20 Funny Wives And Husbands Share Tweets That All Married People Will Relate To.
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes funny tweets about that marriage...
Txt from wife: where r u— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
My wife wanted two kittens but I am the man in this house so we got two kittens— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) January 17, 2015
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 30, 2015
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) July 8, 2015
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it's going to get our kids into Harvard.— momma unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) July 26, 2015
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.— Periw-IN-kle Jones (@peachesanscream) June 10, 2014
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Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) July 17, 2015
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences.— I Was A Teenage Meh! (@TheAlexNevil) April 12, 2016
She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently— Boyd's Backyard (@TheBoydP) July 19, 2013
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.— fabulous af (@toujours_fab) November 28, 2012
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) June 3, 2015
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My husband is home sick from work today and it's like having one thousand babies.— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) December 15, 2014
I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words... Were you fired??— Boyd's Backyard (@TheBoydP) March 26, 2015
Wife: Someone invented a laundry folding machine— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2016
Me: I already have one of those. It's called a w-
Wife: *death glare*
Me: It's called me
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don't need a hedgehog. Long story short, we're picking it up on Thursday.— Yep,they're both me. (@3sunzzz) June 6, 2016
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so...— Marlebean (@Marlebean) August 21, 2015
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying "keys" in case I thought they were llamas.— Svenn Amish (@amishschool) August 21, 2014
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When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) May 24, 2015
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 30, 2015
My husband called me at work because his boss wanted to know where he saw himself in 5 years and needed me to tell him— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) December 23, 2014
My husband's newly prescription eyeglasses don't work. He still can't see things my way. #MarriedPeopleIssues— KBDUB (@kbdub724) January 27, 2016
[sitting at a table]— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 12, 2015
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number
My wife is a total MILF!— rob delaney (@robdelaney) May 22, 2016
*Mammal I've Learned to Fear
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Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) May 28, 2015
Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".— Linda (@LindaInDisguise) May 11, 2013
MARRIED SEXTING: I'm not wearing any underwear...because you never put the laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 flipping times.— Christie Johnson (@cjohnsonking5) September 19, 2015
My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) November 2, 2014
Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015
Breaking up is hard to do.
And when you get the law involved, it's even worse. But sometimes people don't need the law's help to make things overcomplicated, they just have a grand ole time making that happen themselves.
People on the front lines of human cruelty include divorce lawyers. These are their stories.