirts

24. I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.

It's shift work.

3shirts

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25. I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

breadman666

26. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

kailey_sara

27. What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

Melchiah_III

28. Wife says to her programmer husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."

Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

SuperFreakyNaughty

29. Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

-georgie

30. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey.

Wicked_Wanderer

31. What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.

Icy dead people.

mysevenyearitch

32. Knock Knock

Who's There?

Dishes

Dishes Who?

Dishes Sean Connery.

Birdie_Num_Num

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33. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

Deerhoof_Fan

34. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!"

The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"

The2ndKingInTheNorth

35. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

KaboomBoxer

36. My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.

-917-

37. People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.

But people in Abu Dhabi do!

stevenmc

38. Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

justacheesyguy

39. I've been told I'm condescending.

(that means I talk down to people)

iblinkyoublink

40. How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

plax1780

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41. Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

BoxxerUOP

42. What's ET short for?

He's only got little legs.

3shirts

43. What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.

laurtw

44. Why arent koalas actual bears?

They dont meet the koalafications

ImHully

45. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

auran98

46. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

msdarth

47. Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date.

I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.

I_know_where_you_is

48. 2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?". The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!".

Electric_Evil

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