Woman's Scared To Show Her Hyper Competitive Roommate Her Small Engagement Ring—And We've Got Feelings
My [26F] roommate [28F] won't leave me alone about my engagement ring.
I've been dating my BF for almost 4 years now, and we've recently gotten engaged. We will be moving in together once both our leases are up, so roughly 8 months from now.
We didn't spend much on my engagement ring. We didn't feel it was necessary, and we would rather spend that money on a down payment for a house or a nice vacation. It cost under $1k, and I absolutely love it. It doesn't have diamonds or anything fancy, it's quite basic/simple, but it fits my style quite well. I make significantly more than my BF currently, so we decided on a less expensive ring that he could afford more easily.
My roommate is spoiled and demanding. She would demand her BF's take her on expensive vacations, nice dinners, shopping trips to upscale stores, and always expects them to pay for her. She constantly demands attention, and yells at/hits her BF if she feels they aren't being devoted enough to her or doing what she wants.
She recently broke up with her long-term boyfriend (of 5 years, they almost were engaged) because she was upset that he didn't call her as soon as he got home from work everyday (she was angry that he took time for himself and had hobbies that didn't involve her), and then found a new boyfriend less than a month later which she then proceeded to rub in his face as a reminder to him that he "didn't do enough for their relationship" even though she did nothing and expected him to change everything about himself to fit her needs.
When I got engaged, I didn't tell her. I feel like she tries to find something to make fun of in everything. If I mention that BF cooked me dinner, she will mention how her ex would take her out to extremely upscale restaurants all the time, and how it's so sad that my BF won't do the same for me. If I mention we went on vacation for a few days, she'll mention how her ex took her to Europe for a week (after she demanded a grand gesture for him to "prove" his love). She constantly makes fun of the fact that my BF is poor (he's not, he just doesn't earn much right now but he's very financially responsible) and he clearly doesn't love me enough to do all the things her boyfriends do for her.
I've essentially stopped interacting with her unless I really need to. Thing is, I live with her. Eventually, my roommate will notice the ring or hear from somebody and start asking questions. When our mutual friend got engaged, she immediately demanded to see the ring and started asking if they're real diamonds, how much the ring cost, why they didn't buy a more expensive one, what their proposal was like, how much they'll spend on the wedding, when it is, etc.
Frankly, I'm not interested in telling her a single detail about anything. It's tacky and off-putting to be asking those questions to someone, in my opinion. I don't want her knowing I'm engaged or any details, I don't want her at the wedding, and I don't want her opinions on any of it.
If/when she brings it up, how do I gracefully deflect or make it clear that I'm not comfortable giving her any details?
TL;DR: spoiled hyper-competitive roommate is going to ask a bunch of intrusive questions and make weird comments once she finds out I'm engaged. How do gracefully tell her to f*ck off?
"It is exactly what I wanted. I hope when you get married you can be as lucky as I am and have a fiance who knows you well enough to get you exactly what you want."
She is less likely to be critical if she goes straight into talking about what she wants?
I really like this answer. It's not apologetic, it's very to-the-point, and I think it gets the message across very well.
Look at her like she has 4 heads and go "Huh? Are you asking how much my ring *costs*? That is totally *bizarre*. I'm not going to talk about that, it's wildly inappropriate."
I know people like this don't get embarrassed (because they honestly believe that everyone is just DYING to hear their opinion on everything) but it'll make you feel a bit better. Especially if there are other people around to hear.
Frankly I'm not really sure I'd bother with "graceful" considering how abusive this girl is.
I'd answer any and all nosy questions with "I dunno" or "We're not sharing that" or "I'm happy with it". Editorial comments get a "Duly noted" with an absolute deadpan expression. Don't tie yourself into knots trying to avoid her judgement. Her judgement is utterly meaningless. Treat it like fruit flies - obnoxious to have in the house, you'd rather not see them, but until you can starve them out it's best to just not think about them.
"It's tacky and off-putting to be asking those questions to someone, in my opinion."
You should tell her exactly that if she makes any comments. It IS tacky and rude and none of her business. Congrats on your engagement, your ring sounds lovely!
Am I the only one bothered that she used to hit her ex? She was abusive. I'm leaning more towards the Gray Rock technique than the confrontational one.
Give her short answers of a grunt up to three words. If she makes a snarky comment, agree with it. "Your partner must be a cheap asshole." "Mm," "Uh huh," or "I guess" wihtth a shrug of the shoulders. She starts running on about it: put on headphones.
If at any moment she gets in your face or threatens violence, call the police.
Hopefully I'm exaggerating, but it sounds like she does need her narcissistic supply from somewhere, and she might get jealous of you.
Her: \*says tacky and insensitive things about ring\*
You: "good thing it's not yours!" \*smiles and skips away happily in love and engaged <3 \*
Your roommate is very insecure. Brat is far from the word. Just dont engage. Make small talk . She ruined her own relationship by being self centered. If she gets mean etc., just walk away. Put head phones on. I wouldn't have her in your wedding either, just saying.
Congratulations though :)
When she asks if it's an engagement ring and you say yes, then she starts in on how inexpensive it must have been, you cut her off and say "This is the ring I chose because it's the style I wanted. The fact that you only see it in terms of dollar signs is exactly why I don't want to talk to you about it." and leave the room.
If she jumps right to complaining you didn't tell her you were engaged/wanting to discuss wedding plans, say "Every time I tell you something (boyfriend) and I have done you insult it, so I don't want to discuss my wedding details with you."
It sounds like she's jealous, so she uses bragging as a coping mechanism to make her feel better about the fact she's an unhappy person. That's really all she's got going for her.
Your roommate is a jerk, and she sounds like someone I would 100% burn bridges with if you’re moving out soon. The next time she tries to one-up you or criticize your relationship I would just say “That was INCREDIBLY rude” and walk away or quite literally tell her to f*ck off. She sounds like a miserable person and misery loves company.
Breaking up is hard to do.
And when you get the law involved, it's even worse. But sometimes people don't need the law's help to make things overcomplicated, they just have a grand ole time making that happen themselves.
People on the front lines of human cruelty include divorce lawyers. These are their stories.