Two priests walk into a bar...
A good laugh is hard to find, especially these days. To make someone laugh is the best way to break the ice and make them trust us, like us, and maybe even love us if we're lucky. Yes, 'Dad' jokes make us groan and roll our eyes, but they can also challenge our brains with their wit, wordplay, and punny-ness. Let's be honest, NSFW jokes are good, but Dad jokes are G-rate!
Redditor u/glitterywings asks:
I Can't See What You Did There.
Sergeant: "I didn't see you at camouflage practice today."
Soldier: "Thank you Sarge."
The Ultimate Dad Joke
I don't always tell dad jokes.
But when I do he laughs.
This is one of my favorites, and is best told with lots if enthusiasm (as most jokes should be told).
There's a cop on the side of the road, checking for speeders. Car flies by, cop sees 12 penguins in the back of the car. Cop hits his sirens and pulls the guy over.
Runs up to the window. "What are you doing with 12 penguins in the back of your car!?!?!"
The guy says "...I dunno..."
Cop replies "Well I think you should bring those penguins to the zoo!!!" "OK" the guy replies.
Next day, cop on the side of the road again. Same car flies by, 12 PENGUINS in the back of the car!! Cop hits the sirens, pulls the guy over, runs up to his window.
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO BRING THOSE PENGUINS TO THE ZOO!!!"
Guy replies "I ALREADY DID!!! AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO THE MOVIES!"
This One Made Waves
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
11 year old me laughed for a solid 5 minutes.
What did the dam say?
A Blind Spot
"Why'd the blind man fall into the well?"
"He couldn't see that well."
Why don't blind people like to skydive? It scares their dogs.
What's blue and smells like red paint?
What's blue but not as heavy?
What did Ann's friend say after Ann tipped blue paint all over her?
Anything by Mitch Hedberg
Anything by Mitch Hedberg
"I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman that would be very angry if she heard me say that."
"I know exactly how hard it is to quit smoking. It's exactly as hard as it is to start flossing."
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'" - Mitch Hedberg
This Speaks To Me
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
Symbol But Sweet
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a big plus.
I live in Switzerland. I have heard this joke about a hundred times. And damnit, I laugh every. single. time.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
A Slippery Slope
"About a month before my grandfather died, we covered his back with lard. After that he went downhill very quickly." British comedian Milton Jones.
Little Timmy is lazy in grade school and specifically is failing math, badly. His parents have had enough of this, so they pull him out and enroll him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, he comes home without a word, and heads up into his room to do his math homework. He's up there for hours until it's all done. Same thing Tuesday and so on. On Friday, his parents come up to his room and ask. "Timmy, what brought this on? You're working your tail off!"
Timmy says "When I got to math class on Monday, and saw that guy above the blackboard nailed to a plus sign... I knew they weren't messing around."
What do you call a hippy's wife?
"Come forth and you shall be rewarded with eternal life!" said God. But Dave came fifth, and won a toaster.
R rated version:
"Come forth and you shall be rewarded with eternal life", said God. But Dave came fifth and had to eat the biscuit.
Laughed Too Hard At These
Why can't tyrannosauruses clap?
Because they're extinct.
Why can't Helen Keller have kids?
Because she's dead.
A piece of string goes to a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Get out of here, we don't serve pieces of string!"
The piece of string leaves, but returns later. The same bartender is there and says "I told you earlier, we don't serve your kind, get out before I throw you out."
The piece of string leaves, unravels his ends, and loops around and through himself. He returns to the bar. The bartender angrily says "Aren't you the same piece of string I kicked out of here twice?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
This One's A Hit At Parties
I was standing in the park the other day wondering why a frisbee appears larger as it flies towards you. Then it hit me.
A Novel Joke or Two
I've written a book about poltergeists, I'm pleased to say it's flying off the shelves. (Jimmy Carr)
I was doing some DIY work and got stuck, so I went to my local library and asked "You got any books on shelves"? (Dave Spikey).
Sometimes I'm So Lazy I Can't Even Finish A
There are two types of people in the world: those that can extrapolate from incomplete data,
Paws A Moment
Q. What's the difference between a cat and a sentence?
A. The cat has claws at the end of its paws, whereas a sentence has a pause at the end of a clause.
A cat has claws at the end of it pause and a comma is a claws at the.. F*CK
Minimum wage is often paid by some of the most physically and emotionally intensive work—service industry jobs. Having to work in a hot kitchen all day or deal with irate customers while being paid less than you need to survive is not exactly the best situation to be in.