'I Ain't Dead Yet!' And 23 Other Funny Things Old People Say.

People on Reddit were asked: "What is the funniest thing you've heard an older person say?" These are some of the best answers.


1. Old people say the darnedest things

My grandfather used to hide behind the BBQ on his patio and shoot squirrels with a super-soaker when they would try to loot the bird feeder. He would yell "Not today tree donkeys" then come back in the kitchen chuckling to himself. I miss that goofy man.



2. He's got a point there

My grandfather claimed that the reason we could never find bigfoot is because bigfoot had telepathy and always new we were looking for him. Also he said crickets had telepathy.



3. The judgment never stops

I'm an EMT. We were taking a 90-something year old man to the ER, and as I was putting the cuff on his arm to get a blood pressure, he sees my tattoo on the inside of my forearm and asks "Is that a tattoo?" I say "Yes it is, sir." He looks me in the eye and says "Well then, that makes you a [jerk]" and didn't say another word to me. I wasn't even mad, it was too funny.



4. Kids these days and all their technology

I was texting on my iphone and my grandpa asked me if I was myspacing on my blueberry.



5. Only truth is spoken here

Working at a hospital, I ran across an elderly man who was a bit demented in the lobby. He came up to me, put both his hands on my shoulders, stared into my eyes, and said with the utmost seriousness, "Everything has a reason. Even jelly beans." He was promptly taken back to his seat by his caretakers. I'm pretty sure that man knows all the mysteries to the universe.



6. This is classic old man behaviour straight out of a cartoon

"I ain't dead yet, nazi!" - My Grandfather.

To a realtor at his front door. Completely naked. In the middle of winter.



7. So NOW the truth comes out

Whilst on a huge cocktail of medication in hospital, my grandma told us that the hospital was a set, and everybody there (doctors, nurses, cleaners, visitors, and even us) were actors. She also got a huge crush on a male nurse because he had dreadlocks, and kept saying "Ooh, I do like his hair."



8. Way too much information Grandma!

While waiting with an elderly patient (82) who I had just transported to the ED, another ambulance crew brought in a young woman with a cell phone stuck in her vagina. My patient said "Can you believe technology? In my day, that never would have happened. probably because the phone was too big. Of course, we did use vegetables."

I had no idea how to respond to that. It was quite awkward.



9. Ah yes, the music of Satan on the radio

My dad calls dubstep "The Devil's Dialup Tone" or just "The Garbage Disposal." He's had a couple more, but he uses those a lot.



10. How do you expect me to keep track of all this new hip lingo!

About a year ago, my brother and I are playing some N64 and my 87 year old Grandmother walks in and says "Is that the wifi?"



11. The sass is strong with this one

I was with my grandma, who was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's, at her nursing home during a Easter party a couple weeks ago. One nurse was dressed as the Easter bunny and began talking to my grandma, trying to get her engaged in the party. I watched her slowly emerge from her mental haze, look the lady up and down and say, "Did no one tell you that's it's not Halloween?"



12. Fast and Furious: Wrinkly Edition

I take my grandma out to run her errands and get her out of the house for a while. One day we were in a rush to get somewhere, we came to an intersection and the light turned red right before we got there. She looks at me and says "run it, just go." Being the good grandson I am, I do so. As we pass, she waves to the oncoming cars and says "toodle-loo!"



13. Ooooooooooooooooooo

Working with a 67 year-old woman, very Christian. She got to work when me and the only other guy there were listening to Rammstein. She said, "Why you listen to this? It is bad music. It sound like ghosts."



14. Fending off admirers since the 1930s

We were visiting an old lady that my mom knew, in a nursing home. She shared her room with someone else, a frail lady of around 80 who I'd never actually seen out of that bed.

One day while we're visiting I'm bored and keep glancing over at the roommate who (like always) appeared to be sleeping. Suddenly her head tilts towards me and I hear her say, in a raspy voice...

"Make those doe eyes all you want, I'm not gonna [screw] you."



15. This Grandma runs a tight ship

Ah, my grandmother. While we were on our way to getting her hair done, she was fuming in the passenger seat. When I asked her what was wrong, she said "I'm sick and tired of people falling asleep in the chairs in the lobby." (She lived in a nicer assisted living home.) So I pried some more and she kept going with, "They fall asleep with their mouths hanging open and drool coming out and they look so ridiculous. Why can't they walk down the hall to their room? I walked up to one of them before leaving and yelled 'WAKE UP' at him." I miss my Grams.


16. The teenager soul lives on in this one

My grandfather (one of the funniest men I've ever known) was fairly crotchety. My grandmother didn't like it when he said he was "pissed off," so he started saying "I'm really disgruntled off" in everyday conversation.



17. Aww, this is too cute!

I worked in a grocery store. An old lady came up to me and asked me where the Diet Coke was. As I walked her to it she told me her grandson was making her start to drink Diet Coke versus the regular kind because of how bad the sugar was for her teeth. She was sweet and funny about it, putting me at my ease.

She went on to say that her doctor had made her quit drinking alcohol and smoking cigarattes. To that I responded with the first bit of a rhyme my father taught me. The whole rhyme is "I don't drink and I don't chew and I don't kiss the girls that do." I said to her: "You don't drink and you don't chew ..." She must have misheard me because, she replied, "That's right! I don't screw anymore either! I'm getting too old for everything."



18. Proof! It's not just millennials!

Maybe not the funniest thing he's said, but my 93 year old grandfather when he had his picture taken: "I wish I had a camera. I'd take a picture of myself every day because I'm so damn handsome."



19. There's just no filter on this one

An old woman that comes to my family's restaurant. A group of (busty) waitresses and I were in the back talking about how it's hard to find shirts that fit because of breast size, and she walks up and says loudly,"YOU GIRLS NEED TO BE MILKED. You could save it and sell it online! I learned that on the T.V.!" None of us are pregnant, or look pregnant.



20. A+ for effort!

My grandfather is notorious for his jumbling of words. The old man is hilarious, and has always had this characteristic.

We go down to visit them every year, and last year the local library had been renovated. He went with us to give us a tour, and when we got the room with computers, he presented it to us excitedly: "They've got High-Wire in here! Fancy, right?" He meant Wi-Fi.

He also calls Snickerdoodle cookies Eggnoodles, and used to mix up my uncle's dog, Kelsey, with me, Chelsea. As in, "Chelsea, get off the damn couch or I'll kick your butt!" I was a little surprised.



21. Wait, is grandma racist?

My aunt I were once talking about dating Black guys, and my darling 90 year old grandmother, who is hard of hearing, interrupted and said, "I've had a Black guy before!" She continues to tell us this story about how she was down at this swimming hole, with a "[person of colour]" and how they were wearing their swimmers and he started spinning and ended up hitting her in the face and THAT'S how she got a BLACK EYE. I have never laughed so hard in my life.



22. This phrase has definitely been updated for a younger crowd

When my Nana was talking about someone who got on her nerves she said "They just make my butt hole wanna suck a sour lemon!"



23. She speaks the truth!

There was a customer at the Starbucks I worked at, who was 60+, really nice, but liked to talk a lot.

One say she flat out said "Old folks like me just say whatever they want, we're old and just don't give a [crap]." I commenced to laugh for 5 minutes in the drive through.



24. This is a quintessential old people story

My grandparents told me this story one time. It was their "coming of age" when they realized they're two old people now. Grandpa is trying to get past my grandmother who is loading pre made pies into the freezer. Grandpa says, "Can I get by?"

Grandma grabs her pies and says, "What kind?"

Grandpa checks his watch and says, "Quarter after three".

Both said they didn't even realize it until ten minutes later, when my grandpa called my grandma old.




"It wasn't me!"

There's not much you can do when the righteous fist of the law comes down on you. Call it a mix-up, or call it a mistake, if someone's pegged you at the scene of a crime there's not much you can do but trust the justice system to prove you innocent. However, that's a gamble, and just because you've been given a "not guilty" doesn't mean the effects won't follow you for the rest of your life.

Reddit user, u/danbrownskin, wanted to hear about the times when it wasn't you, seriously, it was someone else, when they asked:

Redditors who were once considered suspect of a crime they did not commit, what's it like being held under suspicion and how did it affect your life?

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