IRL

Women (And Men) Reveal Their Plans For Snatching Up Newly-Single Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos

In case you're unfamiliar with him, Jeff Bezos is the owner of Amazon, and is currently the wealthiest person on the planet.


That wealth makes him a very desirable partner for many people. In light of the news of Bezos' pending divorce Reddit user wafflesngravy asked:

"Ladies, Jeff Bezos is on the market, what is your plan to reel in the richest man on the planet?"

User responses were nothing if not creative.

Wishing You Were Here

I'd make an Amazon Wishlist with one thing on it "Jeff Bezos."

-Wackydetective

Check out these other products you may also be interested in: Mark Zuckerberg 🦎

-kevma-coin

These recommendation algorithms really suck these days...

-Kaleido88

Well maybe you should've bought PRIME

kevma-coin

That Seems Like An Awfully Long Time

Wrap myself in cardboard and tape and come in a matter of hours.

-qb89dragon

Suspended by eighteen dji drones?

-Endurbro_mtb

According to dji their phantom 3 has a lift weight of 200 grams. If we take the average human body weight of 137 pounds or 62142.2 grams then that means you would require 311 dji drones to carry an average human. Not trying to sound like a smartass but I just thought about that reading your comment.

-SupahSulli

They Know Everything About You

He owns amazon, right? Yeah he knows too much. By the second order for facial hair trimmers my chances were shot.

-MathyMama

Yeah my top purchase categories from Amazon are power tools and sex toys. I don't think he's gonna come over.

-Iwanttoiwill

He might be into that kind of thing...

-kskinne

Don't Forget Mackenzie

Why is no one talking about his ex wife who is now the hottest bachelorette on the market?

-CDR40

The Estimate Is A Lie

Just order him, if you subscribe to Prime he'll be at your door the next day with no shipping cost

DsgtCleary

The next day?? Based on my Amazon shipping experience, you might consider a same-box add on of granola bars and bottled water for ol' Jeff's sake.

canoodlebug

That Could Do It

The way to Jeff Besos' heart is definitely through a new tax loophole

ukwonderboy

Recruit A Partner

I told my husband to go after the ex-wife and cut me in.

-portstreeter

You go after Bezos and he goes after ex wife.

b-utatwutcost

Sounds like the start of a rom com; like where there's a down-and-out couple struggling to pay the bills and can't manage to pay for the wedding that they want; so, they hatch a plot and wind up unexpectedly successful in winning over each of the billionaire divorcees. The plan was to at least live the lavish life for a while and maybe manage to get some cash before splitting up with the billionaire. But when it comes time to give up the lifestyle, one of the two is just having way too much fun with the lifestyle, while the other starts to feel lovelorn and not at all excited by their partner.

The unhappy former partner wants to go back to the relationship, but the other partner convinces them that the love is still there, but they need to keep their eye on the prize of getting the lifestyle they want. As time passes however, a few events cause the poor couple to start to really see the good in their rich partners and they even start to feel awful for trying to take advantage of these people. The poor couple manage to convince the billionaires that they should go on a once-in-a-lifetime adventure with their exes since it was an amicable breakup. But on this vacation, some hi-jinks ensue... involving yachts, private islands, safari adventures, and then finally a ride to the edge of space on Blue Origin (*wink wink*).

So, here we are, high above the earth at the edge of space, the passengers of the rocket are reflecting on the laughs, the fun, and the joy of the adventure montage that just finished, and then the billionaire guy stands up, gets on one knee and professes that he has found a new kind of love in his new partner and he will gladly throw everything away to spend his life in this new kind of happy relationship. But then, almost at the same time, the billionaire girl stands up and withdraws a ring from her pocket, showing that she also was planning to propose to her new partner.

The poor couples share a telling look - they've both also found a new type of love. It's not about the money, or the lifestyle, or vacations to the edge of space - it was always about the love that gives life true meaning. The poorer couple startle the billionaires when they walk over to each other, face them, and explain everything in a tear-jerking expose.

As the rocket returns to the earth, in the quiet of the capsule, the other passengers completely stunned and unsure how to react, the billionaire couple return to their usual selves. The woman breaks the silence first saying that it was really too soon anyway; the billionaire man agrees. Back on earth, the billionaires are glad that they had the chance to open their hearts up again and that they would continue to do so; not shackled by their wealth as they were when they were married.

The poor couple decide that they will just get married in a courtroom, but then the billionaires exclaim that they can't let them do that - they will help them pay for the wedding. Cue credits over wedding montage interspersed with bloopers.

Needs a catchy title... The Price of Love?

MrjK

What's Your Price?

Some friends of mine were discussing this, one girl said she wouldn't do it, she hates the sound of essentially being owned. I'm a straight guy, but a net worth of 137,000,000,000 is a thick number I can be gay for

-Lorde_Farquad

Well, after the divorce, it may be more like 70,000,000,000. Can you be gay for 70,000,000,000?

-BriarRose21

Hmm... that's a tough one

Lorde_Farquad

This One Has Things...Oddly Well Thought Out

Well i guess my plan would have to go something like this

  1. Divorce current hubby
  2. Kidnap Bezos
  3. Wait for stockholm syndrome to kick in
  4. Marry Bezos
  5. Have Bezos make will leaving everything to me
  6. Go hiking with new husband
  7. ???? Something involving a bear and a salmon in Bezos underwear????
  8. Cry at funeral
  9. Remarry 1st husband.

-Stabity_Deathbycandy

Very well thought out. Maybe a little bit too thought out lol. But I like your style!

wafflesngravy

Your honor I would like to submit that this woman killed her husband. My evidence? This Reddit comment from January 9, 2019 detailing her plan to kill her husband.

Postman5

Must Avoid Package Thieves

Place an order for one Jeff Bezos, using my Prime account and send him to a nearby locker to avoid package thieves. Also, I'm a married man, but for that amount of money I know my wife would play along.

TheCursedD20

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We always think we know what is right and what is wrong, what's the truth and what's a lie. The reality is that most of what we know is just an opinion or a partial truth that we've filled in with our own rational (or irrational) explanation. These opinions that we pass off as 'facts' are far from it and it takes a lot of courage to look at yourself and admit you were wrong or misinformed about something. Everyone likes to pretend they're on a different level, but the truth is you're not so different from the people you disagree with. Meditate on that.

Here are a some people admitting strong opinions they no longer have, and what it took to change those views. Redditor u/segafarm asks:

What is the strongest opinion you once held but no longer hold, and what make you change your mind?

Jade-Colored Glasses

I used to think that being cynical/negative was realistic and somehow smarter than being positive. I've since realized that a "be prepared for the worst but expect the best" is far better. We can't control the outcome of anything in life. Being negative makes you miserable rather than protected from bad things happening.

nanaimo

Cant' Have A Conversation With A Parrot

I used to be a conspiracy theorist. Believed that 9/11 was committed by the US government and that we never landed on the moon.

Once I started looking outside of the echo chamber I was in and started looking at alternate explanations, theories and listening to different viewpoints I soon realized how ridiculous those notions were.

Not-A-Real-Subreddit

A Big, Mysterious Universe

I used to be a strict, hardline atheist. I was the kind of bastard that would bring the subject up for no reason, just to argue. I don't know what the hell my problem was. Now I feel like, the universe is big, I don't know what all might be out there, I don't really care. I live as if there is no afterlife, because that makes sense to me. But if you don't, and you believe in one, that's perfectly fine, and maybe you're right. Who knows?

CDC_

Portrait Of An Artist As A Young Man

I used to believe anyone can be a successful artist if they just put the time and effort into it. There is no such thing as talent, only hard work.

What changed my mind: Art school. There were quite a few people that tried hard, but just weren't able to achieve professional level art.

berfica

You're Not Your Emotions

For the longest time, I thought my emotions were in a sense the most "real" part of me. I was always a very emotional person and I didn't make a real effort to control it as I thought it was a good thing, that I was just being honest with myself. Over time though, I started to become very depressed and the negative emotions just keep adding on and on. I thought "this is just how I am I guess". Unfortunately it started hurting other relationships I had, and everything changed when my girlfriend broke up with me. After a lot of reading I found that emotions are not who we are at all. They're just reactions and there's nothing that requires us to act on them or feed them. I'm learning to let it go through me instead of hanging on like I used to.

inca829

Don't Forget Big Willie Style

I used to think that hip hop was bland, repetitive, and all about clubbing and sh*t. Then one of my friends pointed me towards people like Kendrick Lamar, Eminem, Nas and Run The Jewels, who all have great songs and clever lyrics, and I realized that Hip Hop is pretty great.

6quid

The A**holes Will Always Find A Way

I used to think that the catholic church was responsible for all of the hateful people in it. I gave people the chance to challenge my opinion and someone explained it very nicely to me. Basically, the hateful people use the church as an excuse, if you remove the church they will gladly find another excuse.

TianaLeFong

High Times

Giphy

I used to tell myself that I would never stop smoking weed, and that I'd be happy if my kids grew up to be pot smokers... Now I have a kid, don't smoke, and realize what an idiot I was when all I did was smoke all day. I could probably be in a much better position if I hadn't smoked all through college.

But I mean, I still think pot's okay... Just in moderation.

edgar__allan__bro

The Road Less Traveled

"All taxation is theft, man! I made my money without any help from public institutions or the infrastructure they support, I should be able to keep every last dime of it!"

Naturally that was when I was 18, living at home rent free, and working at Pizza Hut as a delivery driver who relied upon public roads for pretty much every cent I made.

ExtremelyLongButtock

All Those PSA's Didn't Do Much

The whole D.A.R.E anti-drugs. Yes crack and heroin is bad, but they over dramatized what happens when you do smaller drugs. Weed isn't even a gateway drug, alcohol is more of a gateway drug. When I saw weed for the first time I thought it was tobacco (This was after all the D.A.R.E training too). Letting the government teach you your morales and philosophy is a thing that sheep do. Don't be a sheep.

PlantTreesForToday

Where Would We Be Without The Kindness Of Strangers

I used to think people on welfare and state assistance just weren't trying hard enough. I grew up spoiled and entitled and it seemed like any kind of charity was a stigma.

Then, my husband became chronically ill, and the economy took a shit. My family has been close to homelessness more than once, and have relied on state insurance and assistance off and on throughout the past few years. There are definitely people out there who abuse the system, but some just get stuck in a horrible cycle of poverty.

I also work in a school that has a high number low income and refugee families. It has really opened my eyes to the struggles that some people face.

BuffyandtheHellcats

He's Still There For You, The Best He Can Be

I could go through life and could seek meaningful advice from my Dad who has always been there for me.

Now he has been reduced to a feeble condition, I am starting to understand I'm out there on my own, and even what he's sure of is suspect given his mental and physical facilities have been rapidly deteriorating in his late seventies. I feel horrible that I have noticed this long before he did - or at least admitted as much.

june606

Clear Your Mind

This was before I received an ADHD diagnosis. When my doctor referred me to an ADHD specialist, first of all I refused to believe him and was kind of slighted that he even suggested that I could possibly have ADHD.

I had a very strong opinion that if I get a diagnosis that I would refuse to take prescribed amphetamines because they are "bad" and "addictive" and that they would ruin my life.

Then I actually tried the prescription and it was like magic.

Xingua92

Going Through The Whole Spectrum

Used to be fairly open with my views on immigration policy. Then I worked for a while down near Corpus Christie doing immigration work. I'd say one out if every hundred people that came through our office was going to somebody who actually wanted to work and try to make a living here. So many people simply wanted to exist enough to get welfare. Many were young men who we would later defend against exportation as a result of their criminal activity. I began to despise the work of defending these men and wished they would be deported.

Now, I'm dating a foreign girl and we are in the legal immigration process. She has advanced degrees and skills, so that makes things a little easier. But it does make me resent people who just bypass the system. We can't bypass the system because I imagine my participation in immigration fraud could get me disbarred.

RogerDeanVenture



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