Women Who Actually Said 'No' To A Proposal Explain What Happened.
Women who said "No" to a proposal on Reddit were asked: "What made you say no and what was the outcome?" These are some of the best answers.
2/26 We were 19. He proposed with a cubic zirconia ring and pretended to impress me (and all of our friends) by stating it was real.
In general, he was a chronic liar and cheater. Very insecure and seemed to be the type who wanted to "trap" someone into marriage. I was much more insecure and passive then.
He got married two months ago. Thank God I said no.
3/26 We'd been dating long distance for two months when he called me and laid out his entire life plan for "us". We were to marry. Immediately. I would graduate school, become pregnant a lot while using my (art) degree to support our kids and his suddenly desired career in full time volunteer ministry work. Never mind our religious differences and my already stated intention to remain childless.
He didn't propose. Propose implies asking. He just stated it as fact and was honestly surprised when I objected.
None of this was in my life plan, at all, nor was it discussed between us prior. He broke up with me very shortly afterward, citing my supposed inability to be a 'reasonable, rational person' in light of my rejection of his unilateral propositions.
4/26 We'd been dating for three years, having some trouble and he wasn't interested in making any changes to work things out. He basically broke up with me, turned out I was relieved, then found out he was really just bluffing to 'teach me a lesson'. When he figured out that I was okay with breaking up, he proposed. Really pissed me off. I actually responded with "I have a date this weekend". I guess that was a little harsh, but don't propose out of desperation because you screwed up.
5/26 We were 19 and in a [messed up] on/off relationship. At the time of the proposal we were off and in my head we were off for good. He came to my house and begged for me to come back including a tear filled proposal. I said no, got out of his truck and went back inside. A month later he told me he was going to be a dad. He knocked someone up around the time he wanted me back.
6/26 I said no because we're not ready! We've been long distance for 3 years now, and although we love each other very much, he knows I won't marry him until we're both settled in together. Still, he asks almost three times a week, and it's become a bit of a laugh for us. He tries to sneak the question in without me noticing, and I add ridiculous conditions to my yes.
I'm sure that when we decide to get married, he'll be too nervous to actually ask properly. He'll probably end up farting in bed and threatening to Dutch oven me if I don't say yes.
7/26 He asked me which Indiana Jones movies I liked. I told him the first and third ones were good, but didn't care for Temple of Doom (this was before the 4th one came out). Right then and there he got down on one knee and proposed to me with the taco he was about to eat. Five years later we're still dating.
8/26 Two friends in my old high-school clique dated for a couple months when we were all 14. We still remained friends after high-school but the guy never got over the girl, he was scary obsessed. Before we all went our separate ways for college, the dude came out of nowhere and asked me once if we were both single by 30 if I would agree to marry him. He was 100% serious. I said no thanks. I wasn't interested in him and he did it out of desperation and wanting to piss off his ex, because we were once best friends.
He eventually dated a whole bunch of unstable and (not to be cruel) very unfortunate looking women. He had low self-esteem and didn't take care of himself after the breakup. He actually married one a year or so before he turned 30. He spent most of his 20s harassing his old girlfriend, and driving by her house playing "their song" on the radio as loudly as possible. Cops were called.
Even at 30, He still stalks his high-school ex-girlfriend/my old friend from time to time and sits outside her place of work staring at her through the window, trying to get her attention. Yet again, she's had to call the cops a number of times. It's really awkward for her because she has to explain to her co-workers "Yeah, that's some guy I dated for 2 months when I was a freshman in high-school... can we get him out of here?"
9/26 We had been really amazing friends for 5 years. Hooked up in between our separate relationships. Then eventually were truly together for 2 years. I loved him and told him all the time. He never once told me he loved me back. He had been through some [messy] relationships and said he just "couldn't say that". We were wild, but he was wildest. The drinking was the killer. He only got close to telling me he loved me twice. Each time [he was drunk], and only said "Come on you know how I feel about you." I didn't. I didn't know if we were just fun or he actually [cared].
Then I left, and found someone that treated me better. That's when he started to really get that I could put up with [him] and still love him like not many could. A few months later he invited me over to talk it out and make things right. He had put together an entire photo album of our years together with a heartfelt letter. He told me he loved me, and was starting to go to AA. I hugged him and told him how happy I was for him and that it was sad we had come to this. Should have kept my mouth shut! He said it doesn't have to end, then whips out that box. The box you expect to get excited about. But the fear in my heart and the sadness for us... Ugh. I told him it wasn't a good idea, he needed to get his [stuff] together. I loved him but our relationship was pretty [messed up] when we were together.
Almost a year later I moved across the country. He showed up, drunk at my door out of the blue.
Told me [things were] bad. His current GF was stealing from him and shooting up. He couldn't trust her. He wanted to move in with me and make it work. I told him I was so sorry, and that he should get away from that and seek professional help. That he's obviously drunk and I can't find a way to make us work - ever - with the drinking. He showed up at my work the next few days drunk, gets kicked out. I loved him but was so mad with him I told him to go back home and leave me alone. He left.
A few days later I get a text saying he's so sorry. That I was always the one for him. I should be with him as his wife. Then he killed himself. Overdose. I love him, even if we were not the best together. I can never forgive myself for getting angry with him. I always wonder what if I had said yes. Sure we may be miserable, but he would be alive.
10/26 Turned down one guy because we didn't agree on how children should be raised. Turned down another guy because he proposed after I had moved on from our relationship.
11/26 I said no because I honestly was not prepared for such commitment so early and that fast. We have been seeing each other for about a year. I was 22 he was 24 and was always the super romantic kind of guy. Don't get me wrong I love this but it he was always rushing things way too early and too soon. Luckily he didn't plan a fancy proposal kind of thing just surprise asked me at home so I had to say no then. It didn't take long for us to break up eventually.
12/26 He was already married, offered to get divorced for me, and asked me multiple times with a ring. I have no idea why in the hell he kept asking. We were coworkers and he saw me as a challenge, I think. So obviously, said no every time.
13/26 We started dating when I was 16. My parents were going though a divorce so I was a bit vulnerable, and looking back, I think he could see that. We dated for 3 1/2 years. 3 1/2 years of emotional abuse that I didn't see. He just slowly whittled down my self esteem until I was just a shell of my former self. Then, out of the blue, he broke up with me.
I cried for an hour or so, begged him to take me back, and when he said no, turned to my friends for sympathy. And you know what each one of them said? Good. They hated him. Everyone I talked to had a different, and I started to realize, legitimate reason for hating that [jerk]. It was like the fog parted. I was free! Almost...
A couple of weeks later he showed up at my work begging me to come back. I said no. He begged me to just come out with him once more. He had something to show me. Being young, stupid, and honestly, still a little easily influenced by him, I agreed. I was happy, and I wasn't going back anyway.
He took me to this house that was under construction, said he wanted us to have a house like this, and got down on a knee to propose. I said no. He begged. Finally we came to the agreement (seriously this guy did not take no for an answer) that I would keep the ring for a while and think about it. So I did.
I showed some people at work my sparkly ring (the one I had picked out six months before he broke up with me) telling them, "No. I'm not saying yes. And I'm not keeping the ring. It's just pretty." Finally, after I showed the guy I was interested in dating, and he freaked out, I decided I need to tell my ex no for real and give the ring back.
We agreed to meet at a Starbucks. Unfortunately, and somewhat dangerously, for me the Starbucks was closed. No one around. Dark parking lot. We argued for like 3 hours (again, this guy could not take a no). He threw my keys in an attempt to keep me there. He slammed my car door, coming close to hurting me. And finally, he put his hands around my throat. And after the years of abuse and anger and worthlessness, I couldn't help it. I just laughed. Laughed in his face. I think that snapped him out of it because he agreed I could go. He just wanted me to take the ring. I said no. After some interminable time later arguing about it, I stuck it through the window of his car. He searched around, said he couldn't find it, then finally capitulated that if I would just take this little baggie of inspiring, religious books, and little knick knacks he had brought for me, I could go.
By the time I got to my apartment complex HOURS later, exhausted and angry, I tossed that little bag in my complex dumpster.
I got a call at 5 am from him. I answered. We talked for a minute before he asked me what I had done with the bag. I told him that I had thrown it out. The ring was in the bag. He had found it in the car and slipped it in the bag before he let me leave, I guess hoping that I would find it when I got home and call him. At that point, I could go downstairs, across my complex to the dumpster, and rescue the bag. Or. I could go back to sleep. I hope there's a rat out there with a beautiful diamond crown.
I had loaned him 2k over the course of our relationship that he never paid me back for, so I figured I bought it anyway.
14/26 He was really drunk and I had never met him before. He bought me a drink and then asked the next girl. St. Patrick's Day is a beautiful thing.
15/26 It was simply a ridiculous suggestion. We had been on and off, he hadn't been speaking to me for months until about a week before the proposal, and we hadn't discussed even dating again and suddenly he was on one knee with an actual diamond ring.
16/26 During the summer of 2011 my family and I traveled to Italy near the coast. For those of you who don't know, It was extremely beautiful, I had just gotten done with my first year of college; I was 18.
Cut to the hotel we stayed in. Now this hotel was different than an American one in that it was literally built into the side of a cliff; It went: Above ground elevator, then lobby, then walk through the restaurant (with a kitchen you could see into) to get to the area where the rooms were. So in short, no way of avoiding the restaurant/kitchen. This hotel had a small staff, but they were all very nice. Yes, there was a small language barrier but we chatted and talked and helped us out. One of them was the head chef.
Head chef seemed pretty cool at first. He was late 30's, early 40's. Understood my love of cooking and would teach me how to make certain things. Even gave me a Gnocchi board and taught me how to fish the way he did (since we were so close to the coast and I like to fish). Needless to say, young 18 year old me had no clue that this chef had a massive crush on me.
Now I know what you're thinking. "Are you sure he wasn't just being nice?" Yes. I am. He proposed to me. 3 times. In a week
Proposal #1: It was breakfast time. I'm not a morning person but Italian breakfasts consist of pastries, fruit, cheese, and meat. My type of breakfast. I go to grab a donut-looking pastry (think miniature bavarian cream donut but more amazing) when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and it's the head chef. I go to say good morning and before I get the words out of my mouth he says, "You marry me?" Now, I thought he was joking. I also had no clue how to react. A 30-40 something year old Italian dude just proposed marriage to me at 7 am while i'm in my pjs and shoving a donut in my mouth. I'm pretty sure my immediate reaction was to laugh first, then look confused, then sit with my family and eat. I thought it was over. I was wrong.
Proposal #2: It was a hot day. Hot as balls, one might say. I felt like fishing because I like fishing, so I grabbed the fishing gear (see: Sponge, fishing line, hook, stale bread) from the kitchen and headed down. Before I could head down the side of the cliff I saw the head chef. He looks happy, walks over to me and says, "You go fish? You no fish. You stay here, you be my wife." I, again, am not entirely sure of my reaction. I think I said something like, "I'm gonna go fish so thanks but no thanks...See ya..." Again. I'm 18. I'm in another country. I don't know if random marriage are the norm. So I went and fished and tried to forget about it.
Then comes Proposal #3: It's one of the last nights we're at this hotel. I'm kind of on edge because of the head chef, but I'm at dinner with my parents and sister so I don't think anything is gonna happen. I'm mindlessly talking about something (a book, or some college, I don't know), when I feel hands start rubbing my back. I panic, deer-in-the-headlights mode activated. Who is rubbing my back but the head chef. I'm extremely uncomfortable at this point and I think my parents realized it. Parents sort of pulled the chef away from me while talking to him, not wanting to start a scene. He's dressed up to go out to some night club and winks at me. He says something to my dad about me marrying him and my parents just sort of pull a grin-and-bear-it "she's too young for that" kind of thing. I, on the other hand, am mortified and embarrassed as this is the third time this has happened in a week. I finally realize that he's probably not joking as he tried talking to my dad about it.
He did apologize and seemed embarrassed himself, but I mean, dude, ffs. So many lines being crossed.
Now I'm in a loving and committed relationship with a guy my age; we've been dating a little over a year. We've talked about marriage and, surprise surprise, I'm not scared or confused anymore, so cheers!
17/26 It was our third date, he had taken me to a fairly average restaurant (which I can no longer return to), had arranged a whole thing with the staff so there was music and flowers and candles and stuff, the place was really busy and EVERYONE stopped to watch, and when I said no he started crying and had to be taken into the back by a couple of the servers. I was asked to leave and not come back, told I was horrible and cruel, etc. lol.
18/26 He did it impulsively as a way to apologize for physical abuse.
19/26 We started dating two weeks into college and dated all through college. It was really REALLY rocky the last year or so. Because I didn't have an identity outside of "dudes girlfriend" I had trouble breaking it off. So I got a second job, enrolled in 18 hours, and decided I would get a 4.0. This was all done so I wouldn't see him as much. The fighting decreased because I was too busy with all that to sweat the small stuff.
Well, we stopped fighting because I didn't [care] anymore. He believed that it was a good sign and popped the question on the way home from his parents house in Chicago. On the plane.
Worst flight ever. It was a good decision because it turned out he already had someone lined up and they were dating within a couple of weeks or so. He got her pregnant I think three months after we broke up.
Poor thing... I remember that she used to call me about their relationship problems, WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT FOR HIS CHILD, because I knew him better than she did. It always struck me as [ridiculous] that she was carrying his child, but also knew that she didn't know him well enough to know when he was lying. Who does that? She was beautiful too. Just a wee bit dumb.
20/26 I turned down my first proposal because of the massive insult it was.
I'd been dating a girl for a year, nothing sexual, but a very romantic relationship. I'd made it clear that I was happy as a woman and that I was NOT transitioning (early on she thought I was either a drag queen or a pre-op transsexual. I don't look very female dressed).
On Valentine's she proposed, and as I was sitting in shock (a happy shock at the specific moment), she mentioned that we could have the wedding "as soon as you finish transitioning and the surgery's healed." When I said "Excuse me?" she repeated it. I simply got up and walked away.
She'd spent a year deliberately ignoring everything I'd said about being a woman. She ignored seeing me naked the once and in bathing suits frequently. She ignored everything people told her about me. Because in her mind I was transitioning to male.
About a month later, she left town. I think she might be living in BC now, I've gotten cards from someone with her first name with a Vancouver postal code. I mark them 'no such resident' and return them--the name is unusual enough that I'd know if it was family. Besides, I'm now engaged to someone who actually listens.
21/26 I said no because we were fifteen and I kept trying to leave. The outcome? He chased me through the school and when we got close to my next class he shouted, "Why so you can [have sex with] Zach?" That was the end of that relationship.
22/26 It was too soon. We had only been dating for 9 months. I liked him, but wasn't sure that I was ready for marriage. Plus, I was too young. But we kept dating, and six months later moved in together. When he asked a year later, I said yes.
Thank goodness he didn't make a production of the first (or second) proposal.
23/26 Someone I had been dating for two months asked to marry him once. He was needy and clingy and didn't understand that I was 23 and not even close to being ready and I saw our relationship as a summer fling before leaving to finish school.
He showed up at my apartment after the break up. He stalked and called me until I said I would get a restraining order. Saw him in a restaurant a couple years ago. I could tell he wanted to say something to me but I was happy he left.
We were in two different places in our lives and I never led him on or told him I loved him it was just awkward.
24/26 He proposed while we were sitting on a park bench. Said we could move to Chicago because he has friends there. I said no because I am not going to marry some guy who just sat down on a park bench because he wants a green card and I'm a gringa. Walked away.
25/26 I said no because he was an immature, mean spirited man-child who just wanted someone to clean up after him and make him feel important. We had agreed from the beginning that we were both just in it to have fun, nothing serious. He proposed, I declined, he became ill-tempered and critical of everything I did. When I told him I had enough and needed a break from him, he became openly insulting and brought home girls to [screw] in the bed that I bought. Best decision I ever made was to say no.
26/26 I said no because I was 16 and he was 17. We were on a class trip to Europe and he must have felt it was the perfect place to pop the question. He was my first real boyfriend and I was his first real girlfriend. Unfortunately he was really clingy/possessive and I viewed our relationship as a stepping stone. I was never in love with him. When I said no he lost it and told everyone on the trip with us (our classmates and teachers) that I had rejected his proposal and was miserable for the rest of the trip. I tried breaking up with him when we got back home but he wouldn't let me. As in: he'd scream, cry, and threaten to commit suicide.
I actually dated him for one year after this and acted like an awful person so that he would have to break up with me. Years later he was still sending flowers to my parents house on my birthday and showing up unannounced when he was on leave from the Navy. Eventually I moved and told my parents to never tell him where I live.
Breaking up is hard to do.
And when you get the law involved, it's even worse. But sometimes people don't need the law's help to make things overcomplicated, they just have a grand ole time making that happen themselves.
People on the front lines of human cruelty include divorce lawyers. These are their stories.