50 Ultimate Dad Jokes. Who Said Parenting Couldn't Be Fun?
These dad jokes will have you running for the cheese grater.
1. I gave all my dead batteries away today
Free of charge.
2. What's the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
3. Can February March?
No, But April May.
5. How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
1 or 2? 1... or 2?
6. I heard there was a new store called moderation
They have everything in there.
7. I dreamed about drowning in an ocean of orange soda last night.
It was just a Fanta sea.
9. I knew I shouldn't have eaten that seafood
because now I'm feeling a little eel.
10. When you have a bladder infection
11. What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?
13. A man tried to sell me a coffin today
I told him that's the last thing I need.
14. What's the best thing about elevator jokes?
They work on so many levels.
15. Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.
17. Whenever I want to start eating healthy
The chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.
18. A three-legged dog walks into the bar and says to the bartender,
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
19. What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?
21. How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
22. My sea sickness comes in waves.
23. I asked a French man if he played video games.
He said "wii"
More cringe-worthy dad humor on the next page :)
25. Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food's great, but there's no atmosphere.
26. I have kleptomania
but when it gets back I take something for it.
27. Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
29. Comedians who tell too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
30. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
31. I'm on a Whiskey diet
I've lost 4 days already.
33. What do you call a fake noodle?
34. I have the heart of a lion
and a life time ban from the San Diego zoo.
35. Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other,
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
37. I said to the Doctor, "Can you give me something for my liver?"
He handed me a pound of onions.
38. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse.
39. What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are 49 cents and deer nuts are just under a buck.
41. I ate a clock yesterday
it was so time consuming.
42. Steak puns...
they're a rare-medium, well done.
43. Want to hear a joke about construction?
Nah, I'm still working on it.
45. I've just written a song about a tortilla
well, it's more of a rap really.
46. What's the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
47. I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company.
It was soda pressing.
49. Doctor, you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
50. My friend was the hardest working car salesman in town.
He came home every night exhaust-ed.
Don't forget to share the laughs!
We are told that, if you're not confident, you should just "fake it til you make it."
This is great--in theory. In practice, sometimes "faking it" can have extremely real and terrible consequences, which these people found out the hardest of hard ways.