'Trump Walked Into A Bar': 24 Funny People Share Their Favourite Trump Jokes Of All Time
Since Donald Trump announced his intent to run for US President, American talk shows and comedians have had a field day making fun of his illegal activity, exaggerated stories, flat out lies, lifestyle, tax evasion, the list goes on and on. It's been a golden age for Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers, Samantha Bee, and every other TV host who now has mountains of material to work through each night. But it's not just TV hosts and their writers who have a few wise cracks up their sleeves.
The subreddit r/jokes is FILLED with Drumpf jokes. Here are some of the most popular ones.
Bush, Obama and Trump go to a job interview with God...
God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?" Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!" "Very well", says God. "Come sit to my right."
Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all." "Good", says God. "You shall sit to my left."
Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?" Trump answers: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day. Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind?
The kid replies, You know what, Ive changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.
So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall... On the condition he gets to install windows.
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm President Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."
Trump: The less immigrants that come in, the better
Pence: The fewer
Trump: I told you not to call me that yet
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters so Trump can't tweet it.
Trump is executed and is hanged by the neck until dead. At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.
"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.
"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
There's a term for Presidents like Trump. Probably not two terms though...
Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."
So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Mr Trump, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the crap just comes straight out of his mouth.
How much is Donald Trump's life insurance?
Just one pence.
Donald Trump is flying over New York City.
He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"
His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy."
Donald says, "Son, that's a great idea!"
His wife turns to him and says, "Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people happy!"
Donald looks at her and says, "Babe, that is a fantastic idea! The best I've heard!"
The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, "As long as you're at it, why don't you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people happy?"
Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"
The fortune teller replies: "You will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.
Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.
Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.
Trump: "Whats the time difference between Washington and Berlin"?
Secretary: "Just a second, Mr. President…"
The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.
Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.
He replied, "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again." Trump 20:16.
What can Donald Trump and I both agree on?
That if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I would date her.
On the night of his inauguration, Donald Trump is visited by 3 ghosts.
Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him "How can I make America great again?" FDR replies "Think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets." Trump's face sours "FAKE NEWS!" He screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls back to sleep.
A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington's ghost. Trump asks "Jow can I make America great again?" Washington replies "I would suggest you never tell a lie", which infuriates Trump. He screams for his bodyguards but Washington is already gone.
Around 3 in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks "how can I make America great again?" Lincoln thinks for a bit and says "Go to the theater."
A conversation with God about Trump.
John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signalled by trumpets?"
God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: "Never mind. They'll know."
Some of this material has been edited for clarity.
Quitting a job can be a liberating feeling, but it can also be scary as hell... especially if you don't have another job waiting for you on the horizon.
Thanks to Redditor BurningDruid13, we have some answers to the following question: "Have you ever quit a job, without another lined up, for your mental health? How did it turn out?"