People Reveal Why They Cut Their Parents Completely Out Of Their Lives
Not everyone has a great relationship with their parents, unfortunately.
Some just don't see eye to eye but still talk to each other, but some have had to cut all contact for their own safety and mental health.
There are lots of different reasons this may be, so Reddit user u/Leeptoe asked:
*Content Warning: descriptions of verbal/emotional abuse and manipulation, mention of assault and physical abuse*
I haven't spoken to my mother since October. Mother's Day was hard, but overall I've been SO much happier and at peace living my life without the fear of her judgments. No regrets.
I haven't cut them off yet and there's the possibility that I won't have to, but my parents are extremely religious and bigoted. I am LGBTQ+ and an atheist, and my father spends a lot of his time voicing his opinion on people like me, whether it be by actually speaking or watching/listening to similarly bigoted preachers out loud for the whole house to hear. Once I'm living on my own and am financially stable I will tell him (my mother already knows and doesn't approve).
Depending on how that goes it may not even be my decision to cut them out of my life, my dad may do that to me first. I won't and don't regret being myself though, and being genuine about who I am matters more to me than the opinions of bigots who want to silence me. Even if they're my blood relatives.
Mother is super religious, Bible is true, word for word. She was always a decent person, and "turned the other cheek" more than she should have growing up. She raised me right, far as I can tell. She has mentioned in the past that she felt she failed because I moved away from our faith (when I was 12).
Three years ago, my son was bitten in the face by a dog at Dayhome (dog was two years old and still a little hyper, but had always been friendly). Our son had been warned about animals countless times, was constantly pestering our three cats, and had been scratched and bitten many times nonetheless. He thinks he scared or hurt her when he fell down a couple of stairs on top of her. A little common sense, and him admitting he probably hurt her, we weren't blaming either. Told my mother we handled the situation.
She wasn't having any of that, screaming at us and telling us what horrible people we are, up to 20 minutes in when I asked WWJD? "Jesus would kill that f'ing dog!!" ..yes, I was looking for a reaction/and to end the verbal beating my wife and I were taking. We told her at this point, there would be no more communication until she apologized to both families.
When we didn't put the dog down (out of spite and vanity), she sent the dog to the pound, which was sent home after 5 days (instead of the 11 they are usually kept to ensure no rabies). She just wanted to be loved. Couldn't get any rise out of her.
Then, she tried to shut the dayhome down, which went nowhere. They had already separated the dog from the kids (not that it stopped my son from going after HER 5 more times through the gate).
We cleaned his cuts several times a day, made sure he hadn't lost feeling anywhere, etc. She did not chase, pursue, or rip/tear at him. There was no puss, redness (other than the regular healing process), or anything to suggest he needed medical attention.
Family members start asking us why we aren't taking him to the doctor for his "speech impediment, slobbering, and reconstructive surgery", of course all are complete nonsense.
Then, we started getting calls from Social Services and having to waste our time and money taking time off work to have meetings and write letters. My gf is almost fired because of it, and my 4 weeks of holidays were used up.
By this point, you could barely notice any of the scars (which are gone now), but she shows up at my girlfriends' work one day, throws a pile of papers at her, and says "You've been served, see you in court", then storms out. She lied several times in the court documents, including saying she had been helping "raise our son since day one", except she lived 2000km away for at least the first 18-24 months.
In front of the judge, I tell her again that she just needs to put some effort into apologizing. "WHAT?!?! You expect me to apologize to the owners of the dog that BRUTALLY ATTACKED my grandson?!?!?!" Of course, we decided to keep it going. She denied everything that she had done, and was claiming she would "NEVER blaspheme against God!" Is selective amnesia a thing? I'm thinking willful ignorance.
After another month or so of court dates and Judicial Resolution, she gets thrown out of the JRE (final step before court date is set), because she says "HE'S DEAD THEN. IF YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE HIM WITH THESE PARENTS, HE'S DEAD!!!"...really was the climax of half an hour of lies during that last meeting.
I told the Judge, "no one won here, but I don't know if she's trying to take him from us, thinks she's the parent, or gone completely nuts?...no idea." Up until then, he was on her side. I almost got thrown out for rolling my eyes at one point. After that tantrum though, he apologized to us and shook his head.
Anyways, it's been three years. She gave up her family because of pride, and thinking she was on a righteous path of some kind. Hoping her God will fix her bad decisions for her, rather than trying to be a decent person to those around her.
I'm sad that she is too proud to swallow her pride, but do not regret our decision in the slightest. None of us need that s**t.
My parents got a divorce when I was 14 and my mom got custody of me.
For the four years I lived with her between the divorce and moving out as soon as I could, she manipulated me and constantly used me for her own gain. She would verbally abuse me constantly and berate me for transitioning to be more comfortable in my gender, sometimes in front of one of her boyfriends. She beat the crap out of me several times when she got drunk. Several times she stole money from me for alcohol or gas to go on trips. She would pull the "I'm your mother! How dare you question me!" card any time I yelled back or went to someone elses house to get away from her.
I finally left when I turned 18 and haven't looked back at all. No regrets.
When my mother said "I gave birth to you, I own you. Don't think that I don't."
The next day I explained to her that no, that wasn't ok, and gave her the chance to apologize (she was drunk at the time she said that originally). Zero remorse or regret or concern for my feelings about that. I was 25 at the time.
I organized my things and f**king ghosted a few days later. Moved from Missouri to New York. Never looked back, best decision I've ever made in my life. I have no patience for that sort of crap.
Sort of in the process of it. Wish i wasn't TBH.
Started seeking out help for depression/anxiety after living with it for most of my life. Always come to the conclusion that my parents' were just bad at raising kids and my family is totally oblivious to it. I had to figure out what to do with myself since always. They never once guided me in any way; no value in education, no manners, compulsive liars, narcissism...i'd be digging through their closets showing them all the bones so-to-speak, and they'd just be like "Oh that? It was just 1 time, it's nothing"..."Yea, every bone in this pile of lies is just 1 thing that makes a big fkn pile!
They just want to hear good things about themselves. The only "sorry" i'll accept from them is seeing them take action and change their ways now.
I have aunts/uncles/cousins who will indirectly confirm what i think, but they will never outright say it, and tell me "But they're family!" so since my immediate family doesn't want to confront the issue, i don't see them as a source of comfort or understanding.
I'm going to answer even though this won't be seen at all.
Yes I cut my parents out, and no I don't regret it. Mostly.
My stepmother is a malignant narcissist. She was in my life from age 5-22. All I can say is, I'm pretty messed up but I'm lucky I'm as sane as I am. Some highlights:
Age 5, she starts telling me she can have my mom arrested anytime she wants because my mom is such an evil person who does illegal things. (Lie)
Age 5, she tells me all the problems in her relationship with my dad are my fault and if I don't show enough appreciation they're moving away and I'll never see him again.
Any time I disagree with her based on actual facts, she would sit me down and browbeat me for hours until I could no longer remember my point of view.
Forbid me from showing emotion. Or yell at me for not showing enough emotion. These were utterly unpredictable.
Steal my belongings and money, including a passport and several hundred dollars
Standard manipulation, gaslighting, unwarranted criticism about my weight, my intelligence, my looks and my skills.
So at the end, she offers to take me on a cruise as a graduation present. And the minute I get to her house for the cruise she is out for blood, looking for any little thing I've done wrong. Insulting my boyfriend at the time too. So I decided I'm not getting on a boat with this woman and I make plans to go home.
She finds out she can't get a refund and she flips her sh*i. Fakes a suicide attempt. Blames me for everything.
I go home anyway, she calls me every day, saying I better whore myself out to pay her back for the trip.
I stopped answering. My dad then called screaming that I was a coward. I stopped answering him too.
I tried to have a relationship with him but she would take over any email or text conversation to tell me they were a package deal. So, that's fine. If that's what he wants, if his wife is more important than his daughter, that's what he gets.
And you know what, eventually, he called me up begging to come to my wedding. We rebuilt our relationship. He divorced my stepmother.
I will never feel safe until I know she is no longer on this earth, but I feel like I am the winner. I got out alive. That's all I could have done.
He raised me well however and I am greatful for it however, there was a web of lies that shattered my view of him. He also became really angry and bitter as he got older to point where it wasn t fun to be with him. I miss my old dad when I was blind but I cant live with lies.
I just did this recently. I discovered my dad had been cheating on my mom with multiple women, some were friends with my mom. I had to break the news to her. When I confronted him he denied and denied and denied until I provided proof. Long story short, he's toxic and an undiagnosed sociopath. I wanted to make a conscious decision to cut out all toxicity in my life. And no I don't regret it.
I love my parents.
But when I turned 18 and started my life as an adult there was just never a reason to talk daily, weekly, etc.
I contact them on Mother's/Father's Day and their birthday's (and they on mine). And it's usually just a "hey, happy father's day. Welp. Take it easy."
Just never felt the need to really have conversations beyond that. It's weird.
I contact mine (at their prompting) every 3-4 days.
If it was up to me, I'd do it once a week. But they're too anxious for that, and no, not replying/calling back was NOT an acceptable response.
I visit in person once a month on average because we have literally nothing in common
It sucks sometimes.
It's often assumed that you should have something in common with your parents, when we rarely even have that much in common with our own siblings (but at least they're usually our age!).
I don't. I disagree with most of what they think, say and do. I wouldn't hang around other people who say the things they say(*), so why would I just because they're my parents?
Pretty much same relationship with them as yourself, including my brother.
Everyone has a cousin or similar that they are like that with, but people think it's somehow weird if it's your parents.
(*) Most of it is just puerile, cliche or facile. Think Brexit-voters, Jeremy-Kyle-watchers, and uneducated and biased opinions.
Oof, no, I don't regret it. It was all fairly objective for me, not an emotionally-based decision. It's just moral arithmetic that simply doesn't add up: they hurt me more than they help me. By a lot. I've never lingered on the positive aspects to the point that I couldn't recognize just how much the negative aspects strongly overrode the positive. In fact, I'd say the events within just about every positive memory of both of them were followed by something to cause a negative memory. And then there are the negative ones which stand on their own, and they greatly outnumber the positive ones.
I didn't have a particularly rough childhood compared to plenty of people. Working class, mom left for meth when I was 8, dad was a gaslighting narcissist who was way too possessive over me and almost apathetic towards my brother.
But even if they could've been so much worse (drugs aside, mom really did us a favor with her absence), all I needed to know was whether or not their presence in my life was conducive to my wellbeing as an adult. It wasn't/isn't. It's that simple.
So no, zero regrets. On very rare occasions, I'll miss my dad. He's the reason I'm so wordy. We're both that way, could talk for hours — though that often led to arguments ending with his nose smushed against mine while he screamed at me at length, something he's done since I was about 6 for things as trivial as not wearing matching socks. Still, positive things are hard to forget too. Never enough to keep me around. Not even close.
I severely reduced contact with my mom maybe 14-15 years ago, then stopped attempting any contact entirely sometime around ten years ago.
Suffice to say she wasn't really ever pleasant with me, I wasn't the daughter she wanted. She didn't like severely abuse me, but was always ready and willing to upside my head if I stayed out of line. Among other things she called me, the one that stuck the most was 'gay piece of sh!t'- I'm not even gay. My sister always got the benefit of the doubt (she's eightish years my junior, I bear no grudge against her) and she was always unnecessarily unfair toward me.
Back in '05 I was in the Navy and deployed, and she left my dad and sister (right as my sister was...coming to that particular time in a young woman's life, we'll say, which hasn't stopped bothering me). Somehow she got a hold of a re-issued bank card of mine and personal info and just blew through my money (while I was in a goddamn war zone no less) and absolutely destroyed my credit.
I shouldn't feel bad about it, but sometimes I do. She's getting older and she never really struck me as the sharpest crayon in the tool shed so now I'm worried that when the time comes she can't work anymore that it's going to wind up causing an issue between my sister and I, because I know I won't want to have anything to do with it.
I had to cut my mom out of my life recently. We had a close relationship when I was growing up, but then she turned toxic. She would message me on facebook or text me and if I didn't reply within five minutes, she would get so mad and berate me for ignoring her. She would constantly ask me for money, and tell me I'm ungrateful if I was unable to give it to her, and then if I asked her for money she would say no because then she'd be "enabling" me. She expected me to drop everything I was doing and drive out to Arizona and then drive her back to Florida, which I did not do. If I ever said no to her then I was an ungrateful child who never appreciated her.
The final straw was Christmas. She had messaged me on Facebook a few days before saying she wasn't going to talk to me anymore. Then she calls me on Christmas Day and I don't answer my phone because I'm spending time with my husband and I didn't see it go off. The voicemail she left stated basically how dare I not answer her call on Christmas, I should be ashamed for not talking to my mother on a holiday, I don't have to worry about her anymore because she won't be contacting me again. Haven't heard from her since and life is a lot less stressful.
My mom was extremely controlling and narcissistic. She cancelled my lease with my dorm so I would have to live with her in college, checked the miles on my car to make sure I was only going from home to school and back, put my own earned money in her bank account so she could trickle out just enough for filling my car with gas, and manipulated me into cutting off friends and other relationships. I had no privacy. I wasn't even allowed to close the door to my bedroom to change clothes.
She was so good at twisting my words and making herself the victim. I couldn't tell family because she would turn it around on me. I had to be verbally beaten up every day if I didn't tiptoe on eggshells around her.
She found out that I was assaulted my freshman year and punished me for not telling her by throwing me outside in a snowstorm. I sat in my pajamas crying to be let in for an hour only to be allowed back in and find all my sheets and blankets gone from my bed because I apparently didn't deserve them. None of this even scrapes the surface of what all she put me through.
I created a secret bank account, stored every cent I could. I lied about taking night classes, staying at school late, whatever excuses I could make to have a job in the evening. Managed to save enough for a plane ticket and my first month's rent at the apartment. I ran away with no warning and left nothing but a note.
Do I regret it? No. I needed to leave. Sometimes I feel very deeply saddened from missing her and my family. For every terrible memory, there's a good one that makes me wonder if I did right by leaving. I wish I could have talked to my mom for advice during my pregnancy. I wish my daughter could have a loving grandma. I know that I can't have those things though. I regret the lies I had to tell to escape. Most of all, I regret not leaving sooner. I'm pretty damaged from everything I went through as a kid and young adult.
My mom was a horrible person and would constantly try to manipulate me the whole time I was growing up. She basically made herself the most important person in my life especially during the formative years by telling me that I could never trust my friends or anyone and that she was the only person who tells me the truth or loves me.
I moved away from home for Uni and without having her trying to manipulate me 24/7 and seeing other people's relationship with their parents I realized the sh!t she pulled on me when I was younger was not normal. She would call me everyday when I was away at school and demand to know every single detail of my day and would get furious and upset if I ONLY talked to her for 30 mins and not 2 hours.
My mom would randomly show up at my apartment and demand that we spend time together. One time my dad called me and said your mom is on her way and wants to spend time with you. I told him no, I can't spend time with her it's finals week and she's going to be clingy af and I need to study. He promises that hell talk to her and make sure she doesn't pull any of that crap since she knows how important my grades are for me. I was running for Magna Cum Laude at this point in school.
My mom shows up at my apartment demanding I spend time with her and I remind her that dad told her that it was finals week and that I was busy. She gives this sad mopey face but is cool with just sitting on the couch and watching movies on her phone while I study. I ask her if she could please wear headphones since I'm studying and she makes this face again and she's obviously irritated that I asked her to wear earphones. It was 9pm at this point and I just gave up and wanted to go to sleep and she was so upset that I didn't spend any time with her. I told her I have to wake up early because I do a 2 hr review before my exam and she gets mad and starts yelling at me. Calls my dad and tells my dad to yell at me over the phone since I was being such an unloving daughter. Phone is on loud speaker now and I hear Dad say I told you not to go. And she yells and hangs up the phone.
Goes to the other corner of the room and starts calling her friends about how horrible of a daughter I am. It was late at this point and she had to stay over. Next morning, I was up early reviewing for my exam and she was making pouty faces at me and idk what she wanted. I take my exam and come back to my apartment and she's still there. She started yelling at me saying that she was mad since that morning but didn't wanna say anything because I was about to take my exam. Guess what her problem was? That I didn't make her breakfast before I left to go and take my exam.
Flash forward to a couple of years later, I was just engaged. My fiancee is from another country and doesn't really know anyone or have friends around. My dad really likes him and he always spent the weekends with my family. We'd have movie nights, game nights etc on Saturdays and we would have Sunday lunches at my grandmother's house. He's been doing this for about 3 years now and he's basically family. Everyone likes him because he makes an effort to talk to my grandma who speaks no English etc.
As I said, my mom is a manipulative woman who basically wanted to be the center of my world and the fact that I was newly engaged and super in love with my fiancee got on her nerves. She starts saying that since I was engaged and was going to be married soon, I should spend more time with the family. I said I'm working and I spend every Saturday and Sunday home with you guys. What more do you want? My mom then demands that my fiancee stop coming to our house and grandma's Sunday lunches. I said after 3 years you would say that? You know he doesn't have family here. You know he doesn't have so many friends here. (my fiancee is an introvert). My mom didn't reply to this so I thought the matter was settled. this was all done thru text, BTW.
That weekend, my mom gets home and she sees my fiancee having a drink with my dad at our home and me and my sister were on the couch watching a movie. (My fiancee and my dad really get along. She's basically the only person who doesn't like him.) My mom immediately calls me and asks if we could speak privately upstairs. I was like uhhh ok? As soon as we got upstairs, she closes the door and starts yelling saying that she told me that my fiancee wasn't welcome here now and that she would compromise by allowing him to attend Sunday lunches at my grandma as long as he wasn't in our house for Saturday movie/game nights. I start screaming are you insane? What are you doing? How can you say that? You've been mean to him since the beginning but I thought you'd be over it by now? I can't believe you think I would ban my fiancee from coming over to my childhood home.
My dad hears the yelling and comes up and asks what's going on. I explain the situation and he says I told you you can't do that and that she'd never agree to it. My mom starts wailing and crying saying that she just wanted family time. And I'm like he's my fiancee we're gonna get married and he's basically family already. She goes to my dad and starts crying and pointing to me and telling my dad to tell me that my fiancee was not allowed in our house anymore. My dad is a nice guy and was trying to calm everyone down but my mom was having none of it. She kept pressuring him to pressure me to get her way. (my mom knows I am closer to my dad and that I listen to him more). My dad who almost always gives in to my mom, put his foot down and said that what she was asking was unreasonable.
My fiancee was downstairs and heard every single world. My mom comes down and pretends like there's nothing wrong. Like she didn't just ask my dad to ban him from our house.
This was one of the turning points in my relationship with my mom. After a couple of months, I cut her off. I don't speak with her anymore but still speak to my dad weekly. She refuses to talk to me when I facetime with my dad thinking she is in the right. That's fine with me. Since I stopped speaking to my mom, there has been no drama in my life and I'm very happy where I am.
My father was an abusive and an alcoholic who stole money from me (before I was 18 and could have my own bank account). He was also responsible for me being brought in for questioning in regards to his illegal marijuana growing in our basement when I was 11. So cutting him out was an easy choice.
My mom was a little more difficult. She tried her best with us, but ultimately failed. My younger brother and I both urged her to divorce our father (not something you hear about children doing often), when he decided to uproot us from our home in Wisconsin and drag us to South Carolina. I was supposed to graduate that following year, which made it extremely painful for me. It was the only placed we'd lived for any reasonable amount of time.
Ultimately, she decided to stay with him until the kids graduated, which is a classic mistake a lot of unhappy parents make, from what I understand. That paired with her constant blaming us for all of the hardships we all had to go through was the last straw for me.
I've made peace with my mother, but I don't regret cutting her off for over a decade. She finally came forward and apologized, which is what brought about the truce. My father died in 2010, and I felt a genuine relief about that.
Before he died I was basically no contact with my dad, the only real exception being when my brother had an event he would invite our father. My brother had a good relationship with our dad so of course he would. The simplest way to explain why I stoped talking to my dad is to say that he kind of never grew into being a parent, he never took responsibility for his actions and occasionally would say thing that should not be said to your kids.
Nothing too terrible, but comments about how he didn't pay child support because he shouldn't have to support mums new partner (who did work and contribute to the household) about how when mum kicked him out he had nothing and still worshiped the ground she walked on (said this 10 years after they split) these are things you don't say to your kids, especially not your 12 year old. He barely exercised his visitation rights and on one occasion asked to borrow money so he could go away with his girlfriend, I was 15. My only regret about having so little contact with him is that I never got the chance to tell him what I thought of him, he knew but I never got to say it to his face.
My mother abandoned me a few years ago( I'm 18) and didn't give me a reason or any answers. Once I realised she wasn't coming back, I moved in with my nan and promptly blocked her number and all of her social media. We didn't have the best relationship, and my life's 10x what it used to be. I don't regret not trying to contact her or reach out in any way, she left, that was her decision. She's not my mother anymore, just a woman I'm supposed to know.
She's back in my hometown now, something about a court placing her with family on parole after she f*cked up wherever she's been. But I won't talk to her, not worth the effort I think.
I've regretted having to do it, but not regretted doing it. Dad was good with us sisters when we were younger than nine, but after that it he went downhill quite fast. He didn't like us growing into people and probably wanted us to worship him as almighty like small kids do. Us forming thoughts on our own was not in his plan. He would disagree with who our friends could be, what hobbies to do, and what games to play. When we got older and he split with mom, he would talk badly of her when we were with him, criticize our relationship with her, and later that of our friends and our love interests.
After a while the toxic piece of crap got a matching toxic woman, and a spoiled and rude girl on the deal. Our new younger step sister would get nice gifts, while we got crap. She could not do wrong even stealing and destroying our stuff wasn't bad!
After a while the relationship with him got so infected that I refused to be there, the last thing he did was trying to refuse me to go to my grandfathers funeral out of not liking me. I went to the funeral, didn't talk to him, and have not spoken to him since.
My life is much better now.
Recently i got Sober from opiates, as my father dabbles in selling them. I had to cut contact towards him as a relapse would probably occur. It wasn't an easy decision but it was the proper decision.
Damn. When I got clean, I only had to get away from the losers with whom I socialized. Getting through DTs would be so much worse if I had a parent who had ready access to the pills that would end the suffering (however temporary that "end" is)
That being said, I have both an aunt and uncle that I don't acknowledge as human beings, let alone family.
My aunt's last words (told to my mother after I sought treatment), "He'll NEVER stay clean..." So far (7 1/2 years) she's wrong.