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Divorced People Share The Thing They Wished They'd Asked Their Spouse Before Marriage

http://picpedia.org/highway-signs/d/divorce.html

I'd rather be alone than unhappy!

Marriage is a complicated situation, it's been shrouded in fantasy and fairytales since the beginning of time. We've been indoctrinated to believe that it is essential for living a happy life. We're all -straight, gay and all in between- suppose to find that missing half of us to be complete. Marriage, kids, house = HAPPINESS. What a load.

Redditor u/m1ke156 wanted divorcees to discuss hindsight by asking.... Divorced members of Reddit, what is one thing you wish you asked your spouse prior to marriage?


Who do you swing for?

Giphy

Are you gay? Would've saved me 7years and a bunch of heart ache. Terriberri877

Not op. We were both "taken by surprised" in some way but yes, given the benefit of hindsight there were signs. She didn't like to be touched in a romantic way and the dead bedroom. This would have been a very good indicator for anyone else but she had other issues from childhood that were also a very good explanation for not wanting that sort of thing.

At the time you are both in a straight relationship so "is it because she's/I'm gay?" is not really a thing either of us thought us.

In the end the "gay feelings" were there but not the only reason for splitting. They are however the only reason for not getting back together. We get along fine now. Kazamz

The truth is lying in wait.... 

Honestly I don't think it would have mattered what I asked, she still would have lied about it. AngloKiwi

This. So much this. Some people don't understand the idea of relationships working from both sides. It takes honesty on both to work and sometimes you don't realize you're being lied to until it's too late. VirtuousVice

Too Many Kids... 

Are you looking for a wife, or a mother? Let me tell you, feeling more like a caretaker than a partner is demoralizing. In a much better place now. TheEggplantRunner

Yes!! I totally get this. I wasn't married to my ex but i felt like his mother 80% of the time. Always picking up after him, feeding him, clothing him. People even made comments about it! Was such an eye opener being with someone who acts like an adult. Unicorns_are_real05

You thought this through?

Why do you really want to get married? Are you sure you love me enough to want to spend the rest of your life with only me? PhantomAngel042

Who are you?

Giphy

Are you a compulsive liar, narcissist and likely to sleep with anyone that shows the slightest bit interest with no care for how that effects your husband and children? Wouldn't have done any good, she'd have just lied anyway. Only_100kcal

Can you stand still?

Would you ever walk on me and our two kids after 13 years together to run off with a guy literally twice your age to that you meet on the internet, with out saying a word to me or anyone else, on our anniversary?

Yeah, explaining to a 7 and 12 year that I don't know where their mother went, or if they will ever see them again, while trying to assure them them it is not their fault was a something i never want to deal with again.

And doing this while packing up the house cause we can no longer afford to there...... evilcj925

Good Enough?

Not really ask my spouse, but ask myself... Am I settling? "this will be fine" is not enough. cysgr8

I think thats why people are less able to be happy. Always looking for better and never being able to enjoy what is around them. Nasirammes

Sex isn't just Sex! 

You're aiming to keep enjoying plenty of sex with me for the duration, right?

I don't think it was anything so deliberate on her side - just that something we both used to love mostly stopped mattering to her after the kids came along, whereas for me it never stopped being a cornerstone of what I thought intimacy should be (and such a waste of your life not to make the most of). She claimed she still loved me, but there's only a certain number of times you can hear that in a row as you lie there hurt, frustrated and despairing night after night after night...

Stayed together for the sake of the kids for a few years but then I finally left. Happy ending though - she lives five minutes up the road, we share custody, we're pretty good friends again now, and my lovely new girlfriend is utterly straightforward about - and keen on - having as much sex as she can (with me, that is!). I couldn't believe how simple that approach was when we first started seeing each other, and it's stayed that way ever since. UrsulaSpelunking

Want to discuss anything?

What are your true motivations for marrying me or, do you have any reservations/concerns. Considering she had to put on reddit that apparently she did, then ended up having motivations long term. throwaway_wubbles

A Change is Gonna Come... 

Giphy

"What do you expect to change once we are married?"

For me, the answer was not much. We already lived together and had a kid together. For her... Lots of things that she apparently thought were obvious but did not communicate. A brief example: a month before we got married I was driving two hours out of town for a company meeting and met with an old college friend (female, no romantic history) for lunch. No objections from the fiancè. A few months after we got married, same situation with the same girl and it was suddenly 'unthinkable' that I would do that. I asked why it was fine last time but not now and my ex wife said "because you're a married man."

I don't think it would have changed anything but it might have saved us both some heartache along the way. BarzTheOrange

Love YOU first! 

Honestly, all the information I needed was available to me. I knew she was a narcissist. I knew she was emotionally abusive. I just didn't think I deserved better than that.

Depression sucks. Just because you think "I can live with this" doesn't mean you should. tenehemia

Oh Brother.... 

"Are you going to be faithful to me? You're not going to sleep with my brother are you?" ... Turns out, she wouldn't be faithful and she would do that. TheRegularPikachu

Your brother is also a piece of crap. Coug-Ra

Shut the Door! 

Giphy

I can't think of any questions I wish I had asked but there were major red flags I wish I had paid attention to. For instance, normal people don't blatantly violate your boundaries and then try to blame you for it when confronted.

Ex wife, when we were dating, went through some personal items in my bedroom without asking. I confronted her about it and she proceeded to blame me because "the door was open," as if an open door was a license to invade my privacy. You know who reasons like that? Four year olds. I learned shortly after I stupidly married her that I was married to someone with all the maturity and ethical standards of a little badly behaved kid.

I was too naive to notice the giant gleaming red billboards along the way and I didn't love myself at the time. I think part of me didn't believe I could do better. Trust me, It's far better to be single than to be married to a terrible person. dontknowbilliejean

Run and don't look back! 

Prior to marriage questions: Are you going to ask me for a divorce if, when I finish college, I make more money than you? If, I do not get pregnant? Post divorce question (six years later): Now that I have a child from another man, will you go to the doctor to have yourself checked and confirmed that it was you all along that could not have children, I mean after you made me cry multiple times because I did not get pregnant at all?

Edit: Thank you for your good wishes. Yes, I am happy now. My child brings me joy. Bless you all.

A Family Affair.... 

Are you ever going to stand up to your family to defend me?

I am newly divorced. This huge red flag plagued me from the beginning. His entire family was abusive towards me in ways that sometimes are still too painful to even describe. Why I let them, why I stayed for so long are questions I will never have the answers to. After we signed papers in November, it was revealed he just had a baby with a woman who he has been cheating on me with for possibly at least 3 years. So I am reeling from that as well. Although we have an amazing teenage daughter who is my pride and joy, I regret the last 16 years of my life. sugarcookieprincess

Can't even give a face to face?

Seven years.

If you are not with someone that is committed to making the relationship work, they will LOOK for the bad things about you and turn it into a reason to get a divorce. There ARE legitimate reasons for divorce, but too many people think of it as an escape from their resolvable issues.

I overlooked how involved her mother was because they were both so warm and accepting of me. My ex had a temper and would strike me occasionally when things didn't go her way. Never enough to hurt, I'm a big guy. But since touch is my way of feeling loved by my spouse, even small punches like hers were very damaging emotionally. I asked her to not share what had happened with her mom, but she ran to her anyway. Her mother told her that it wasn't a big deal and that I was making something of nothing. Any time she did something wrong, her guilt was hushed by her mom. She left with our daughter and divorced me through a text message, then told me she was going to think about it before she filed. Two months of excruciating uncertainty later, she had her dad meet me in their driveway to tell me she was filing. MeerkatOutlaw

Who are you really? 

Two things:

  1. Do you secretly feel like a man trapped in a woman's body and wish to pursue becoming a man five years into marriage?
  2. Are you gay?

Both would have been pretty handy to know. I did ask by way of our previous partner's summary before marriage, but the list of women on their side of the equation weren't filled in until they acknowledged being trans and gay (or trans and not gay?). lightknight7777

This ain't the gravy train! 

"Do your parents have a retirement plan?" My future plans did not include taking care of his parents due to their lack of future planning. erniezzz

It's Family service.... 

I would have asked her if she was okay being married to the military. She needed to be okay with all the time away from home. The long hours, the late nights, being posted with other women at work, having friends of all races and gender, etc.

Basically, my wife thought she was okay with being married and getting that sweet tri-care insurance, but she wasn't okay with any other aspect of it. So her cheating on me and divorcing me after we had a baby was actually both the worst and best thing to ever happen to me. It hurt like hell for a whole year, and then I met my current girlfriend. We've been together 5 years this February, and I'm going to put a ring on it soon. Judoka229

Be a REAL dad! 

Giphy

Do you know that childcare works both ways? Like, you're a father, you need to be involved. You can't just come home from work and berate me for not having a meal on the table. lastorderstime

As a father and husband, this kind of crap irritates me. Men aren't supposed to be served in a relationship, it's a mutual thing. One day, I cook, the next day, you cook if you want. Take turns. I don't mind cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, dishes, diaper changing, taking the kids out so mom gets a break or grocery shopping with them so you get a minute alone.

I'm making memories with my kids and teaching them about respect for others in doing so. xavier_grayson

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Here are a some people admitting strong opinions they no longer have, and what it took to change those views. Redditor u/segafarm asks:

What is the strongest opinion you once held but no longer hold, and what make you change your mind?

Jade-Colored Glasses

I used to think that being cynical/negative was realistic and somehow smarter than being positive. I've since realized that a "be prepared for the worst but expect the best" is far better. We can't control the outcome of anything in life. Being negative makes you miserable rather than protected from bad things happening.

nanaimo

Cant' Have A Conversation With A Parrot

I used to be a conspiracy theorist. Believed that 9/11 was committed by the US government and that we never landed on the moon.

Once I started looking outside of the echo chamber I was in and started looking at alternate explanations, theories and listening to different viewpoints I soon realized how ridiculous those notions were.

Not-A-Real-Subreddit

A Big, Mysterious Universe

I used to be a strict, hardline atheist. I was the kind of bastard that would bring the subject up for no reason, just to argue. I don't know what the hell my problem was. Now I feel like, the universe is big, I don't know what all might be out there, I don't really care. I live as if there is no afterlife, because that makes sense to me. But if you don't, and you believe in one, that's perfectly fine, and maybe you're right. Who knows?

CDC_

Portrait Of An Artist As A Young Man

I used to believe anyone can be a successful artist if they just put the time and effort into it. There is no such thing as talent, only hard work.

What changed my mind: Art school. There were quite a few people that tried hard, but just weren't able to achieve professional level art.

berfica

You're Not Your Emotions

For the longest time, I thought my emotions were in a sense the most "real" part of me. I was always a very emotional person and I didn't make a real effort to control it as I thought it was a good thing, that I was just being honest with myself. Over time though, I started to become very depressed and the negative emotions just keep adding on and on. I thought "this is just how I am I guess". Unfortunately it started hurting other relationships I had, and everything changed when my girlfriend broke up with me. After a lot of reading I found that emotions are not who we are at all. They're just reactions and there's nothing that requires us to act on them or feed them. I'm learning to let it go through me instead of hanging on like I used to.

inca829

Don't Forget Big Willie Style

I used to think that hip hop was bland, repetitive, and all about clubbing and sh*t. Then one of my friends pointed me towards people like Kendrick Lamar, Eminem, Nas and Run The Jewels, who all have great songs and clever lyrics, and I realized that Hip Hop is pretty great.

6quid

The A**holes Will Always Find A Way

I used to think that the catholic church was responsible for all of the hateful people in it. I gave people the chance to challenge my opinion and someone explained it very nicely to me. Basically, the hateful people use the church as an excuse, if you remove the church they will gladly find another excuse.

TianaLeFong

High Times

Giphy

I used to tell myself that I would never stop smoking weed, and that I'd be happy if my kids grew up to be pot smokers... Now I have a kid, don't smoke, and realize what an idiot I was when all I did was smoke all day. I could probably be in a much better position if I hadn't smoked all through college.

But I mean, I still think pot's okay... Just in moderation.

edgar__allan__bro

The Road Less Traveled

"All taxation is theft, man! I made my money without any help from public institutions or the infrastructure they support, I should be able to keep every last dime of it!"

Naturally that was when I was 18, living at home rent free, and working at Pizza Hut as a delivery driver who relied upon public roads for pretty much every cent I made.

ExtremelyLongButtock

All Those PSA's Didn't Do Much

The whole D.A.R.E anti-drugs. Yes crack and heroin is bad, but they over dramatized what happens when you do smaller drugs. Weed isn't even a gateway drug, alcohol is more of a gateway drug. When I saw weed for the first time I thought it was tobacco (This was after all the D.A.R.E training too). Letting the government teach you your morales and philosophy is a thing that sheep do. Don't be a sheep.

PlantTreesForToday

Where Would We Be Without The Kindness Of Strangers

I used to think people on welfare and state assistance just weren't trying hard enough. I grew up spoiled and entitled and it seemed like any kind of charity was a stigma.

Then, my husband became chronically ill, and the economy took a shit. My family has been close to homelessness more than once, and have relied on state insurance and assistance off and on throughout the past few years. There are definitely people out there who abuse the system, but some just get stuck in a horrible cycle of poverty.

I also work in a school that has a high number low income and refugee families. It has really opened my eyes to the struggles that some people face.

BuffyandtheHellcats

He's Still There For You, The Best He Can Be

I could go through life and could seek meaningful advice from my Dad who has always been there for me.

Now he has been reduced to a feeble condition, I am starting to understand I'm out there on my own, and even what he's sure of is suspect given his mental and physical facilities have been rapidly deteriorating in his late seventies. I feel horrible that I have noticed this long before he did - or at least admitted as much.

june606

Clear Your Mind

This was before I received an ADHD diagnosis. When my doctor referred me to an ADHD specialist, first of all I refused to believe him and was kind of slighted that he even suggested that I could possibly have ADHD.

I had a very strong opinion that if I get a diagnosis that I would refuse to take prescribed amphetamines because they are "bad" and "addictive" and that they would ruin my life.

Then I actually tried the prescription and it was like magic.

Xingua92

Going Through The Whole Spectrum

Used to be fairly open with my views on immigration policy. Then I worked for a while down near Corpus Christie doing immigration work. I'd say one out if every hundred people that came through our office was going to somebody who actually wanted to work and try to make a living here. So many people simply wanted to exist enough to get welfare. Many were young men who we would later defend against exportation as a result of their criminal activity. I began to despise the work of defending these men and wished they would be deported.

Now, I'm dating a foreign girl and we are in the legal immigration process. She has advanced degrees and skills, so that makes things a little easier. But it does make me resent people who just bypass the system. We can't bypass the system because I imagine my participation in immigration fraud could get me disbarred.

RogerDeanVenture



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