People Reveal Why They Cheated On Their Significant Other.
Regret is a painful emotion to live with. The following AskReddit users open up about a very controversial topic- cheating. They say there are always two sides to every story and the truth lies somewhere in the middle. You be the judge.
Source lists available at the end.
I've been a cheater in most of the relationships that I've had... and as a result, a self-hater for most relationships. I've been through therapy for about eight years for other reasons, and what I've come to learn is that I didn't feel I deserved love, affection, or appreciation. This stems from a whole host of other things from my childhood (sexual abuse, lack of fatherly relationship, latchkey kid, etc).
I treated relationships as though they were temporary, even though they lasted for years. I'm a good looking guy, so lots of women offer up temptation that I found difficult to reject. And each time, I hated myself for my indiscretions. I also picked relationships that were bad for me (cheater girlfriends, terrible communicators, insecure women, etc).
Then, I met the girl of my dreams. I was so into her from day one that I immediately shut down all of my other options. I told other women I was dating that I was happy and done dating around. I shut down a non-committed, long-distance relationship as well. I was really, really in love. Then, I found out she was cheating on me. I can't describe the heartbreak and betrayal I felt. This sent me into a downward spiral of emotional hell. Through therapy, I was able to get back on track, appreciate myself more, and find a girl who is absolutely perfect for me. I do still feel urges to cheat sometimes, but my unwillingness to hurt her saves me. Part of my self-hatred stems from not doing the right thing. Each time I do the right thing, I feel a sense of pride, and it makes me feel worthy of the love that I receive. A positive cycle.
I was involved with "Denise" for 9 years. She would pick fights seemingly anytime I was in a good mood and frequently ruined important things for me (like my graduation party from college) by getting angry (Sometimes because I was "ignoring her" and other times because I "wouldn't leave her alone") I loved her and tried to be everything for her even though we fought all of the time because that's what I thought relationships were all about... work, right?
But after we got married, she became genuinely abusive towards me. Some of my favorite Denise one-liners were, "You're worthless", "You're never there for me","If we were to have kids, you probably wouldn't even love them", and "I don't even want to have your kids." Our bedroom was dead. I asked her to go to counseling three different times during our relationship, but she refused to because "We didn't need it." Great...
It got to the point where I was afraid to interact with her in any way. It was literally work -> workout -> dinner -> bed. Eventually, I started to get really depressed and ended up talking to a friend of several years named "Jamie". She was nice to me, not judgmental and seemed to really care about me and how I felt. We started spending more time together, and it eventually started to grow into an emotional affair. Eventually, we fell for each other, then Denise and I separated and divorced (Ironically, after she asked me when we were going to start having kids).
Of course, Denise found out (they always do). Obviously, she was very hurt and angry, but she ended up asking me basically, "Why Jamie and not me?" to which I replied, "I can trust her with my emotions. She doesn't hurt me." We stayed up all night, talked a lot, hugged a lot, cried a lot, apologized to each other, and divorced uncontested. Denise and I are still friends, and Jamie and I are happily married.
I was on-again, off-again with a girl for two years. I loved her more than anyone I'd ever loved before, but she was afraid of love and her feelings for me so it was always mixed signals. One day, we finally talked about everything. I got my closure, and I was able to move on with my love life.
A couple months later, I started dating this AMAZING girl. She seemed perfect for me. Everything was great, she knew I was still friends with my ex, and she was able to accept that for the most part.
However, after a while, she wasn't so okay with it. So I began to hang out with my ex behind her back. We never did anything until one day she asked me something that led to talking about "us," and things escalated from there. I ended up kissing her, and she rejected me because I had a girlfriend. But I kept trying, and we made out a little. I didn't feel guilty afterward because I loved this girl, and I had only known my girlfriend for a few months, so my feelings for her weren't nearly as strong.
After I realized that my ex and I weren't going anywhere, and it was better that we didn't, I asked her not to ever let me kiss her again and to slap me if I tried.
After some time, I grew to care more about my girlfriend and felt really guilty. I imagined her finding out, and how much it would hurt her. I developed so many insecurities from cheating. I felt like since I could get away with it so could she. So every time she would talk about her ex, I'd cry. I know it was a bad thing to do, but I learned a lot from it.
I was in an abusive marriage. Every time that we fought and I wanted to end it, my ex would challenge me by saying that I would never find anyone else and had me believing that I was worthless. I proved him wrong too, and then we divorced very soon after. Little did I know, it was a trick to make sure he could put me through hell in court if I ever followed through on leaving him. I still got custody of my wonderful child, but not without a fight. I don't regret cheating on him, but I regret not leaving him earlier.
In my senior year of high school, I was on the wrestling team, and we often went to a nearby public high school for our practices (as our gyms were usually taken). I started talking to this relatively cute girl who went to the other high school, and we eventually hooked up. I told my girlfriend about it a few weeks later, and we broke up.
Cheating isn't something that you think about going into a relationship. Generally, when you first start a relationship, it's during the honeymoon phase and everything is wonderful. But as time passes, I, at least, start to see the flaws in the girls that I date. It grows to the point where I can't stand them anymore, and then that's when I start to notice other women.
Married for 14 years, and I have cheated 4 times. I have two kids and my wife isn't a bad person, but she is pretty much not interested in sex. A few months ago while on a business trip, I had a totally unanticipated romp with an acquaintance that I only see about once a year.
It was amazing and everything that is not what I get at home. The smile and feeling of being needed lasted well after the fling ended. My wife actually asked straight out if I had an affair, and I admitted it to her. Surprisingly, it had the effect of increasing her sex drive, but only for a week. Now, we are back to the same old place.
I am now at the point where I want to just discuss having an open relationship. I don't want to cheat on my wife, but going without sex just makes me want to nail every woman I meet. It's like money when you don't have any, it's all you think about.
All of the women knew that I was married and not interested in getting a divorce. I have thought about counseling, but I was not really sure if it would help. It wouldn't reduce my sex drive, and it probably isn't going to convince my wife to have more sex.
I don't know if respect is the right word, but it's the first one that comes to mind. I felt like I was better than my S/O. Like I deserved more. Granted, I was younger and had delusions of grandeur, etc. But for a while, it was a really big concern of mine. Will I ever be enough of a man to actually be happy with what I've got?
Still a little too early to tell, but I've been with the same wonderful lady for two and a half years and never once had an impulse to be unfaithful.
I cheated on the only person I have ever loved. Biggest mistake of my life. I was an 18-year-old female, and he was a 25-year-old male. I had just started college, and we had been dating for about a month. He treated me amazingly, everything was perfect. I was trying to make friends and do what I thought college kids were supposed to do. I had been hanging out with a guy I met in one of my classes and some of his friends. We would go out to parties together occasionally, and probably four times when we were walking home, this guy friend would try to make a move on me. I made it clear that I had a boyfriend and would always turn him down. One night, I went to a rave with some different friends and ended up doing drugs. I had done it before, but not nearly as much. I ended up running into this guy friend at the rave, and we danced together. My female friend and I got a ride home with this guy friend and his friends. When we got home, my female friend left with a different guy, and my guy friend walked me back to my dorm. When we got there, he made a move and I reciprocated. I was high and aroused and had this thought running through my mind that I just wouldn't tell my boyfriend. We had sex and he left. Probably a minute later, I realized how big I had just messed up. I was still strung out so I ran to the mountains near my school and laid on the cold ground for several hours hating myself. I told my boyfriend the next day. He tried to forgive me, but a while later our relationship went downhill because he couldn't trust me or really forgive me. It was all my fault. I learned my lesson, and I will never cheat again for as long as I live. And I doubt I will ever meet anyone who is as kind and loving as the boyfriend that I screwed over.
It just... happened. I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did.
We dated for three years in college, and I never strayed. I hardly even looked at another girl. We lived together for the last two years of college. And then we both graduated and moved home. Suddenly we were a long distance relationship, instead of seeing her every night, I'd see her maybe once a month.
At first, it wasn't that bad. But then she stopped texting me back or returning my calls. We talked on the phone maybe once a week and that was it. The girl who had been my life, my companion was becoming a stranger. And when I did get to see her, I didn't even feel like a part of her life. She barely touched me, and I was lucky if we slept together once a month. When we did, it felt like going through the motions. She wasn't present. She didn't initiate. It was passionless, robotic.
She would text me to tell me she was going out with ex-boyfriends for drinks, but not to worry about it. They were just friends now. And she'd sleep over at her male friend's houses, but again, they were "just friends."
I don't know if she cheated on me. And I don't want to know.
But then the girl from the apartment next door started coming around. She laughed at my jokes. She told me how much she liked being around me. She would call to check up on me. She made me feel appreciated. One night we had drinks together and I slipped.
I never told my girlfriend, and we never broke up. A year later, we're still together in a passionless long distance relationship.
About a month or so ago, I went downtown to hang out with my friend. We ended up drinking (a lot), and I can remember almost nothing from the evening. Long story short, in the morning, I woke up naked in his bed. I don't know how it happened or why. I had zero intention of cheating. I love my boyfriend, and the thought of hooking up with someone other than him had never even crossed my mind. I immediately called my boyfriend and for some reason he forgave me, but I still feel sick and disgusted with myself (rightfully so). I wish I could borrow someone's time machine and prevent that from ever occurring. It's the worst thing I've ever done, and I would give anything to undo it.
I am a frequent cheater on my wife with escorts. I am sexually adventurous, and my wife isn't. I rationalize it as getting from them what my wife can't or isn't willing to do. I rationalize that I'm not loving any of these women. I'm just using them for a service. I realize that I'm a terrible person.
I've been dating a girl for three years. I cheat on her regularly and feel awful every time.
I cheat because it's easy for me to talk to girls. I live in Japan where beautiful girls flock to confident foreigners. I cheat because I LOVE the "puppy love" feeling you get when you go on dates with new people. I couldn't care less about the physicality of sex. For me, it's all about the emotional rush of making a connection with someone -holding hands, learning about them, and kissing them. One could probably argue that emotional cheating is the worst kind of cheating.
I haven't broken up with my girlfriend because I'm selfish. I know in my heart that I'd never find someone I love more than her. I want to believe that I can change myself, and be a better person and leave the past behind me.
I want to stop this behavior probably more than I've wanted anything in the world. I have a HORRIBLE perception of women. It's almost an obsession to see a girl at a bar and make it my night's goal to get her number. You might see this as me "victimizing myself," but I honestly believe I've developed an addiction to women. I've tried quitting over and over again. Even when I'm successful at stopping my own advances, I have trouble saying "No" when a girl expresses her interest in me.
It's messed up. I'm messed up, and I really want to stop and actually be a good boyfriend. I want to know how to stop pining for that "puppy love" jolt of emotion that never seems to last in long-term relationships.
I get happy ending massages. My wife has no sex drive whatsoever. My marriage feels so lonely. There's affection, but no spark in her eyes, no kissing, and no desire. She understands that I want there to be physical intimacy in the relationship, but she doesn't see the point. I've made it very clear (through counseling) how it makes me feel unloved.
I would have left except that she has shown herself to be unable to care for our children when I'm away. If I'm away on business for a week, the kids will miss one or two days of school and will be behind on their homework when I come back.
Paying women for an erotic experience helps fill the gap somewhat. There's no emotional attachment, but at least I get to be with another person and get a sense of what it would be like to have a normal, full relationship with my wife.
My wife has said before that she wouldn't mind if I slept with another woman, except that she would be uncomfortable that it would lead to me having feelings for the other woman. I wish she would see that this argument also means that an intimate relationship between her and me might deepen our feelings for each other.
So I pay women for erotic massage. I don't go as far as oral sex or full intercourse. There's no risk of a romance developing. It seems to be within the bounds of what my wife had suggested, but I'm not going to tell her about it.
I cheated on my boyfriend of five years (on again, off-again) with three different men (We broke up about 3 years ago. He is the only boyfriend I ever cheated on). I was stupid, young, and mean.
First time (six months into the relationship), an ex came back into my life and I was confused. I told him, and he forgave me. The second time (three years into the relationship), we were living on opposite sides of the country, and he was getting ready to move to be with me. I panicked and thought, He may be the last person I ever have sex with.
Third time was near the end of the relationship, we werent getting along and both knew it was over, we were just waiting to see who would end it. He still doesn't know about the second or third. These are not meant to be excuses. I was clearly in the wrong.
I'm currently cheating on my boyfriend of five years with four different men. Why? Because I can, and I don't have the kind of temperament that makes me feel bad about it unless I get caught.
My SO and I have a great relationship (I'm sure many of you will say "Yeah right, some great relationship that must be where you feel a need to cheat, but it is. We love each other, hang out constantly, and are very happy together), a great couple of dogs, have very satisfying sex very regularly, and are in good health and financial standing.
I've mentioned wanting to be polyamorous before, and he wasn't into it. Though, I'm totally cool with him dating other women. So now I'm effectively polyamorous, and he isn't. People will advise me to break up with him and date someone who is polyamorous. I'm not going to.
I met the love of my life a few years ago. When you know, you know. Well, it didn't work out. We loved each other more than life itself, but we had our own issues to work out. Well, every time I dated someone since, no matter how serious I would like it to be, I would cheat. I'm not proud of this, but the first time I found someone better looking and twice as intelligent. I didn't know what I wanted so I cheated until I figured that out. I cheated on the second guy because he traveled for work. I don't date anymore. I need to figure things out first. I just get bored.
We were both married at the time. I am older and thus had been married a few years more than him. We were coworkers, turned friends, turned lovers. My marriage was more about two people who married young, and over time we grew apart. I tried for years to fix my marriage, and my husband would have the attitude that it would just fix itself eventually. My coworker came from a marriage where she was a great girlfriend, but as soon as she said, "I do" her true colors came out, and it was all about her just finding a man that would take care of her. We both had dead bedrooms. We felt lonely, unwanted, and unappreciated. If you want real honesty, we resented our spouses for ignoring our pleas to make our marriages work. So when we had our affair, we did not feel guilty. Our affair only lasted for a few weeks. A mutual coworker who had a crush on me told on us. We got fired, and he moved away soon after. We would check in on each other every few months to see what the other person was up to. We never admitted to each other that we had actually fallen in love. Over time I divorced my husband, and he never knew. He divorced his wife, and I didn't know. Then he made contact with a mutual friend who informed him of my divorce and me of his. Long story short, we are now married and completely in love. Our former spouses are also remarried to people who seem to be better suited for them as well. It ended up being a win win situation for everyone.
"It wasn't me!"
There's not much you can do when the righteous fist of the law comes down on you. Call it a mix-up, or call it a mistake, if someone's pegged you at the scene of a crime there's not much you can do but trust the justice system to prove you innocent. However, that's a gamble, and just because you've been given a "not guilty" doesn't mean the effects won't follow you for the rest of your life.
Reddit user, u/danbrownskin, wanted to hear about the times when it wasn't you, seriously, it was someone else, when they asked: