Married People Share The Red Flags They Missed Before Tying The Knot
Relationships can be difficult, and a good relationship will always require some compromises.
Sometimes people change over time. If it gets to the point that all you're doing is compromising or excusing the other party's behavior, you've no longer got a relationship.
Reddit user u/pharmapharmacy asked:
She was on the rebound from an engagement with a guy by the same name and had only been in town for a couple hours before we met. She always wanted me around, which I found flattering, and believed it was because she really cared and liked the things I did. As it turned out, she was pathologically unable to spend time alone, and just adapted her personality to whoever she was around. I needed to work, and was gone 8-12 hrs/day, so I moved us back near her family and friends where she grew up so she wouldn't be lonely. She became a different person because of that and we divorced. Same thing happened to the next guy. And the one after, I presume; I lost track.
That's really sad, actually. She sounds co-dependent. I know a friend like that, and it's truly heartbreaking watching her go from personality to personality, trying to be what she thinks someone else wants. It's exhausting and heartbreaking for her partners, too. At the end of it, everyone ends up feeling tired and betrayed.
I was very sick, puking, shaking, sweating, and feeling like I was close to passing out on the bathroom floor.
He was playing on his phone the entire time. Not scared of puke, just completely uninterested in my well-being.
Not me but what my mum heard from her MIL the day after she married my dad.
"I don't know why ___ got married, he's not a family man."
My mum thought she was just being cynical of her son, but she was 100% correct.
That his mom was a damn lunatic. She could be your best friend or worst enemy, sometimes in the same day.
Did she ruin the relationship or did he begin to take on his mom's traits?
Good question, a little of both. She was also a habitual liar, and that's the trait he took on the most. He would forget what the true story was and tell his version to people that all knew better - just got sad by the end of our relationship.
Oh yes, many red flags. I guess he wasn't 'completely' different after marriage.. He cheated on me a bunch, I forgave it all, then 2 months after the wedding he told me he was polyamorous. TOLD me, didn't ask if it's something we could try, whatever. So he started dating and sleeping with other women.
I was a total dumbass. He figured I was such a doormat before the wedding, that after it, he could really get away with whatever he wanted.
We are divorced, and I'm happier than I've ever been with a new man who has eyes only for me.
Glad you're out and doing well.
I mean, there's nothing that says you can't be legitimately polyamorous and also an @sshole.
He told me he wasn't happy with his 1st wife--no biggie. He'd been married once before (I'd been married once before). Not a red-flag. He'd never say anything bad about her, though. She wasn't crazy. He just 'tuned out' of the relationship.
About a year into the marriage, He tuned out of our relationship. He wasn't abusive---he just wasn't "there". He stopped communicating, stopped having sex with me, wouldn't discuss the problem much less anything else. Then he told me he didn't want to be married anymore. I tried to fix it for months but when I was sent to a new state for my job for a 6 month assignment and he categorically refused to come visit me (even when I offered to pay his travel expenses), I realized he wasn't 'coming back'. He was just going through the motions, like an automaton. I told him I wanted a divorce. The next Christmas he called me, drunk, and said he missed me, everything was his fault and he knew it. I told him to come to marriage counseling with me and we could fix this. He refused. He was with someone new not long after, so I heard on the grapevine.
I don't stalk him on line but I have a feeling anyone he marries will find him 'tuning out' in a year. Marriage is like a 'prison' to him. Once he says the vows and he's tied in, he feels trapped, so he emotionally leaves until you leave him---absolving him of the guilt. You were the one who left, after all. I feel really sorry for anyone who ends up with him. He was the greatest guy ever, really seductive in the beginning, flowers, romance, the works. A real charmer, great husband for the first 6-9 months and them BAM! He's off leaving you wondering what you did 'wrong' and why he didn't love you anymore. Which makes it so much harder to get over. If he'd at least abused me or cheated on me (or I'd caught him cheating?) or he had some other horrible flaw, I could have walked away with at least a sense of self-righteous rage to sustain me.
My ex fiance after I asked her to marry me became clingy. She would call me and text through my entire work day and then if I didn't respond quick enough I'd get a passive aggressive text, voicemail, or email about how she feels like I'm cheating on her. Eventually I was tired of the accusation and the apologies i had given even though I did nothing wrong.
She was a liar for attention. She tried telling me she was a twin, she wasn't. It was just minor things that to me just seemed stupid. She would lie about how she used to train dogs (she used to be a groomers assistant). She talked about everything she had plans for and seemed relatively put together.
Once we got married her lying didn't stop. Mainly when I asked "are you on tinder?"
I got sick for a few years and she told me "I didn't sign up for this." Should have broken up then.
People are defending this as "honesty." I think it's a major red flag. It's one thing to express something like that in a serious conversation about the future. It's another to just say it for no reason.
My ex used to say, "if I ever feel X way I'll leave you and take my kids with me." Yeah...we weren't even married yet and didn't have kids.
His family had f*cked up boundaries. And he had no opinions of his own when it came to them.
I wish I'd spotted this one ahead of time too. Having a f*cked up family isn't a big deal, there's skeletons in every closet. But sweeping it under the rug and pretending life is fine while people constantly violate your boundaries and privacy? That can destroy relationships.
There were a million red flags, but I ignored all of them. How they treat literally everyone else will be how they treat you. If they lied to everyone, you can bet they do it to you too. I am an idiot, but now hopefully a wiser idiot. Probably not though. Keep walking into the same brand of rake.
What his ex wife said about him as a parent. He told me that she was lying and that he did all of the work when they were together, she was lazy and wouldn't clean the house, and that she only cared about partying with her friends. Once I had a baby with him, I realized she was completely honest and I was on my own.
When I met her parents and all they did was yell at each other.
Turns out that's how she thought couples should communicate.
It didn't end well.
Went through something similar with my husband. We had to learn how to fight. I am sorry she didnt feel like compromising or exploring another way to do things where both parties feel they can be heard.
Never married but I was engaged. He was very smart and went to an Ivy League school and once told me a monkey could do my job. Always thought he was better than me and smarter than me and would put me down in front of his friends. Just brushed it all off. His self righteousness and never admitting he was wrong because he was so much smarter and better than me so I must be the wrong one all the time is what made me call off the wedding. Happy I dodged that bullet but pretty upset I let so many red flags slide for so long. Turns out I'm not always wrong and I'm actually pretty smart.
Weird thing, but she couldn't be wrong.
Where I didn't pick up on the red flag was she could not be WRONG. She wasn't a know it all. She would admit if she was unsure. But if she put forth anything, a belief, a memory, she treated it like gospel truth. She could be ignorant, undecided, but not WRONG.
This lead to horrible arguments where she would refuse to believe how she remembered something, even if 3 other people were backing me up, happened.
This happened after we got engaged and realized a month before marriage. I realized my fiance was selfish and only cared about herself. I finally had enough and broke it off with her and ate the cost of the wedding and it was the best decision I ever made. It was her second failed engagement and 10 years later she is still single and looking to rope another schmuck into her web. Saw her on a dating app and noticed she cut off 5 years off her age just a few months back, had a good laugh.
The biggest red flag I missed was early on we brought photo albums to a coffee date to share stories about our families etc. She brought two whole albums of photos of just herself in different outfits. I thought it was weird, but thought perhaps she wasn't comfortable sharing photos of her family yet. Turns out she only cares about herself and that I was right to be concerned and should've gone with my gut instincts early on.
The most obvious red flag that I ignored was the pre-wedding planning. Prior to being engaged my desires were acknowledged and provided for or promised.
As we began planning the wedding, my opinion was not relevant unless it was to say "Yes, I agree with you". I was either being difficult, I was ignored, or we were made for each other!
This behavior continued through the marriage. She would ask my advice, if I didn't care I was an ahole and she would do what she wanted. If I said no, I was an asshole and she would do what she wanted. If I said Yes - I at least wasn't an asshole.
Compromise needs to work both ways.
My husband and I got married kind of young. He was a workaholic when we met, very easy going, & was happy to stay home & chill instead of going out. He seemed to enjoy going out more the longer we were together, but I always had to be the one to make plans, or we'd never leave the house. The one thing I really wish I would have paid attention to was my concerns about how his family treated me, & his lack of concern for how I felt about it. He always dismissed my concerns. When I would tell him that they clearly didn't like me based on things they said to me, I was told I was over reacting.
I guess I thought their feelings towards me would change or that he would hear my concerns & believe what I was saying. I should have paid more attention to the fact that he never seemed to believe what I was saying his family was saying to me, & he always took their side. This has been a trend throughout our marriage, & after 28 years of what turned into a very dysfunctional marriage, we're getting divorced. I wish I would have seen from the beginning that he was always putting me & my feelings last. It was always up to me to fix, change, or do things in our marriage.
I was in a relationship with a woman a decade older than me and she had a big personality. It was charming at first, until it wasn't. I was pretty young then (like 20ish) and reallllly naive. I just followed her every word because I thought she must be right. After all, she was a decade older than me. She would constantly put me down and make fun of the things that I liked. She would talk poorly about me in public, and the sad thing was my self esteem was so low, I just agreed with her. It didn't help that everyone around us called her "authentic" and "real," meaning that she was supposedly straight-forward and honest. Turns out; she was just very, very bitter and a bully.
A lot of her friends and coworkers, came forward about her manipulative and awful behavior. A couple of mentors and friends had to step in for me because they saw the emotional abuse happening. It took me a long time to realize what actually was going on and all the ways it affected, and sometimes still affects me. I've definitely got trust issues because of that.
I was talking to a girl for about two weeks and she went thru my phone. Usually, I would immediately walk away because that's insane. She found nothing and I decided it was OK because she was the first girl I've liked in awhile and I was tired of screwing around and having one night stands.
Fast forward 8 months and I find out she had hacked into my Instagram, Facebook and snapchat. And guess what, again found nothing. The relationship became toxic when I changed all my passwords and she was constantly questioning what I was doing and where I was.
I shouldve walked away the very first time she went thru my phone 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
We are told that, if you're not confident, you should just "fake it til you make it."
This is great--in theory. In practice, sometimes "faking it" can have extremely real and terrible consequences, which these people found out the hardest of hard ways.