People Share Their All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Horror Stories

Negative Space / Pexels

My ex husband had a super strict NO BUFFETS rule. I thought it was a bit odd, but I had no idea how right that man was to have that rule. I'd only ever been to higher-end sushi buffets where you could see everything, and a Ponderosa once or twice as a kid during a Disney vacation. Six year olds don't care about hygiene when they're all hopped up on the mouse.

Fast forward a few years to my very own Disney vacation. My children (the oldest was about 7 for this) really wanted to go to a buffet. Since Daddy wasn't with us to act as a buffet-blocker, we totally went.

And we totally regretted it.

Can I just ask why people feel compelled to lick the communal serving utensils?!? How hard is it to cover your mouth when you sneeze? Do you really need to dip your finger into every sauce and taste test it?

I left with so many questions; as well as a newly adopted NO BUFFETS rule ... and a stomach bug.

Reddit user no_walking_anytime asked:

What are your all-you-can-eat buffet horror stories?

Brace yourselves, dear readers. Things are about to get incredibly vomitastic. I know that's not a "real" word, but trust me - it's the only word that fits.

Ranch Legos


My mother insisted on going to Hometown Buffet because she found a coupon in the newspaper. The whole buffet smelled heavily of bleach. All the food tasted like it was trying to die but the preservatives were keeping it on life support far beyond normal reason. I stuck mainly to the salad bar and fruits. I'd been using the small portion plates to make salad with veggies and a little ranch dressing. I went back for a 3rd small plate of salad and veggies. I grabbed the ladle in the ranch dressing tub and poured it over my salad, at that moment a ranch dressing covered lego man fell out of the ladle and onto my food.

I kept him. He's chilling in one of my toolboxes somewhere.

- Influx_ink

Old Lady Vomit

One time I went with my parents and some relatives to Las Vegas. My dad was starving himself all day so he could fill up on crab legs at the Paris buffet.

So anyway, these relatives are just bitter, slow, awful people who make the whole day miserable. One of them is a very old woman in a wheelchair that my dad is pushing around all day. Basically he's hot and hungry and miserable; but excited for dinner. It's the only thing he's looking forward to all day.

We get to the buffet, get our table, dad doesn't even sit - he just goes straight for the food. While he is gone. the old lady throws up all over the table. Stinky, old lady vomit would bother anyone, but my dad specifically is a sympathy puker.

The relatives tried to complain and say the food made her sick, but we didn't even eat yet! We ended up leaving without eating anything. Some other tables nearby cleared out as well.

I was really young when this happened but I remember my dad walking back towards the table with a huge plate of crab legs and big smile and then his face just totally falling lol

- samanthastoat

Mystery Meat

Way back before you needed a Canadian passport to cross the border into the US, my family would make regular trips into Michigan and Ohio. Once we were at a Ponderosa buffet and my dad put something on his plate that he couldn't identify - he wasn't sure if it was chicken or fish even after tasting it but for some ungodly reason he ate the rest anyway.

Cut to twenty minutes later and we're all packed into the van listening to my dad LOUDLY vomit repeatedly into a bush in the parking lot. He sounded like someone was forcibly tearing out his insides and I still remember the sound to this day.

People walked right past him and kept going inside to eat.

- CrazyCatLushie

The No Sugar Kid

When I was an emo middle schooler, my best friend's mom forced me to join girl scouts with them. One day she took the whole girl scout troop out to a restaurant with a salad bar buffet. I got stuck sitting next to a girl I hated. She was VERY religious and this was the first time she had ever been away from her mom (she was around 14) and she wasn't allowed to have sugar.

She ordered a large strawberry milkshake, chugged it, ate a huge plate full of spinach with ranch on it, and then vomited bright pink vomit all over the table, the floor, herself, and me. The worst part was that we had to sit in the car with her for the 2 hour drive home, holding our breath.

- 99Stars

Boiling Hot Crab Water

Went to a buffet for my dad's birthday one Saturday night. The workers had just brought out the new tray of crab legs and there was a line forming. My family and I waited patiently in line, when the guys in front of us starting arguing because one of them was taking too long to pick which pieces he wanted. Arguing turned into shoving, and then finally one of the guys pushed ahead and stuck his hand into boiling hot water, grabbed a couple crab legs, threw them on his plate and left the line. Pretty sure he had to leave soon after because he had some serious burns on his hand.

- toomuch-freetime

The Loophole

I'll never forget when I was a teenager and working the buffet line at a Ponderosa steakhouse, this morbidly obese child had a plate with a MOUNTAIN of food. Like some of literally almost everything from the buffet. Mashed potatoes, pizza, chicken wings, jello, pudding, like EVERYTHING piled on top of each other.

So I go up to him because it was bizarre and I'm like "Hey you know you can use a second plate?"

He said "I'm only allowed to have one plate"

His parents were trying to restrict his diet and he just found a loophole. But if you have a kid with this sort of issue, maybe don't go to a buffet?

- givebusterahand

Roast Beef Lady

I remember going to one a few months ago and there was a lady seated next to my table. I was eating when she leaned in and asked, "Hey, what's that you're eating?" I told her it was roast beef. She said, "Looks good. Mind if I try some?" and proceeded to cut a piece off of my plate with a fork she had used! She decided she really liked it and left to go get some more from the carving station.

I pushed the plate aside and finished everything else. I left to go cut some more roast beef when I see that there's no more left. Then I see the lady - I kid you not- with about 3/4 (all that was left) of it on her plate. I just got something else from the food bar.

After about 30 minutes, the lady only ate a quarter of the roast beef before loudly exclaiming, "I'm full! Excuse me, may I get my check?"

The waitress came over and said that she had wasted too much food and explained that they charged 20% more for wasted food. The lady got really mad and yelled "Heck no!"

She tried to leave paying only the regular price before the waitress told her she hadn't paid everything. The lady yelled "This is one scam business you guys have!" but she finally agreed to pay. On her way out the door, she yelled "I'm telling all my friends about you guys!" and stormed off.

People just kind of looked at her and continued on.

- notfromconcentrate47

Mini Octopus. Never Again


I had an internship a few years ago with an engineering group of an industrial plant. Every now and again they would go out somewhere for lunch and invite me along. One day they decided to go to a Chinese buffet nearby. I love Chinese food and cheap Chinese food so I was totally game. It was your typical Chinese buffet, and was actually pretty good.

But then one of my colleagues brought back on a plate the source of my soon to be woes. A singular mini octopus. I have no idea what the proper name was, but it was just a tiny octopus pickled in something, and was about the size of a thumb tip. He brought it back as a joke kind of passing it around trying to get people to try it.

Then I said "I'll give it a shot."

Everyone just kind of laughed and looked at me, but I insisted and he put it on my plate. Now I'm a pretty adventurous eater and love trying new and especially weird foods. I'll try just about anything and enjoy doing so. I had also had octopus many times before served several different ways so I thought "how bad can it be?"

Very. Bad.

I don't remember the exact flavor but it was vinegary and salty for sure. That and it tasted like it was sitting on the buffet for a week. The texture was worse. The best way to describe it is like trying to eat a rubber bouncy ball. I tried to chew it a bit but made little progress. So at this point everyone at the table is asking how it was, and somehow through all my grimacing I manage to say "not great."

They kind of awkwardly change the subject while I find myself in a weird position. I want to spit it out, however I was sure doing so would have made me vomit all over the table. But the thing was so damn hard to chew that if I actually chewed it properly I would have vomited anyway. So I decided to just swallow it mostly whole and get it over with. It was extremely unpleasant and an all around bad time.

However, my pain didn't stop there. Oh no. The real pain came when we got back.

Almost immediately after getting back to the maintenance office I could feel it. My bowels were in some of the most intense pain I ever felt. I very quickly got up and headed out of the office towards the bathroom, grabbing a clipboard on the way out to make it look like I was actually going to work instead of my own personal hell. I get to the bathroom and sit on the toilet.

The most vile poo you've ever seen. It felt like it was relentless. It burned so bad and I hadn't even eaten any spicy food. The fact that I didn't cry or scream still amazes me. As I'm writing this right now my bowels are crying in pain over the memory of what happened.

Wiping was the revenge of my expelled demon. It was like trying clean up an oil spill with one paper towel. The single ply toilet paper never stood a chance. Wad after wad, wipe after wipe came back brown, as if I had never even attempted.

Eventually though, I was finished. There was no more material, and no more wiping. There was already enough damage done. I wash my hands and look in the mirror at the broken man before me.

Then I check my phone and realize that I had been in the bathroom for over an hour and a half. Realizing this, I grab my clipboard, walk out of the bathroom, and head back to the engineering office trying my best to look like I accomplished something. I walk back into the office and sit back down at my laptop. No one says a word to me. They knew. They had to have. But they didn't say a thing.

So, yeah. That's my worst buffet experience. Mini octopus. Never again.

- CoreyCC97

The Moment It Dawned On Me

Years ago, I would take my father to lunch every weekend. He loved buffets, preferring all-you-can-eat restaurants over finer dining establishments. On one such lunch occasion, we were quietly enjoying our first plates, and I see a teenager hurriedly making his way to the restroom. The kid has one hand over his mouth, and puke is running through his fingers and around his cupped hand. I immediately lose my appetite, and just hang out as my dad goes back a couple more times.

Cut to 20 min later, and I see puke kid at the buffet, loading up his plate, handling the same serving utensils as everyone else. I'm sure he did his best to clean up, but this still grossed me out. That's the moment it dawned on me that every customer, hygienic or otherwise, handles these same utensils. The guy that licks his fingers, the kid that picks his nose, the lady with an itchy armpit...

- Dutchapplepoptart

Pizza And A Fire Engine

I was a volunteer firefighter back in my home town. After a Saturday training class we went to Cici's, an all you can eat pizza joint. It wasn't my normal shift so I kinda pigged out, I think I earned it given the training we had just gone through. Most calls we get are medical emergencies and given that I wasn't on the responding shift I figured I was in the clear. I was wrong.

Towards the end of my pizza binge a call goes out a few districts over. It's a brush fire threatening a mobile home park. Weekends are usually when most volunteer departments have man power, and given that it was an actual fire we all figured departments would be fighting over it. Nope.

First department gets toned out, no answer. Second gets toned out, still no one answering. Third gets toned out, with an update of a confirmed mobile home fire. Well at that point we have made it to the fire engines and the chief offers our department to respond since nobody else is. One fire engine, one tanker (water tender, depending on where you are from), and utility vehicle with the chief and another fire fighter on board. We are bringing everything you could need to this fire. We are still the only department (district) that has answered.

So there I am in the back of the engine trying to get my bunker gear and scba on. It isn't easy to do that in a moving vehicle much less in an out dated fire engine with less room than a dressing room in a department store. I'm feeling the pizza at this point but once I sit back down all seems to be ok.

We get on scene and I jump out and start pulling an attack line off the truck. Get all 200 feet situated and ready. The chief puts two guys on that hose and yells for me to pull the other line. I feel the weight of every slice I put into my trap with each movement I make. But adrenaline has command so I pull another 200 ft of hose. By then other departments have started arriving.

Chief puts me and another fire fighter on that hose and we start concentrating on the fire on the outside and threatening other homes. I had to open my air flow valve all the way just to keep from puking in my mask. It's hot and sweaty and my pizza burps are not helping at all. I went through a 20 minute pack of air in 10 minutes. Once I was out of air the subs were put in.

The medical team there to support rehab zeroed in on me at this point. Apparently I was very pale and looked like I was going to pass out. I walked pass them, all the while they are trying to get me to sit down, and barfed up everything from that days meal. I swear it didn't stop for a good 2 minutes.

Once I was done with that I felt great. I continued to assist with outside operations, the med team wouldn't let me go anywhere near a spot where full gear was needed. We were able to save the surrounding homes. Once back at the station I let my mask soak in disinfectant to get the smell out.

- Acidain

"Yeah, We Know..." 


Went to Golden Corral while I was pregnant, and after we'd finished eating I reached to get a napkin out of the dispenser on the table and a roach came out with the napkin. I immediately wanted to vomit. I called the manager over and told her what happened. She said "Yeah, we know. We're working on it but we just can't seem to get rid of the infestation. We even had somebody come spray last night but I guess it didn't help."

I freaking lost it. I ended up reporting them to the health department after the manager told me she wasn't sure anything had been cleaned after the pest control company sprayed the night before.

- RogueXZombie85

Have you ever found yourself in an argument so stupid and/or pointless that you were sure you were being punked? Like you keep looking away from the other person to check your surroundings for places Ashton Kutcher and a camera crew could come popping out of?

You're not the only one.

u/Anti-hollowkid asked: What is the dumbest argument you've ever been in?

Brace yourselves, folks. Some of these arguments are breathtakingly bonkers. The sheer number of people who are willing to argue with someone over provable facts and what that other person likes or doesn't like is just ... stunning. It's stunning, you guys. Just not in a good way.

I Know What I Like


My wife and I once argued over whether or not I liked mustard on my hot dog. I was for me liking mustard, she was against me liking mustard.

The argument lasted way longer that you could ever imagine it would.

- AardvarkAndy

A Stair Step

My brother and I argued if our staircase had 13 or 14 steps, based on an argument about if the floor of the second floor counts as a stair-step or not. We still have no solution.

- RazerWolf04

My dad is a stairbuilder and I spent many summers working at his warehouse, so I can clear this up. 14.

- Apples9308


My husband and I have this thing where we only say "I love you" on Saturdays. Every other day it's "I love you, but only on Saturdays." I don't know how it started, but it's been going for 11 years now.

We're both shiftworkers, so sometimes we have to stop and think what day it actually is. We had an argument recently over whether it was Saturday or not. I said it was Saturday, he said it was Friday. It was Monday.

- FormalMango


I remember when I was about 13 my parents had an hour-long shouting match that ended with them almost getting divorced. The issue? Whether or not the nation of Iraq has a coastline.

My mother arguing that Iraq had a coastline, while my stepdad argued that it did not. This was back in 2004, and they are still quite happily married to this day. That incident is something they look back on and laugh about, and both of them admit it was really a pretty stupid thing to argue over.

- dontcryformegiratina


With an ex:

"I owe you $80 for the bills of ours that you pay, and you owe me $40 for the bills of ours that I paid. Here's $40 in cash; we're even."

She did not understand this.

I literally had to go get another $40 out of the ATM, and hand the $80 to her. Then I had her hand me the $40 she owed me.

"Now how much do you have in your hand?"

She still didn't understand.

She somehow has a college degree.

- Speedly

Mini Wheats

When we were kids my brother and I got in a physical fight because he said I like mini wheats and I insisted I didn't. His argument was that I always sang the mini wheats song and I was deeply offended that he wasn't aware that it was just stuck in my head but I hated the cereal. I actually did like the cereal I'm not sure why I was arguing with him about it but I remember how genuinely angry I was.

- shicole3



I'll tell you about the only legal trouble I've ever been in, the fight that got me arrested. It started over whether we should return a box of crayons or not, and to this day I don't have any idea how it escalated to the point of the cops being called, but they were and I was the one taken in.

- CorrectionalChard

That's Unfair

My boyfriend insisted that when two people are in an argument and one makes a point so reasonable and logical the other one can't disagree with it - it's unfair. I tried, logically and reasonably, to explain several times why that is just winning the argument, proving your point thoroughly and is completely fair.

His answer was that I was being unfair.

- ShyAcorn

Pure Masochism

How the ch in masochism is pronounced. My friend caught me saying "masoKism" while he would say "masoSYism."

To be fair, he grew up speaking French, in which the ch in masochism is pronounced in "his" way. But he insisted that I was the wrong one here and that was just infuriating.

- argofire

Emailing NASA

A woman was adamant that looking at the big solar eclipse on the television was unsafe unless you were wearing glasses. She wouldn't believe us and insisted on emailing NASA to check.

- derawin07

A Non-Standard Ruler? 

I worked for a company that made signs. We had a customer ask for signs that were 7mm wide that were to go on a door. Our sign makers figured the order meant inches because 7mm is pretty small, so made them 7 inches. I got a phone call from the customer who went mad at me for making them the wrong size. So I put a reorder through for 7 mm.

Argued with the sign makers over it but they eventually agreed to do it after I shown them the order in writing. I even had the customer put her complaint in writing, reiterating the size they wanted.

7mm signs went out and a day later I get the customer on the phone literally screaming at me.

Cue the dumb argument - we ended up having an argument over how big a millimetre is, and obviously everyone in the office were laughing, but this customer just wouldn't accept it and said we must be using a non-standard ruler to measure.

Ended up being escalating to the sales department manager who refused to issue a refund. We still don't know what they actually meant.

- Lovelocke

This Unusual Vegan Argument

Was in a pub with a few friends, and some random Dude dropped an ear, and somehow figured I'm vegan. Well, people like him are the reason I usually avoid mentioning it. He came up to me and insisted on starting a discussion about veganism. He claimed that by the end of it, I would be eating meat again.

He listed some stupid arguments, I told him I was not convinced and then tried to keep on drinking beer with my friends. He followed me, and wanted me to "try to convert him to a vegan." I stupidly listed some of my reasons thinking it would make him go away. He told me he still was not convinced, so I was like whatever. Again, I really just wanted to drink beer with my friends.

That dude followed me all night and expected me to try make him vegan. Doesn't matter what I said, and all the reasons that for me are obviously good enough to be vegan. He'd be just like "No, that doesn't convince me, therefore your argument and how you life is stupid."

Didn't matter how often I told him that I honestly don't care; 5 minutes later he would come up to me again "I'm still not vegan, so veganism is stupid, all your arguments were stupid, now give me a good reason to become vegan!" At one point, I was literally yelling at him that I don't give a single flying f about what he eats and why, that it's in no way my responsibility to "turn somebody vegan" and in no way his business what I eat.

Honestly, for that dude, I would have bought a whole ham, just to shove it up his stupid annoying face.

- onlytruebertos

Monty Python

In college my roommate and I argued about a line in Monty Python & the Holy Grail. The scene with the Black Knight where the line "Alright, we'll call it a draw" is uttered. We argued about who said that line, whether it was King Arthur or the Black Knight.

It went on for hours longer than it should have because I was stubborn and refused to admit I was wrong.

- Skrivus

Albert or Arnold


Whether Albert Einstein or Arnold Schwarzenegger would be more useful to have around during a Zombie apocalypse. How on earth would Albert Einstein come in handy!?

- Gerrard1995

Below Sea Level

I live on an island and when you go upland and you look out the sea looks like it's higher than or on the same level as the land. It's just a weird perspective thing because of the horizon. One day some kid says that it's because the island is under sea level.

I'm like wtf bro all of us would be with the fishes. He argues that no that's not true and if I just go upland I'll see. We then spend a good 5 minutes of my time arguing about it until I decided to leave this kid in his stupidity. He even said we shouldn't believe everything adults tell us and sometimes we need to think for ourselves.

This kid was older than me and was going to a good school. Lost my respect for him ever since then.

- -justforclout-


Someone tried to fight with me over how to spell my name.

Now, my name is in a lot of languages with slightly different spellings. I would have accepted any of those spellings, but this one was just... Not even close. It didn't make any logical sense.

An analogous example is if my name was Thomas and someone was insisting it was spelled Tomash. And not just the name Thomas in general, but that me specifically, on my birth certificate, was named Tomash. I know how to spell my own name.

I swear to god, it went on for like an hour.

- TK-DuVeraun

Whales Are Mammals

I was in an online chat room one day, and we were talking about whales. I commented on how whales are mammals and the next thing you know, someone was arguing with me and trying to convince me that a whale was a fish.

- kawaii_psycho451


Stupid microwaves. Having a man child talk down to me about how microwaves work only for him to google it and prove me right. He slept on the sofa that night.

- sun_phobic

Shower Schedule

My friend keeps telling me that the norm is that a person should shower once a week. This has been going on for years. I'm almost convinced he's trolling me.

- LibrarianGovernment

No Balloons For Grandma

My cousin and I argued over a balloon going to Heaven. We were at his big sisters prom send off and he let a balloon go and it went high into the sky.

He then said this balloon will go up past space and go to Heaven and reach grandma (God rest her soul). And I was like no it's not and it's probably not even gonna reach space. Releasing balloons is terrible for the environment and kills/harms so much wildlife.

He got really mad and defensive and started telling me to google it and do my research and I'm like I don't have to google it you idiot. He was mad at me for a good week.

- Dskee02

Spontaneous Dolphin Existence


How dolphins reproduced. It took me a few solid minutes of explaining to her that dolphins have reproductive organs and that they did not just pop into existence. The argument began with her saying she wanted to work with sea creatures.

Personally, I hope she was messing with me cause I lost a little faith in humanity that day.

- thebeststory

Male Chickens

I repeatedly had the argument with a friend over whether roosters were chickens. She was convinced that only the females were chickens (hens). We were 18 at the time.

- bee_zah

Lightning McQueen

Me and my friend were drinking underage, we ended up in an argument of whether lightning McQueen's eyes were blue or green. Somehow throughout the whole thing both of us never thought to straight up google a picture.

- 23071115

But ... Ice Floats

Waiter/Host here.

Woman wanted ice on the bottom of her drink.

Now read that sentence again and try to imagine arguing with that particular brand of stupid.

- FarWoods

Time Zones Exist

Coworker claimed that it was the same time of day and the same season on the whole globe. Had to get 4 coworkers to confirm to him that time zones do in fact exist.

- JustARegularToaster


My brother is colorblind. And he CONSTANTLY tries to correct me on what color things are.

"Hey could you hand me that red _____?"

"that's orange"

"no, it's red"



It is the base of our most common and heated arguments.

- droneb2hive

Andre 2000?


I'm late, but I saw this question and instantly remembered that I was booted from a Facebook group because I called someone out on a lie that was not only bull, but extremely pointless. She was friends with the moderator and they made the case that my argument over such a little lie was more of a problem than the lie itself (though they didn't refer to it as a lie.)

The woman said that she used to babysit for Andre 3000 and that his name was Andre 2000 - but he changed it after the year 2000 had passed. This was so easily disproven it was ridiculous. Their debut album came out in 1994 and he was already going by Andre 3000 at that time.

The argument wasn't a huge long drawn out thing, but the fact that either of us were on Facebook at separate times meant that the responses were over a long period of time so this argument lasted a few days.

It was stupid.

- P1ST0L_Wh1PP3D

Stars Like Our Sun

I was arguing with my grandpa about stars he didn't believe that there are other stars like our sun. Basically he thought there is only the sun, the moon and the earth.


Richard Nixon

I have a degree in history. I mostly focused on nationalism. Wrote a 50 page paper on it and Richard Nixon with around 50 100 sources. Looked at micro film for hours on end. Part of the paper focused on how Nixon being chair of the house committee of Unamerican Activities was used as a powerful weapon to use against political enemies. It also inspired Joe McCarthy. Have had people tell me I was wrong and Nixon was never elected to a position besides the president and Joe McCarthy came before Nixon. I stopped trying to talk history to people.

I also know quite a bit about the history of the Balkans its amazing how many Serbs refuse to believe Tito did anything wrong.

Wrote 100 page paper on nationalism in Israel. Its frustrating to talk about because for some reason a lot of people think Palestinian firing rockets randomly into Israel is ok but if Israel retaliates the people get up in arms over a targeted air strike that kills 3 people.


Balloon to Heaven

My cousin and I argued over a balloon going to Heaven. We were at his big sisters prom send off and he let a balloon go and it went high into the sky. He then said this balloon will go up past space and go to Heaven and reach grandma (God rest her soul). And I was like no it's not and it's probably not even gonna reach space.

And he got really mad and defensive and started telling me to google it and do my research and I'm like I don't have to google it you idiot. He was mad at me for a good week.


Binder Clips

I got into an argument with a co-worker over how we were attaching two pages of a letter together: small binder clips or paper clips.

He felt that paper clips would leave a "dent" in the paper when removed, but binder clips won't. He refused to staple them together. I felt that binder clips would also leave a "dent", so we might as well just use the paper clips.

It ended with him saying: "Do what you want [me], I don't care!" and storming off.



Once got accused of faking being Jewish. Why? I have no clue. We argued over the course of a month, any time I'd bring it up and she heard about it, she'd begin going after me for "faking it".

My mother's side is ethnically Jewish. Grandparents were practicing.




3 friends and I once got into an argument about how to pronounce Nutella. It lasted for about 3-4 months. It was hilarious how serious we took it, it'd get heated but never for real serious.

I think someone even called the company that made it to check, or that may have been for the Cheetos company. We were really bored in high school.


Lingerie Boxes

Late to the party, but there it is.

I'm a manager at a small store. We're only 4 working there, so my team and I grew very close and we joke around a lot. Once during a slow shift, my employee and I had an argument because we were looking at the lingerie boxes, and I thought that two specific boxes had the same woman on it, but she was 100% positive they weren't the same person.

Looking back, I don't know why it was such a big deal to us at the time, but we even called another employee who lives across the street to come and tell us what the heck was up with that. Turns out I was right, and she was pretty salty about it. It was a great night.


Wicked Witch of the West

I almost got into an argument with an old girlfriend over Glinda the good witch from Oz. She insisted that Glinda was manipulating Dorothy to assassinate the Wicked Witch of the West and convince the Wizard to leave to create a political void she could fill.

I conceded the issue when I heard the whole premise because I thought it was too damn stupid to get worked up over.


Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Just the other day I legit got in an argument with my co-workers on why I don't like my butt being grabbed by anyone (I'm a guy). Seriously.

They went on about "I don't mind it. Mike and I do it all the time and we don't care." Yeah, that's nice dude, but I'm not you, and there's something called "Keep your hands to yourself" (which was taught to a good portion of us growing up). Just like how Karen wouldn't like it if I touched her boobs or her grabbing your crotch or frankly ANY area you wouldn't like being grabbed, keep away. In general, you should not be touching me in any areas after I've told you not to several times before.

So unless you're sleeping me or dating me, keep your damn hands off my toosh.



My best friend and I argued over whether or not telekinesis was possible. Her argument was that humans don't yet know what the human brain at 100% usage was capable of, and that telekinesis was inside the possibilities.

I said the brain does use 100%, just at different times.

We didn't speak to each other for four days.



How dolphins reproduced and whether or not ghost existed (back to back with the same person). It took me a few solid minutes of explaining to her that dolphins have reproductive organs and that they did not just pop into existence (the argument began with her saying she wanted to work with sea creatures).

How it shifted to the existence of ghosts is a solid and reasonable question to ask (I don't remember why). I had to then proceed to tell her that ghost hunting TV shows do not constitute as undeniable evidence.

Personally, I hope she was messing with me cause I lost a little faith in humanity that day. This was in high school SO... hopefully she was kidding.


Dogs and Chocolate


I told this stupid woman that chocolate is toxic to dogs. She went on to tell me how a little bit will just make them hyper and then they will calm down. I told her to google it. Her and her bf shut right up. Now they have a kid. Good luck, Jeremy and Andrea. morons.

I should also add that this argument started because Jeremy was giving his tiny dog chocolate and I told him it was toxic.


Is water wet?

My roommate and I have a recurring argument over whether or not water is wet l, and whether or not a person is considered wet underwater.

For the record, it is no to both questions.


Mission Trip

A kid a church telling me about the mission trip I went on. Not only was I not on that trip, but I had never been on any mission trip. We were good friends, so it's not like he would've mistaken someone else for me.

He insisted I was there as if an entire week long trip would just fall out of my memory. He even had stories of things we'd done together. I'm not sure if he thought I was lying, joking, stupid, or crazy, but I was pretty sure he was some combination thereof.


Dragon Tales

One time I got into a shouting match with my mom and little brother in the car. The issue? The names of the two-headed dragon from the PBS kids afternoon show Dragon Tales. I swore it was Zack and Macie.

It was actually Zak and Wheezie. I don't even remember why we were yelling about it.


Green Or Yellow?

When I was about 15 or so my mother and I spent about 20-30 minutes arguing about the color of a shirt. We agreed it was blue/green, but to me it was just a shade more blue, while to her it was just a bit more green.

Turns out, your eyeballs yellow as you age and hers were 24 years yellower than mine, so I think that skewed her color vision.


Stars In Their Multitude


I once got in an argument over whether or not a line from the song "Stars" in Les Mis says "...but mine is the way of the lord" or "mine is the way of the law".

I didn't even really care what he thought but he was so adamant and cocky that it got me heated. By the end of it we were shouting at each other and I had to apologize, which I think is what he wanted the whole time.



My brother is colorblind. And he CONSTANTLY tries to correct me on what color things are.

"Hey could you hand me that red _____?" "that's orange" "no, it's red" "orange" "YOU CANT EVEN KNOW".

It is the base of our most common and heated arguments.


Hot Water

About five years ago, my girlfriend (now wife) once had a very intense argument about whether or not hot water cleaned things better than cold water.

She genuinely believed that water temperature didn't matter. This is someone who has not one, but two masters degrees.

We argued for something like 2 hours, and we seriously almost broke up over the whole thing.


Biology Class

I had an argument with a girl IN THE MIDDLE OF A BIOLOGY CLASS in high school about how humans are not mammals. She thought a human was a human and we are not mammals because "mammals are animals and humans are not animals"

I tried explaining to her the difference between reptiles and mammals and how humans fall under the mammal category to try and educate her... but she just wouldn't listen.

I still have no idea why the BIOLOGY teacher did not get involved...


Solid Or Liquid?

Some classmates and I got into a heated debate as to whether or not the human body could count as a soup, salad, or sandwich. The teacher got mad at us, but hey! All we were doing was watching a movie.

For the record, my logic lays with soup- Liquid contained within a solid, at a hot temperature.