IRL

Women (And Men) Reveal Their Plans For Snatching Up Newly-Single Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos

In case you're unfamiliar with him, Jeff Bezos is the owner of Amazon, and is currently the wealthiest person on the planet.


That wealth makes him a very desirable partner for many people. In light of the news of Bezos' pending divorce Reddit user wafflesngravy asked:

"Ladies, Jeff Bezos is on the market, what is your plan to reel in the richest man on the planet?"

User responses were nothing if not creative.

Wishing You Were Here

I'd make an Amazon Wishlist with one thing on it "Jeff Bezos."

-Wackydetective

Check out these other products you may also be interested in: Mark Zuckerberg 🦎

-kevma-coin

These recommendation algorithms really suck these days...

-Kaleido88

Well maybe you should've bought PRIME

kevma-coin

That Seems Like An Awfully Long Time

Wrap myself in cardboard and tape and come in a matter of hours.

-qb89dragon

Suspended by eighteen dji drones?

-Endurbro_mtb

According to dji their phantom 3 has a lift weight of 200 grams. If we take the average human body weight of 137 pounds or 62142.2 grams then that means you would require 311 dji drones to carry an average human. Not trying to sound like a smartass but I just thought about that reading your comment.

-SupahSulli

They Know Everything About You

He owns amazon, right? Yeah he knows too much. By the second order for facial hair trimmers my chances were shot.

-MathyMama

Yeah my top purchase categories from Amazon are power tools and sex toys. I don't think he's gonna come over.

-Iwanttoiwill

He might be into that kind of thing...

-kskinne

Don't Forget Mackenzie

Why is no one talking about his ex wife who is now the hottest bachelorette on the market?

-CDR40

The Estimate Is A Lie

Just order him, if you subscribe to Prime he'll be at your door the next day with no shipping cost

DsgtCleary

The next day?? Based on my Amazon shipping experience, you might consider a same-box add on of granola bars and bottled water for ol' Jeff's sake.

canoodlebug

That Could Do It

The way to Jeff Besos' heart is definitely through a new tax loophole

ukwonderboy

Recruit A Partner

I told my husband to go after the ex-wife and cut me in.

-portstreeter

You go after Bezos and he goes after ex wife.

b-utatwutcost

Sounds like the start of a rom com; like where there's a down-and-out couple struggling to pay the bills and can't manage to pay for the wedding that they want; so, they hatch a plot and wind up unexpectedly successful in winning over each of the billionaire divorcees. The plan was to at least live the lavish life for a while and maybe manage to get some cash before splitting up with the billionaire. But when it comes time to give up the lifestyle, one of the two is just having way too much fun with the lifestyle, while the other starts to feel lovelorn and not at all excited by their partner.

The unhappy former partner wants to go back to the relationship, but the other partner convinces them that the love is still there, but they need to keep their eye on the prize of getting the lifestyle they want. As time passes however, a few events cause the poor couple to start to really see the good in their rich partners and they even start to feel awful for trying to take advantage of these people. The poor couple manage to convince the billionaires that they should go on a once-in-a-lifetime adventure with their exes since it was an amicable breakup. But on this vacation, some hi-jinks ensue... involving yachts, private islands, safari adventures, and then finally a ride to the edge of space on Blue Origin (*wink wink*).

So, here we are, high above the earth at the edge of space, the passengers of the rocket are reflecting on the laughs, the fun, and the joy of the adventure montage that just finished, and then the billionaire guy stands up, gets on one knee and professes that he has found a new kind of love in his new partner and he will gladly throw everything away to spend his life in this new kind of happy relationship. But then, almost at the same time, the billionaire girl stands up and withdraws a ring from her pocket, showing that she also was planning to propose to her new partner.

The poor couples share a telling look - they've both also found a new type of love. It's not about the money, or the lifestyle, or vacations to the edge of space - it was always about the love that gives life true meaning. The poorer couple startle the billionaires when they walk over to each other, face them, and explain everything in a tear-jerking expose.

As the rocket returns to the earth, in the quiet of the capsule, the other passengers completely stunned and unsure how to react, the billionaire couple return to their usual selves. The woman breaks the silence first saying that it was really too soon anyway; the billionaire man agrees. Back on earth, the billionaires are glad that they had the chance to open their hearts up again and that they would continue to do so; not shackled by their wealth as they were when they were married.

The poor couple decide that they will just get married in a courtroom, but then the billionaires exclaim that they can't let them do that - they will help them pay for the wedding. Cue credits over wedding montage interspersed with bloopers.

Needs a catchy title... The Price of Love?

MrjK

What's Your Price?

Some friends of mine were discussing this, one girl said she wouldn't do it, she hates the sound of essentially being owned. I'm a straight guy, but a net worth of 137,000,000,000 is a thick number I can be gay for

-Lorde_Farquad

Well, after the divorce, it may be more like 70,000,000,000. Can you be gay for 70,000,000,000?

-BriarRose21

Hmm... that's a tough one

Lorde_Farquad

This One Has Things...Oddly Well Thought Out

Well i guess my plan would have to go something like this

  1. Divorce current hubby
  2. Kidnap Bezos
  3. Wait for stockholm syndrome to kick in
  4. Marry Bezos
  5. Have Bezos make will leaving everything to me
  6. Go hiking with new husband
  7. ???? Something involving a bear and a salmon in Bezos underwear????
  8. Cry at funeral
  9. Remarry 1st husband.

-Stabity_Deathbycandy

Very well thought out. Maybe a little bit too thought out lol. But I like your style!

wafflesngravy

Your honor I would like to submit that this woman killed her husband. My evidence? This Reddit comment from January 9, 2019 detailing her plan to kill her husband.

Postman5

Must Avoid Package Thieves

Place an order for one Jeff Bezos, using my Prime account and send him to a nearby locker to avoid package thieves. Also, I'm a married man, but for that amount of money I know my wife would play along.

TheCursedD20

Breaking up is hard to do.

And when you get the law involved, it's even worse. But sometimes people don't need the law's help to make things overcomplicated, they just have a grand ole time making that happen themselves.

People on the front lines of human cruelty include divorce lawyers. These are their stories.

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