Amused Soldiers Share Their Funniest Stories From Boot Camp.

Basic training can be unbelievably awful to go through, but the demanding physical tasks and endless punishments build comradery and teamwork. The situations that military members are put in are intense at the time, but in retrospect sound pretty hilarious. 

Have you ever wondered what actually goes on inside military training bases? Then here's your chance to find out!

Thanks to all of the redditors who shared their stories. Check out the source links at the end of the article to read more.



Out at the range...we're eating lunch. MREs.

One particularly naive private, upon finding that his MRE lacked a spoon, asked the Drill Sergeant if he had any spare "silverware".

They called him "Rockefeller" for the rest of BCS.

As for the rest of us, we were ordered to, at all times, have an MRE spoon upon our person. PT, sleep, ruck march... didn't matter. The drill sergeant would, almost daily, ask the platoon to produce their spoons. Went pretty well for a while, until someone lost their spoon and didn't replace it before the "inspection".

The punishment?

Well, the spoonless private was made "supervisor" of our sandbag filling operation that lasted over the next several hours.

I bet you can't guess what we had to use to fill up our sandbags...

rugtoad 

We had just finished cleaning out the bay. The TL comes in for inspection and finds a dust bunny about the size of a quarter. He freaks out, and runs all over the bay like the dust bunny is chasing him. Then, finally, he unleashes a karate scream and does a flying stomp onto the dust bunny.

Uh oh. Now it's dead... so we have to give it a funeral. There were pallbearers. There were designated criers... as in "I can't hear you 'Smith', do you even give a crap about this dust bunny? His little dust bunny family is without a father." The eulogy, just before we flushed the dust bunny, was given by another trainee who I have to hand it to, did a much better job of not laughing than me.

datcrazybok

Was in US Navy boot camp 14 years ago. On the first night I had to poop, Petty Officer told me to hold it or crap my pants. Held it for hours, and my body wasn't having it any longer and I pooped myself. Then they led us to a room to undress and pack our belongings and put them in a box to ship them home. Being too embarrassed to ask to throw them away, I wrapped my crappy underwear in my clothes and they were mailed home to my mom.

bud-dho

2 guys were caught fighting after lights out. The Drill Sergeant runs upstairs grabs the 2 guys and drags them downstairs. The next morning the 2 guys look worn and ragged but seem to be in good spirits and seem to now be good buddies. Apparently the Drill Sergeant made them hug each other, look into each other's eyes, and say "I love you" to each other nonstop for the whole night.

mandingoBBC

We had a drill sergeant make a private carry a branch everywhere she went so it would replenish all the oxygen she was wasting.

Another time, a mother of one of the other privates sent him a photo of a drill sergeant trashing a locker, with a letter saying "hope you're drill sergeant isn't as mean as this! :)" it turned out that it was a picture of our dill sergeant. He had posted on Facebook that ended up going viral, she was just looking up pictures of drill sergeants and it just happened to be him.

quickforstory8

Now, for the army at least, one of the first "hardcore" tasks you get in training is being sent to the gas chamber. Think a concrete box filled with "Ow, it's in my eyes!" And you kind of just have to stay put for however your Drill Sergeant decides. (He has a stop watch, but he just swings it at people who don't take their masks off quick enough.)

So, we march into the suck square, and they close the doors. We rip our masks off and breath in that sweet hookah from hell. After an existential crisis, and rethinking some life decisions (about five minutes total), everyone is looking 31 flavors of screwed up. This crap burns your eyes, your nose, and especially your lungs.

Anyway, everyone's puking, or crying, and they finally opened the doors to get out, so we stumble out. (One guy tried to get dramatic and crawled out, only to have to repeat it two more times, and he was given the privilege of mopping the chamber after.)

To dissipate the effects, you enter a large clearing and walk in a circle for a few minutes, with your weapon in one hand, your mask in the other. In the middle of this circle is a raised platform where a drill sergeant will perch, making sure we don't die.

However, as we burst from the chamber we heard a voice from the platform. "Hey privates, this crap is for you!"

He proceeded to blast Miley Cyrus' beloved "Party in the USA" over a loud speaker, dancing the whole time, while a group of vomit-encrusted, grown men walked around him crying. It was like the strangest religious ceremony of all time.

Strangely, I somehow love that freaking song.

SGTSunscreen

During my basic - the last Harry Potter book was coming out and a lot of people were having their parents mail them like 50 pages at a time in their letters. Eventually our instructors found out and brought the company in a room and gave away every major plot point in the book. Who died and when and just ruined the book for like hundreds of people. It was absolutely the darkest, funniest thing I've ever heard.

To make it even funnier - when we were out in the woods and getting the trucks that brought food unloaded, they made kids get sticks from the woods and have wand fights in order to see who could get eat first.

It was pretty damn funny.

MeerkatAttack


So, I'll come out and say it, I had a complete breakdown in Basic. I shipped right out of high school, where I was hot crap, and got to Benning, where I was just crap. Like a teenager at a Starbucks, I literally couldn't even.

This inability to cope manifested in my sleep-walking. Or, more appropriately, sleep-standing-at-parade-rest (the modified position of attention you assume when addressing a Non-Commissioned Officer).

I'd always wake up exhausted, and I chalked it up to, y'know, push-ups n' things. It wasn't until a few weeks in that my bunk mate told me, that about twenty minutes after lights-out, I would stand up (still asleep), walk to my "toe the line"* position, and proceed to stand there, unmoving, for a couple hours at a time. I'd wake up, confused, and head back to my bunk.

Everyone in the platoon thought the stuff was hilarious, and it became a game to see how long they could get me to stand there.

"Toe'ing The Line" is what you do every morning upon waking up. There's a painted line that you stand at attention / parade rest at, usually in preparation to get smoked. I still cringe when I hear the term.

Anyway, one particular morning, a Drill Sergeant decided that 2 am was time for us to toe the line and get smoked for some random offense. Or he was bored, I d'know.

So, he walks in the room (everyone else is asleep - fire guard is cleaning the latrine), and spots me - already standing at parade rest. His entrance woke me up, but I stood there, terrified, and unmoving. He looked at me like he saw a ghost, stood in the doorway for a second, and just walked away.

The next day, the Drill Sergeant saw me in formation, and told the platoon that something was definitely weird with me and I was required to have an additional battle buddy present when talking with him for the rest of Basic.

SGTSunscreen

Now, mail call is a beautiful thing. In all honesty, I'd never been more excited for anything in my life than that first Basic Training letter - I don't think I ever will be again. If you want to see a 30-something father nearly crap himself with glee, have his daughter send him a drawing two weeks in. A beautiful, beautiful thing.

Why is mail call so important? Well, there's absolutely no connection to the outside world. If we were invaded by an army of flying spaghetti monsters, we wouldn't know until we smelled the meatballs, y'dig? Also, this is your only means of communication with the family - We received one 30 second phone call upon arrival, and a one minute phone call about a month in.

Anyways, our mail got delayed until about week three, so we got it in droves. Honestly, it felt like Christmas. You've got adults anxiously bouncing up and down like kids checking to see they made Varsity.

Since I was the only member of my graduating class who shipped, and I was semi-cool in high school (don't worry, I peaked,) I received seven letters, from seven different women (I have kept every letter, to this day). Six of these were your typical white envelopes, with the coveted writing of a college girl. The seventh, however, was one of those large, brown envelopes - also with girl writing.

Now, with any letter larger than the typical size, the Drill Sergeant had to open it to make sure there wasn't anything fun in there. In this particular instance, the only Drill Sergeant on duty was our Senior Drill Sergeant - mid 30's, tabbed out, he made Mount Rushmore look expressive.

So, Senior Drill Sergeant grabs my letter and rips it open. He finds a long letter, written in an obviously feminine way. There are also some pictures of friends, a few funny comic strips (that were confiscated) and last but not least, a glamor head shot of the stunning Miss Natalie Portman.

My buddy, also a wise guy, attended the same university as the girl who sent me the letter, and decided to slip in a professional-grade picture of my celebrity crush.

Well, Senior Drill Sergeant has spent entirely too long in the sandbox doing secret squirrel things - he's not familiar with Miss Portman's work. He pulls out this picture, looks at her, looks at me, and says,

"Private, is this your girlfriend?"

I stand motionless, terrified as usual. A pause.

The Senior Drill Sergeant nods his head approvingly "Hell yeah kid!" and he proceeds to give me the manliest fist bump I received in my life. It was glorious.

I happily posted that picture in my wall locker, until one of my dirty nasty squad mates "borrowed it." Gross.

SGTSunscreen

When I was in boot, one of the cafeteria workers walked through the chow hall while we were eating. She was wearing Apple Bottom jeans. Our Drill Instructor was sitting at the head of the table, and started humming "Get Low." Naturally, we all laughed.

So, after chow, we went back to our bunks and got smoked. Drill Instructor put Get Low on the speakers, we did jumping jacks to the beat until they sang "She hit the floor", at which point we had to hit the floor and do pushups while singing. And every time we laughed, he started the song over.

I still shudder when I hear it.

ShillinTheVillain

One of the guys fell asleep during fire watch. One of the drill instructors ambushed him and told him that he was now dead. So then he had to go around being a spooky ghost. So he has to walk around with a sheet over his head booing and shaking everyone's racks. It would have been hilarious if I wasn't so damn tired.

Cessno

In the barracks where I did my basic we had "cubicles" our bunks were separated by a half wall. My bed and the bed of the troop next to me were both against that half wall. Part of our layout for inspection was a specific set of gear on the bed.

One morning inspection our platoon Sergeant decided that the bed layout of the troop next to me was utter crap so the Sergeant flipped the mattress so hard it landed on my bunk covering my layout.

After the Sergeant finished reaming out the troop next to me he takes one look at my bunk and starts reaming me out because apparently I think I'm special and deserve two mattresses.

iamcorvin

One morning in Basic training, it was about midway through our 3 month cycle and we were lined up for breakfast chow. While waiting in line, we had to stand at parade rest in columns of two in our PT uniform. We couldn't move or anything at the risk of being pointed out and screamed at. The uniform consisted of somewhat black short-shorts and a grey t-shirt that said ARMY on the front. Well, one guy in front of me had one of those "No-reason" erections and the Drill Sergeant caught him as he was trying to move to hide it away. He pulls him off to the side and starts screaming.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PRIVATE!? WHY ARE YOUR PRIVATES SALUTING IN THE CHOW LINE!"

Of course this yelling spread to the ears of two other Drills and they came over as well.

"HEY BATTLE COME LOOK AT THIS"

"HEY AT EASE THAT CRAP PRIVATE!"

As this was said, one Drill Sergeant bent down, face inches away from the full mast culprit and bellowed

"AT EASE!"

"PRIVATE YOU BETTER GET THAT CRAP IN CHECK"

I entered into the building before I could hear anything else about it. To this day I still don't know how the Drill Sergeants went through that without so much as a smirk.

visage11

The first couple weeks of Boot are full of medical and dental exams, and if you need a procedure, you get it done right there. Tons of guys had their wisdom teeth pulled, and we had one guy come back right before lights out with his mouth full of gauze and loopy from the drugs.

Our Drill Instructor called us all to the center of the room, formed us up, and then told us to sit Indian style on the floor, and that Recruit Toothy was going to tell us a bedtime story.

He pulled up a chair for Toothy, and then told him to tell us the story of the battle of the Monitor and Merrimac. Toothy mumbled that he didn't know the story, so the Drill Instructor told him to just make it up, and for every fact that he got right, we'd get to sleep an extra 5 minutes in the morning.

What followed was like a live episode of Drunk History, minus any factual accuracy. As best as Toothy could recall, the Monitor was British, the Merrimack was "Old Ironsides", and that in the end, "they shot the crap out of each other and everybody died. The end."

We were all dying laughing, but the Drill Instructor sat there stone faced. After Toothy was done, Drill Instructor just stood up and said "That is exactly how it happened. Well done," got up, turned off the lights, and walked out.

ShillinTheVillain

We had just got sent to bed maybe an hour ago. I was wide awake and staring at the ceiling, as it was still first phase I was afraid to move from the position of attention lol. I hear the Drill Instructor hatch open and I glance over. All I see is his pointy cover stick out of the door, about a foot off the ground-- this dude was low crawling on the floor coming towards my direction. I try to avert my gaze as this large, angry, bald man is skittering across the ground, making a b-line to my bed. I'm staring at the ceiling as I feel my rack start to cave in from his weight. He put his face right next to my ear and whispered

"Hey Stevely7. Wake up. Shh, confident tone."

"Y-yes sir?"

"Screw you Stevely7. Goodnight idiot."

"Aye sir. Good evening sir."

He then climbed down and low crawled back to this room and slammed the door lol.

Stevely7

I'm not sure how it worked in other training schools, but when we got to class, we had to form up and sing the "Army Song" and recite the "Soldier's Creed." Every day.

This daily routine is performed by a soldier pulled - at random - from the formation. Now, this precludes my smart idiot phase, so I was not on the leadership's radar. (Instructors at the school house are different from those who are responsible for you at the barracks. Think like your grumpy landlord vs a bad professor.)

So, since I was Non-Descript Private #6, I kinda blended in. I hadn't said a word to any of the leadership outside my classroom, so they didn't know how my voice sounded.

This went on until the last day, like seriously the last freaking day. Out of the blue, I get called up to sing it out. However, the end was in sight - I could see the light. So, I thought, screw it.

Now, due to my complete lack of athletic ability, general intelligence, or prowess with the ladies, I've had to develop a special set of skills. While rescuing daughters would be sweet, I had to settle for the fact that I can make a lot of different "voices" - my favorite being a pretty good imitation of the announcer for Saturday Night Live / Old School Batman narrator.

So I take my place at the head of the formation, and I belt out the "Soldier's Creed" in the SNL voice. The soldiers started intermittently laughing, but the leadership didn't really respond - maybe this kid is just a weirdo.

I get through all the songs n' such, and it comes time to march us in for a riveting day of crap. When you march in a formation ("File from the left, column left!") the first soldier in each line yells something to their line (either "stand fast" or "forward", I don't know, it's been a minute.) What these cheeky dudes did was copy my voice as best they could. Not cool guys.

And at that moment, the head Non-Commissioned Officer lost his mind. He sprinted over, nose to my cheek, and screamed,

"What the HECK do you think you're doing?!"

I can turn back, I can fix - y'know, nah.

"Using my COMMAND VOICE, Sergeant!"

So, he lost his freaking mind - pulled me from class to scream at me, tried to give me an article 15 (like an army judicial punishment), all that jazz.

Luckily it didn't go through, and I got to use my SNL voice to narrate the new privates getting in trouble. "Loook ouuuut privates! Sergeant's coming! Meeeaaanwhile, in the hallway!"

Good times.

SGTSunscreen

Soldier spit on the ground while we were all standing around one day. Drill Sergeant told him to "pick it up, and put it in your pocket" because you "can't leave any traces of yourself in the field". The look of confusion on the guy's face as the DS repeats the command.. we all just stood there and watched him try with all his might to pick up his loogey and stick it in his pocket lol.

Ganjabread84

I went to Navy boot camp in Great Lakes Il in 1991. Every time a recruit quit/got kicked out, the DI would play Queens "Another one bites the Dust" through the barracks loudspeakers.

christoefur

Not me, but my brother. He was on basic, and the boys decided to do a type of relay race in the hallways. They zipped two dudes, one of which was my brother, into duffel bags. So just their heads were poking out. The objective was simple, two other guys had to run to the end of the hall and back while carrying the duffels. First one back is the winner. Well, halfway through the race the CO walked into the hallway. The boys holding the bags dropped them and everyone booked it back to their rooms. This left my brother and another guy, trapped inside their duffels, desperatley trying to wriggle free while their CO looked on.

frankenfien99

We had a guy with a case of pneumonia who Puked after every chow. After his regularly scheduled lunch chow puke a group of seagulls started to pick at his vomit.

The drill instructor said "go fight for your food"

He had to fight off a flock of seagulls and defend his puke pile for a solid 5 minutes.

orwell98

Middle of the night, 3am, guy goes to the toilet to do his business, sits down, and hears sobbing next to him. Gets freaked out, right? Isolated army camp in the middle of nowhere and in the toilet some thing is sobbing next to you? Hears a croaking sound calling out his name and that was it for him, freaking screams and bursts out of the toilet. Sergeant on night duty comes to see what's up. Guy explains. Sergeant is also visibly freaked, goes to check it out. 

Turns out some guy had gone to the toilet after everyone else went to sleep, forgot to bring his toilet roll with him (regular occurrence apparently, but usually someone else would toss him one when he called out; but this time, he was the last one to use the toilet and so nobody could help him). He didn't call for help because there was a lights out, no talking policy after 10pm. Literally squatted in the toilet until the lights automatically turned off. Didn't occur to him to clean up without using toilet paper. So he sat there. Half-dozing, half-awake, till 2am, at which point he starts sobbing. By 3am he scares his poor company mate with his sobbing. He tries to tell the guy about his situation but is too dehydrated and can only croak out inaudible words. Sergeant and the scared guy come along and finally figure this situation out. The sergeant couldn't even bring himself to punish this guy.

threechance

Some guy kept trying to avoid rucksack marches and other physical activity. So when ever he knew we were gonna go out and do physical demanding stuff, he would say he is sick.

We had a rule that if you were sick, you should tell as soon as we do our morning count. Well he usually only called in sick after they said "We are going out in the field with 60 pounds of rucksack".

One day they had enough and decided to troll him. It was shortly before our christmas/newyear break and he called in sick again.

They told him that they are worried about him being sick so often, so they talked to the medical staff and they want to take him into the hospital over the winter break, to monitor him. He freaked the heck out, because that meant he would have to stay 2 weeks in the military hospital for lying, while the rest gets to enjoy holidays.

He had to call "the doctor", who was one of our bosses sitting 2 rooms away from him. While they were talking, the boss came out (still on the phone) and everyone saw, who "the doctor" was. Everyone was laughing at him for days.

He quit before ending basic.

explision

A drill instructor from another platoon literally collected tears. He carried around a little vial with with him and usually made comments about what he was going to use said tears for. Pretty funny in retrospect.

EyesOutForHammurabi

On a Sunday after chow we got 2 hours of so called "free time." We eat then march back to our squad bays. After "our time is up" we muster outside.

This woman showed up to muster without a cover (hat). DI asked what happened to it and she said she left it at the chow hall (2 hours ago). The DI sent her back to look for it.

Now our bay was maybe half a mile from the chow hall. She came back with one boot strapped to her head. Apparently another DI caught her on the way to the chow hall and made her put her boot on hear head (laces around her chin) so that she would not walking around without a cover.

Even our DI could not hold back the laughter. It was epic.

MexOkie

South Carolina, first Sunday of BCT, DS comes into the bay quietly (unusual behavior usually comes in and beats the crap out of the trash can to wake the platoon) he calmy says "Alright it's Sunday, I like to have Sunday off what do you say we go to the beach" everyone excitedly yells "Hooah Drill Sergeant" as we were taught means yes. We get our PT uniforms on and form up. DS comes out and marches us across the road and into a field where we find a huge sand box. DS says " Welcome to the beach" Private yells out "I was hoping for Walruses Drill Seargent". DS says "We will see Walruses Private don't you worry". After a few hours of running, Mountain Climbers, and just rolling around to make sure we were as covered in sand as we could be, DS says "Hell Privates I have had a whole lot of fun today I just don't want to leave, let's take the beach home with us". So we proceed to fill sand bags with beach sand DS says "this bag is your new Battle buddy, if you loose your Battle buddy I will personally skull drag you back to the beach and fill your corpse with sand". "Hooah Drill Seargent" we yelled. We get back to the barracks and this private says "Drill Seargent I was promised Walruses." DS says "I didn't forget about Walruses Private, Platoon at this time dump your sandbags out." After some convincing (Yelling from multiple Drill Seargent's) we now have a bay full of beach sand. DS says " Walruses like a little water in their sand don't they Privates?" Hesitantly yell "Hooah Drill Seargent" DS says "empty your canteens and your packs all the water you have on your person". Now we have a mess of mud in the bay that we are required to have spotless every morning. DS "you clean this stuff up off my floor" everyone turns to get their towels out of their locker. DS "Where the hell are all of my Walruses going? Get your butts in that water and clean this crap up". So we proceed to flop around in the water until DS decides he is done for the day and leaves us to figure out how to get the beach out of the barracks.

PhuckReptile

One time I didn't clean all the toothpaste off of the inside of the cap during an inspection. DS made me put about a months worth of toothpaste on my toothbrush and brush my teeth for a couple hours. That crap was disgusting.

HotSKing

Marine corps boot camp. First day out in the rifle range. The supervision out there is a little more lax, so the drill instructors can get away with a lot more. For whatever reason my kill hat stopped me in front of where there was a washer and dryer. He yells" thegino, ever want to be an astronaut?!!" Being the good recruit I yell " yes sir!" He responds " good, get in your space capsule " He immediately orders me into the dryer( I only get in half way) and turns it on for on revolution allowing me to flip all the way around before stopping it and probably walking away to hide his laughter. Good times.

thegino

So, we had a guy in my flight, we will call him Tim, who would sleep in the Dracula fashion. Feet straight and together, arm across the chest and the best part, eyes wide open. It didn't help that Tim looked like a goblin already.

We were all sitting in a classroom, I think the instructor was teaching about not smoking or STDs or something, when suddenly he stops talking and just stares into us. "What the hell is he doing?!" Broke his silence and we all looked around to see what he was talking about. Lo and behold Tim had fallen asleep during the class, not normally a big deal for most people, because they just yell at us to wake up and to stand in the back of the room. But Tim was different mind you, so when he fell asleep, his eyes were open and staring into the instructor, and his head and slumped to the side to the extent his ear was touching his shoulder. It was a sight. What made it better was it took a bit to wake him up, so it looked like he was dead. Freaked the instructor out in all kinds of ways.

[deleted] 

I can't remember the guy's name, he was in my Company but a different platoon from me. Nature hated this man.

One day, we were sitting down after pugil stick training to eat our MRE's. This dude sees a raccoon and think "Hey, I should feed the little guy!" So he hands a cracker to the raccoon. The raccoon first takes the cracker with his cute little hands, then bites the crap out of the guy's hand and runs off. Dude didn't need stitches, but had to get rabies shots afterwards.

Fast forward a few weeks. We're on our last ruck march, on a trail in South Carolina. I'm just trudging along, kinda zoned out, when I see some commotion up ahead and a large shadow passing through the woods. Word comes down the line, turns out that the same dude who got bit by a raccoon was run down by a deer. Thing just came out of the woods, knocked him over, and ran off.

Kid swore he'd never live anywhere but the city after that.

gh0stwheel

I went into Basic in the middle of December, I was one of the older guys and knew enough to keep my mouth shut so most time passed uneventfully. The TI's had holiday over Christmas, so we basically hung out in the dorm and cleaned everything all day.

Christmas Eve rolls around and everybody is pretty somber. Some of the kids with me had never been away from home and the holidays were hitting pretty hard for them.

Me and a couple other guys were cleaning the bathroom and shower. And I'm not sure why but I just started singing Christmas carols. I was never blessed with good tone, but I do have good volume and pretty soon, the other guys cleaning with me joined in. We sang several favorites and I think we ended on "Silent Night".

What we did not realize was the tiled bathroom was creating an echo chamber and amplifying our voices considerably.

We walked out of the bathroom and into the main dorm to see about 70 guys sitting on their bunks crying their eyes out.

One guy looked up and me and said without a blink, "You guys are awful" and then went back to sobbing into his pillow.

I couldn't help it....I busted out laughing. It was the most pathetic thing I had ever seen and it was funny as hell.

corsair027

The sergeants always checked through our mail in basic, to make sure we weren't getting anything that might've been frowned upon for having. One of the guys in my platoon got sent Oreos from his mom, and of course the sergeants saw it first.

They called this guy out to stand in front of is all and announced that he got a package. Sergeant brought out the box and said "Looks like you got some cookies from your mom, Chaves. I think I saw some spiders in it earlier, let me make sure there aren't any." He threw the package down in front of Chaves and stomped the crap out of it, then he said "There, all dead."

Chaves ate every last crumb from those crushed Oreos off the ground. Hands down the funniest thing I've ever seen.

Butler_Drummer

Not military but one of my older vet friends shared this one with me:

He was in basic for the navy when this happened. The Drill Sergeant had all the recruits line up and told them that when he pointed to them, they were to charge him and put him on the ground. I guess it was the start of hand to hand training or something. He would point to the first guy, he would charge the instructor, and get put down. "IF YOUR BUTT TOUCHES THE DIRT, IT STAYS IN THE DIRT UNTIL I TELL IT TO GET UP!" He pointed at the next one. Charge, slam. Rinse and repeat a few more times until it gets to CJ (Friend). When the DI pointed at him, he just shook his head. The DI pointed at him again, with more "UMPH". CJ just shook is head and said "Nope". The DI got mad but didn't say anything. He just pointed to the next guy and so on.

When it was all said and done, CJ was the only one standing. DI said, "Since you decided to disobey a direct order, and refused to acknowledge me as Sir, give me 50!" CJ obliged. When he was done, the DI asked CJ why he did not obey the order. His response was, "You ordered me into a suicide mission, sir!" The DI responded, "Since you can't follow orders I need you to run an errand for me. Take this and go get me two Mountain Dews." He hands him a $10 bill. CJ runs off to get the drinks.

When he gets back he hands the DI the drinks and the change. The DI yells, "I am going to make an example out of Johnson! He disobeyed a direct order. This separates him from the rest of you. Can anyone tell me how?" One of the privates answered, "Because he can't follow orders!" The DI countered with, "Because he is not dead. Since he is apparently the only one here with a functioning brain, we are going to watch the rest of you idiots dig your graves with your hands." Then he turns to CJ, "Here, have a drink."

They were half-way done when they were told to fill in the graves because the Mountain Dew just gave the DI the power to resurrect morons.

Kadoza

(Conscription army here) As part of our basic training, we had to throw a live grenade. After weeks of practicing throwing a yoghurt bottle filled with sand and wrapped with electrical tape and yelling "grenade!", we were deemed ready for the real thing. Another recruit stepped into the pit with the platoon commander to ready himself. Hold, twist and pull then throw. Just as he threw he yelled "PIKACHU - I CHOOSE YOU!!!". PC had the most wtf look.

jasperthedog



Source 1.   Source 2.   Source 3.

Have you ever found yourself in an argument so stupid and/or pointless that you were sure you were being punked? Like you keep looking away from the other person to check your surroundings for places Ashton Kutcher and a camera crew could come popping out of?

You're not the only one.

u/Anti-hollowkid asked: What is the dumbest argument you've ever been in?

Brace yourselves, folks. Some of these arguments are breathtakingly bonkers. The sheer number of people who are willing to argue with someone over provable facts and what that other person likes or doesn't like is just ... stunning. It's stunning, you guys. Just not in a good way.

I Know What I Like

Giphy

My wife and I once argued over whether or not I liked mustard on my hot dog. I was for me liking mustard, she was against me liking mustard.

The argument lasted way longer that you could ever imagine it would.

- AardvarkAndy

A Stair Step

My brother and I argued if our staircase had 13 or 14 steps, based on an argument about if the floor of the second floor counts as a stair-step or not. We still have no solution.

- RazerWolf04

My dad is a stairbuilder and I spent many summers working at his warehouse, so I can clear this up. 14.

- Apples9308

Saturdays

My husband and I have this thing where we only say "I love you" on Saturdays. Every other day it's "I love you, but only on Saturdays." I don't know how it started, but it's been going for 11 years now.

We're both shiftworkers, so sometimes we have to stop and think what day it actually is. We had an argument recently over whether it was Saturday or not. I said it was Saturday, he said it was Friday. It was Monday.

- FormalMango

Iraq

I remember when I was about 13 my parents had an hour-long shouting match that ended with them almost getting divorced. The issue? Whether or not the nation of Iraq has a coastline.

My mother arguing that Iraq had a coastline, while my stepdad argued that it did not. This was back in 2004, and they are still quite happily married to this day. That incident is something they look back on and laugh about, and both of them admit it was really a pretty stupid thing to argue over.

- dontcryformegiratina

$40

With an ex:

"I owe you $80 for the bills of ours that you pay, and you owe me $40 for the bills of ours that I paid. Here's $40 in cash; we're even."

She did not understand this.

I literally had to go get another $40 out of the ATM, and hand the $80 to her. Then I had her hand me the $40 she owed me.

"Now how much do you have in your hand?"

She still didn't understand.

She somehow has a college degree.

- Speedly

Mini Wheats

When we were kids my brother and I got in a physical fight because he said I like mini wheats and I insisted I didn't. His argument was that I always sang the mini wheats song and I was deeply offended that he wasn't aware that it was just stuck in my head but I hated the cereal. I actually did like the cereal I'm not sure why I was arguing with him about it but I remember how genuinely angry I was.

- shicole3

Crayons

Giphy

I'll tell you about the only legal trouble I've ever been in, the fight that got me arrested. It started over whether we should return a box of crayons or not, and to this day I don't have any idea how it escalated to the point of the cops being called, but they were and I was the one taken in.

- CorrectionalChard

That's Unfair

My boyfriend insisted that when two people are in an argument and one makes a point so reasonable and logical the other one can't disagree with it - it's unfair. I tried, logically and reasonably, to explain several times why that is just winning the argument, proving your point thoroughly and is completely fair.

His answer was that I was being unfair.

- ShyAcorn

Pure Masochism

How the ch in masochism is pronounced. My friend caught me saying "masoKism" while he would say "masoSYism."

To be fair, he grew up speaking French, in which the ch in masochism is pronounced in "his" way. But he insisted that I was the wrong one here and that was just infuriating.

- argofire

Emailing NASA

A woman was adamant that looking at the big solar eclipse on the television was unsafe unless you were wearing glasses. She wouldn't believe us and insisted on emailing NASA to check.

- derawin07

A Non-Standard Ruler? 

I worked for a company that made signs. We had a customer ask for signs that were 7mm wide that were to go on a door. Our sign makers figured the order meant inches because 7mm is pretty small, so made them 7 inches. I got a phone call from the customer who went mad at me for making them the wrong size. So I put a reorder through for 7 mm.

Argued with the sign makers over it but they eventually agreed to do it after I shown them the order in writing. I even had the customer put her complaint in writing, reiterating the size they wanted.

7mm signs went out and a day later I get the customer on the phone literally screaming at me.

Cue the dumb argument - we ended up having an argument over how big a millimetre is, and obviously everyone in the office were laughing, but this customer just wouldn't accept it and said we must be using a non-standard ruler to measure.

Ended up being escalating to the sales department manager who refused to issue a refund. We still don't know what they actually meant.

- Lovelocke

This Unusual Vegan Argument

Was in a pub with a few friends, and some random Dude dropped an ear, and somehow figured I'm vegan. Well, people like him are the reason I usually avoid mentioning it. He came up to me and insisted on starting a discussion about veganism. He claimed that by the end of it, I would be eating meat again.

He listed some stupid arguments, I told him I was not convinced and then tried to keep on drinking beer with my friends. He followed me, and wanted me to "try to convert him to a vegan." I stupidly listed some of my reasons thinking it would make him go away. He told me he still was not convinced, so I was like whatever. Again, I really just wanted to drink beer with my friends.

That dude followed me all night and expected me to try make him vegan. Doesn't matter what I said, and all the reasons that for me are obviously good enough to be vegan. He'd be just like "No, that doesn't convince me, therefore your argument and how you life is stupid."

Didn't matter how often I told him that I honestly don't care; 5 minutes later he would come up to me again "I'm still not vegan, so veganism is stupid, all your arguments were stupid, now give me a good reason to become vegan!" At one point, I was literally yelling at him that I don't give a single flying f about what he eats and why, that it's in no way my responsibility to "turn somebody vegan" and in no way his business what I eat.

Honestly, for that dude, I would have bought a whole ham, just to shove it up his stupid annoying face.

- onlytruebertos

Monty Python

In college my roommate and I argued about a line in Monty Python & the Holy Grail. The scene with the Black Knight where the line "Alright, we'll call it a draw" is uttered. We argued about who said that line, whether it was King Arthur or the Black Knight.

It went on for hours longer than it should have because I was stubborn and refused to admit I was wrong.

- Skrivus

Albert or Arnold

Giphy

Whether Albert Einstein or Arnold Schwarzenegger would be more useful to have around during a Zombie apocalypse. How on earth would Albert Einstein come in handy!?

- Gerrard1995

Below Sea Level

I live on an island and when you go upland and you look out the sea looks like it's higher than or on the same level as the land. It's just a weird perspective thing because of the horizon. One day some kid says that it's because the island is under sea level.


I'm like wtf bro all of us would be with the fishes. He argues that no that's not true and if I just go upland I'll see. We then spend a good 5 minutes of my time arguing about it until I decided to leave this kid in his stupidity. He even said we shouldn't believe everything adults tell us and sometimes we need to think for ourselves.

This kid was older than me and was going to a good school. Lost my respect for him ever since then.

- -justforclout-

Tomash

Someone tried to fight with me over how to spell my name.

Now, my name is in a lot of languages with slightly different spellings. I would have accepted any of those spellings, but this one was just... Not even close. It didn't make any logical sense.


An analogous example is if my name was Thomas and someone was insisting it was spelled Tomash. And not just the name Thomas in general, but that me specifically, on my birth certificate, was named Tomash. I know how to spell my own name.

I swear to god, it went on for like an hour.

- TK-DuVeraun

Whales Are Mammals

I was in an online chat room one day, and we were talking about whales. I commented on how whales are mammals and the next thing you know, someone was arguing with me and trying to convince me that a whale was a fish.

- kawaii_psycho451

Microwaves

Stupid microwaves. Having a man child talk down to me about how microwaves work only for him to google it and prove me right. He slept on the sofa that night.

- sun_phobic

Shower Schedule

My friend keeps telling me that the norm is that a person should shower once a week. This has been going on for years. I'm almost convinced he's trolling me.

- LibrarianGovernment

No Balloons For Grandma

My cousin and I argued over a balloon going to Heaven. We were at his big sisters prom send off and he let a balloon go and it went high into the sky.

He then said this balloon will go up past space and go to Heaven and reach grandma (God rest her soul). And I was like no it's not and it's probably not even gonna reach space. Releasing balloons is terrible for the environment and kills/harms so much wildlife.

He got really mad and defensive and started telling me to google it and do my research and I'm like I don't have to google it you idiot. He was mad at me for a good week.

- Dskee02

Spontaneous Dolphin Existence

Giphy

How dolphins reproduced. It took me a few solid minutes of explaining to her that dolphins have reproductive organs and that they did not just pop into existence. The argument began with her saying she wanted to work with sea creatures.

Personally, I hope she was messing with me cause I lost a little faith in humanity that day.

- thebeststory

Male Chickens

I repeatedly had the argument with a friend over whether roosters were chickens. She was convinced that only the females were chickens (hens). We were 18 at the time.

- bee_zah

Lightning McQueen

Me and my friend were drinking underage, we ended up in an argument of whether lightning McQueen's eyes were blue or green. Somehow throughout the whole thing both of us never thought to straight up google a picture.

- 23071115

But ... Ice Floats

Waiter/Host here.

Woman wanted ice on the bottom of her drink.

Now read that sentence again and try to imagine arguing with that particular brand of stupid.

- FarWoods

Time Zones Exist

Coworker claimed that it was the same time of day and the same season on the whole globe. Had to get 4 coworkers to confirm to him that time zones do in fact exist.

- JustARegularToaster

Colorblind

My brother is colorblind. And he CONSTANTLY tries to correct me on what color things are.

"Hey could you hand me that red _____?"

"that's orange"

"no, it's red"

"orange"

"YOU CANT EVEN KNOW"

It is the base of our most common and heated arguments.

- droneb2hive

Andre 2000?

Giphy

I'm late, but I saw this question and instantly remembered that I was booted from a Facebook group because I called someone out on a lie that was not only bull, but extremely pointless. She was friends with the moderator and they made the case that my argument over such a little lie was more of a problem than the lie itself (though they didn't refer to it as a lie.)


The woman said that she used to babysit for Andre 3000 and that his name was Andre 2000 - but he changed it after the year 2000 had passed. This was so easily disproven it was ridiculous. Their debut album came out in 1994 and he was already going by Andre 3000 at that time.

The argument wasn't a huge long drawn out thing, but the fact that either of us were on Facebook at separate times meant that the responses were over a long period of time so this argument lasted a few days.

It was stupid.

- P1ST0L_Wh1PP3D

Stars Like Our Sun

I was arguing with my grandpa about stars he didn't believe that there are other stars like our sun. Basically he thought there is only the sun, the moon and the earth.

fox_boi2

Richard Nixon

I have a degree in history. I mostly focused on nationalism. Wrote a 50 page paper on it and Richard Nixon with around 50 100 sources. Looked at micro film for hours on end. Part of the paper focused on how Nixon being chair of the house committee of Unamerican Activities was used as a powerful weapon to use against political enemies. It also inspired Joe McCarthy. Have had people tell me I was wrong and Nixon was never elected to a position besides the president and Joe McCarthy came before Nixon. I stopped trying to talk history to people.


I also know quite a bit about the history of the Balkans its amazing how many Serbs refuse to believe Tito did anything wrong.

Wrote 100 page paper on nationalism in Israel. Its frustrating to talk about because for some reason a lot of people think Palestinian firing rockets randomly into Israel is ok but if Israel retaliates the people get up in arms over a targeted air strike that kills 3 people.

grumblecakes1

Balloon to Heaven

My cousin and I argued over a balloon going to Heaven. We were at his big sisters prom send off and he let a balloon go and it went high into the sky. He then said this balloon will go up past space and go to Heaven and reach grandma (God rest her soul). And I was like no it's not and it's probably not even gonna reach space.

And he got really mad and defensive and started telling me to google it and do my research and I'm like I don't have to google it you idiot. He was mad at me for a good week.

Dskee02

Binder Clips

I got into an argument with a co-worker over how we were attaching two pages of a letter together: small binder clips or paper clips.

He felt that paper clips would leave a "dent" in the paper when removed, but binder clips won't. He refused to staple them together. I felt that binder clips would also leave a "dent", so we might as well just use the paper clips.

It ended with him saying: "Do what you want [me], I don't care!" and storming off.

justantherredditgirl

Jewish

Once got accused of faking being Jewish. Why? I have no clue. We argued over the course of a month, any time I'd bring it up and she heard about it, she'd begin going after me for "faking it".

My mother's side is ethnically Jewish. Grandparents were practicing.

Aslkurloz

Nutella

Giphy

3 friends and I once got into an argument about how to pronounce Nutella. It lasted for about 3-4 months. It was hilarious how serious we took it, it'd get heated but never for real serious.

I think someone even called the company that made it to check, or that may have been for the Cheetos company. We were really bored in high school.

vault_tec_redditor

Lingerie Boxes

Late to the party, but there it is.

I'm a manager at a small store. We're only 4 working there, so my team and I grew very close and we joke around a lot. Once during a slow shift, my employee and I had an argument because we were looking at the lingerie boxes, and I thought that two specific boxes had the same woman on it, but she was 100% positive they weren't the same person.

Looking back, I don't know why it was such a big deal to us at the time, but we even called another employee who lives across the street to come and tell us what the heck was up with that. Turns out I was right, and she was pretty salty about it. It was a great night.

Meh75

Wicked Witch of the West

I almost got into an argument with an old girlfriend over Glinda the good witch from Oz. She insisted that Glinda was manipulating Dorothy to assassinate the Wicked Witch of the West and convince the Wizard to leave to create a political void she could fill.

I conceded the issue when I heard the whole premise because I thought it was too damn stupid to get worked up over.

weirdatwork2017

Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Just the other day I legit got in an argument with my co-workers on why I don't like my butt being grabbed by anyone (I'm a guy). Seriously.

They went on about "I don't mind it. Mike and I do it all the time and we don't care." Yeah, that's nice dude, but I'm not you, and there's something called "Keep your hands to yourself" (which was taught to a good portion of us growing up). Just like how Karen wouldn't like it if I touched her boobs or her grabbing your crotch or frankly ANY area you wouldn't like being grabbed, keep away. In general, you should not be touching me in any areas after I've told you not to several times before.

So unless you're sleeping me or dating me, keep your damn hands off my toosh.

Frisby2007

Telekinesis

My best friend and I argued over whether or not telekinesis was possible. Her argument was that humans don't yet know what the human brain at 100% usage was capable of, and that telekinesis was inside the possibilities.

I said the brain does use 100%, just at different times.

We didn't speak to each other for four days.

dude_bizarro

Ghosts

How dolphins reproduced and whether or not ghost existed (back to back with the same person). It took me a few solid minutes of explaining to her that dolphins have reproductive organs and that they did not just pop into existence (the argument began with her saying she wanted to work with sea creatures).


How it shifted to the existence of ghosts is a solid and reasonable question to ask (I don't remember why). I had to then proceed to tell her that ghost hunting TV shows do not constitute as undeniable evidence.

Personally, I hope she was messing with me cause I lost a little faith in humanity that day. This was in high school SO... hopefully she was kidding.

thebeststory

Dogs and Chocolate

Giphy

I told this stupid woman that chocolate is toxic to dogs. She went on to tell me how a little bit will just make them hyper and then they will calm down. I told her to google it. Her and her bf shut right up. Now they have a kid. Good luck, Jeremy and Andrea. morons.

I should also add that this argument started because Jeremy was giving his tiny dog chocolate and I told him it was toxic.

KlutzyHedgehog

Is water wet?

My roommate and I have a recurring argument over whether or not water is wet l, and whether or not a person is considered wet underwater.

For the record, it is no to both questions.

SFCopperhead

Mission Trip

A kid a church telling me about the mission trip I went on. Not only was I not on that trip, but I had never been on any mission trip. We were good friends, so it's not like he would've mistaken someone else for me.

He insisted I was there as if an entire week long trip would just fall out of my memory. He even had stories of things we'd done together. I'm not sure if he thought I was lying, joking, stupid, or crazy, but I was pretty sure he was some combination thereof.

SirRogers

Dragon Tales

One time I got into a shouting match with my mom and little brother in the car. The issue? The names of the two-headed dragon from the PBS kids afternoon show Dragon Tales. I swore it was Zack and Macie.

It was actually Zak and Wheezie. I don't even remember why we were yelling about it.

MistalQueensglaive

Green Or Yellow?

When I was about 15 or so my mother and I spent about 20-30 minutes arguing about the color of a shirt. We agreed it was blue/green, but to me it was just a shade more blue, while to her it was just a bit more green.

Turns out, your eyeballs yellow as you age and hers were 24 years yellower than mine, so I think that skewed her color vision.

BugsRatty

Stars In Their Multitude

Giphy

I once got in an argument over whether or not a line from the song "Stars" in Les Mis says "...but mine is the way of the lord" or "mine is the way of the law".

I didn't even really care what he thought but he was so adamant and cocky that it got me heated. By the end of it we were shouting at each other and I had to apologize, which I think is what he wanted the whole time.

theedjman

Colorblind

My brother is colorblind. And he CONSTANTLY tries to correct me on what color things are.

"Hey could you hand me that red _____?" "that's orange" "no, it's red" "orange" "YOU CANT EVEN KNOW".

It is the base of our most common and heated arguments.

droneb2hive

Hot Water

About five years ago, my girlfriend (now wife) once had a very intense argument about whether or not hot water cleaned things better than cold water.

She genuinely believed that water temperature didn't matter. This is someone who has not one, but two masters degrees.

We argued for something like 2 hours, and we seriously almost broke up over the whole thing.

moniker5000

Biology Class

I had an argument with a girl IN THE MIDDLE OF A BIOLOGY CLASS in high school about how humans are not mammals. She thought a human was a human and we are not mammals because "mammals are animals and humans are not animals"

I tried explaining to her the difference between reptiles and mammals and how humans fall under the mammal category to try and educate her... but she just wouldn't listen.

I still have no idea why the BIOLOGY teacher did not get involved...

10d4plus8

Solid Or Liquid?

Some classmates and I got into a heated debate as to whether or not the human body could count as a soup, salad, or sandwich. The teacher got mad at us, but hey! All we were doing was watching a movie.

For the record, my logic lays with soup- Liquid contained within a solid, at a hot temperature.

ScreamingPotoo