"I Was Milking My Cow." The Most Ridiculous Excuses People Have Used That Actually Worked.

We often think humans are guided by logic. Well, you might wanna rethink after reading this.

Note: Content has been rewritten/edited for clarity and humour.

I had a coworker who took time off because his father passed away. He had to go up to Maine to attend the funeral.

Six months later he asked for time off for his fathers burial.

I asked, I dont want to be rude, but didnt your father already die? You cant use that excuse twice.

My father passed away during winter when it is too cold to dig a hole in the ground. We had to keep his body in the morgue and wait for spring.

Then he told me that in some places they pre-dig holes and delayed burials only happened if they ran out of holes. Adding, "But sometimes you can't foresee these things. Right?"

Thomas A. Limoncelli


A couple years ago, the accounting firm where I work hired a girl and she ended up quitting only a couple months later. 

She told us that she had to quit because God had called her to work for her church.

Later LinkedIn informed us that she in fact had gone to work for another firm.

AJ Spring


I once called in sick with Irish potato famine.

Im sure you are wondering how my boss took that.

Fortunately, he had read the same Mad Magazine article I had - that jokingly suggested calling in with that, specifically saying you have a lot of guts calling in sick with Irish potato famine. 

I was instantly relieved when he replied Ordover, you have a lot of guts calling in sick with that!

John Ordover


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I met this women on my trip to California.

She said her doctor told her she needed more Vitamin D, so she had to take days off every now and then to go to the beach.


Anonymous


While working in an account firm, we had a very senior partner visiting us from other city for a day. Our team was relatively new and being in a small city the staff strength was too small. We were only 4 members at that time. Entire team was requested to be in office at a particular time for our meeting with the partner.

One team member did not reach on time. We waited patiently for half hour and then the partner lost his patience. We started calling the person. He disconnected all his calls and reached office 2 hours after the scheduled time.

On asking for his reason, he said his android system was getting upgraded so he could neither pick calls nor disconnect from his wi-fi network at home.

Abhishek Shah


I was living with a man who I now think had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD. (He was never diagnosed though.) 

Bit by bit I found out he was telling a huge amount of lies and I confronted him about that.

95 percent of what I say, is true, he said in his defence.

How do you respond to that!

Sirpa Kulonen


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It had been a year since I met her. A friendship blossoming into love for me. Being a typical teenager I was afraid losing her and her friendship if she didn't feel the same. This fear held me back every time I went to propose her.

Every time I went to her, my fears stopped me from doing any of the filmy proposals the way they are expected to be done.

But for how long could I hold it within me. My heart stopped listening to my mind and forced my mouth to spurt out the words out of context. Little did it notice the set up we were in.

I was accompanying her from tuition to home in an auto rickshaw. She was talking about her class that day and I was just listening to her, watching her beautiful face glow when all of a sudden I said "I love you".

She stopped talking. Stared at me for few seconds and said "Who the hell proposes in an Auto rickshaw?".

I knew I had fucked it up and had to come up with.. 

"ah.. I know it's weird that I am doing it in an auto rickshaw but I wanted to make sure that you wouldn't run away or react in a way thatll attract public attention... And you know, if things dont go well, I can leave casually as soon as the rickshaw stops" 

We both started laughing.

She didn't say no.

Irfan Ali


I pulled over a car that plowed through a STOP sign and was 12 miles over the residential speed limit of 25 mph. Agitated, I demanded they show me their ID, insurance and registration. I asked the guy who was driving irresponsibly, Sir, why did you not stop at the STOP sign and do you realize you were speeding?

With a wry smile he told me, You see that party down the block in that park? They have some really, really bad tacos there and I had too many of them. now I really, really have to go to # 2. I am not kidding, you can follow me if you wish to, I am heading to the closest drug store.

I checked his record, it was clean. Neither had any outstanding tickets nor any previous warnings. I returned to his vehicle and started telling him to be careful and follow the signs and speed limits properly, and yes, with a smile told him use the restroom if he has access to it, I might have cracked a joke on tacos and diarrhea. He heard most of it quietly, without making eye contact and then could not take anymore of it, especially my jokes and yelled out loud: Officer, for gods sake, I really need to go, I am sorry! visibly incensed. Seeing this, I knew he was probably not lying. Oh and I think he screamed Idiot as he pulled out his car (No offence taken, natures call, I get it).

I would never know if this was all an excuse, it was the first time somebody said they were speeding to take a dump.

David Fantuzzo


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On a training course about 10 years ago one of the attendees rocked in about 15 minutes late for the 8am start.

Apologies for being late, I was milking my cow

I even blurted out thats the most original excuse Ive ever heard

Good times.

Paul Callaghan


I was 16, and Id just set up a date with a girl Id had a huge crush on for several years. I was ecstatic. Finally, I would get to experience this weird and wonderful world known as dating!

The day before our date I sat down with my sister to grill her about etiquette and expectations. Would this girl be expecting a kiss? Should I hold the door open? How do I know if she gets uncomfortable? I spent hours the day before the date agonizing over every detail. I would not mess this up. This was my shot, my moment, my opportunity to transcend my antisocial reputation…

Then, I get this text: Sorry, I can't go out tomorrow. A guy crashed his car through our fence and were trying to get it fixed. I'm the only one who speaks Spanish so they need me here.

Only years later did I question why the "Spanish" contractors were doing work at 8PM on a Saturday in October…

Nicholas Anthony


Our employe once said he was emotionally upset after watching The Hunger Games so couldnt work that day.

Anonymous


As a military officer, I had one of my best enlisted test positive for drugs. What was weird was the reported level in his urine. It was barely over the minimum detectable level, and usually the reported level is hundreds of times the minimum, if not more. So, I'm told to investigate the case. I say, David, you're one of my best sailors, why are you screwing up your life?

I really don't want to talk about it

I have to report something to the Captain. Now I hope we can convince him to not throw the book at you

Well, my girlfriend does it. She sprinkles some on her (genitals) when I (perform oral sex) on her

"Dammit David."

Steven Keiser


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In high school I was a crew chief at a fast food chain. While I didn't actually hire or fire anyone, everyone mostly answered to me. There was this one girl that was sort of fussy. 

One day she just didn't show up. I saw her at school the next day and she told me to take her off the schedule permanently. When I asked why she wasn't coming back she said the heat from the oil in the fry machine had melted the mascara on her eyelashes and she didn't like the feeling.

Donna Castillo


The sales manager at a company I worked for years ago was a huge fan of comic books and super hero movies. He was also very strict about showing up on time to the Friday morning sales meetings that started at 8:30. Sharp.

This one Friday morning the top sales representative shows up to the meeting full 15 minutes late. The sales manager didnt cut him a break … trouble waking up this morning? he said sarcastically.

No, he said … I got up extra early today, but the highway was jammed with broken-down heroes on a last chance power drive.

Everyone in the room lost it and couldnt stop laughing. The boss smiled, and said, Sit down, I know you can do better.

Chugga


It was me giving an excuse to a professor in UK for being late, but he was the kind who always asked you to get lost unless you gave a very unique/innovative excuse as he taught innovation management during my MBA. I was late 4 times, and this was one excuse that got me in. I had to stand in a hall of 120 people and say it.

I was cycling from home, there was an automobile showroom on the way and they had just placed their Newly launched hatchback out there for display. I stopped the cycle outside the showroom glass window to ogle at it and suddenly people with guitar appeared and started playing, fairies started dancing around the car, music started playing from the showroom speakers. I did not realize where time passed. I was smitten by the event.. As soon as I got to my senses, I rushed to the class and here I am.

Everyone clapped including the professor and I could attend the class that day.

Rohan Lakhlani


We had this lady who worked at the reception. This one time she didn't show up on an important day. She neither leave a notice nor pick her cell phone when we called after waiting for almost an hour. We had to continue without her.

She walks in next morning and says she had won the lottery and lost her ticket. 

No one could say a thing. It was hilarious.

Anonymous


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In the British navy when someone commits a misdemeanour and can then come up with an excuse that the captain (who is the judge and juror) has not heard before, the case is, in most cases, dismissed.

The boat is anchored of Aden (now Yemen) and all the crew except the duty watches are given shore leave but with the dire warning that any late comers will be in front of the captain to receive punishment. One sailor is late and as he marches in the captain asks do you have an excuse for being late? Yes sir I thought I'll be late so I asked the man with the donkey and cart to give me a lift me to the port, halfway here the donkey dropped dead so we both had to pull the cart here instead. 

Case dismissed.

Alan Talbot


Once we had an intern who said I forgot its Monday.

Anonymous


This was during a time that I was hiring and managing telemarketers. It was a tough job: repetitive and involved hearing a lot of negative comments from prospects. Out of any group I trained, about 20% would not make past one week.

I was surprised when a young man came to me around lunch on his first day to tell me he needed to go home right away. When I asked him for reason, he told me that he had pooped his pants, and that he just needed enough time to go home and change. He would be back within an hour. 

Needless to say, he did not return.

Stephanie Hy


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