People Share The Worst Excuses They've Gotten From A Cheating Ex
You're not serious are you?
Love is complicated. It's not like the movies. It's more like a Taylor Swift song or an Adele album. That's why they're so popular! Relationships can be difficult to navigate, especially if one partner can't pass strangers without falling into a bed. What's better is the excuses one uses for cheating. People are shocking.
Redditor u/sirkeylord was dying to know... What's the worst excuse you've heard for cheating?
50. What else?
My favorite: "the only reason I didn't cheat on you the last 3 months was because the job I had didn't give me an opportunity."
Another favorite: "well, I gave her a ride home and she didn't have cash, what else was I supposed to do?" Hilarious_83
Well, what else was he supposed to do? NOT cheat!? Don't be ridiculous. MattNemo
49. Written in the Stars...
My ex was very into astrology. She cheated and later blamed the great American eclipse of August 2017. SaltyStrength
Was she a fire bender and lost her powers or something? grantchart
"My wife was pregnant, so I wasn't getting any." my_future_wife
Ironic considering the best sex I ever had was with a pregnant girl. 10/10 would do again. Sporaticeratic
Ex girlfriend cheated when I fell asleep. . . said "since I wasn't responding, she assumed I was doing the same, so she cheated." Whack. drusey3
Well yeah, people who cheat assume everyone else is cheating. She was probably being honest when she said that. carnivoreinyeg
46. Well if you didn't have fun...
"I didn't even enjoy it because I was thinking about you the whole time and I felt terrible." btallredi
Have heard a variation of this. It made the situation worse because not only was he claiming to be thinking of me throughout the whole thing, but then ALSO making the decision to continue. Like halfway through, "Wait what about my partner.... naaaaah imma keep goin." nice_ghosty
45. Damn Tinder...
"I'm just on tinder to confirm that there's nothing better out there. It helps me appreciate you more." pdxcranberry
Fortunately though, she'd just forgotten to delete her profile. Thehotnesszn
44. Excuse me?
College roommate would cheat on his girlfriend a few times a semester, then feel awful about it and realize how much he loved his girlfriend.
He started to rationalize that "you need to cheat to stay faithful." Sully1102
43. No Tarts for you!
A friend in college cheated on his girlfriend because she told him he had to stop eating pop tarts to lose weight, and he didn't know how to break up with her. When she found out, he straight up told her to her face he couldn't give up pop tarts. I wish that was a lie, those things are high as hell in calories. Krunzuku
42. The Spirits told me to.Giphy
My buddy's dad was diagnosed with Colon cancer. He starts going to chemo and his wife starts going out with some other guy. His sister found out his mom was cheating on his dad so she told my buddy and he sat his dad down and talked to him.
Dad confronts cheating mom and she says (paraphrasing) "my fortune teller told me that the best way to get over your death would be to start something new with someone else."
Now mind you, his dad is not dead, or really even close. The cancer is responding well to chemo, and he's been slowly getting better. She literally tried justifying cheating on him because he might die....
She no longer lives in the house, and she, best to my knowledge, has been ex-communicated from the family. Reddit
41. How touching...
"It's not like it meant anything." Oh good, glad we cleared that up. Maxmoose800
Same. That actually made it worse to me. Like damn, if you would've been madly in love with him and just couldn't restrain your emotions, I mean I would still hate you but at least it would've been better than "I don't have to care about someone to f**k them even though you and I are together" haha. Nickbotic
40. Office Drama.
My ex: "he (her boss, married with 3 kids) offered me a (higher) position in the new company he was going to work at." Don't know, I ended the relationship and didn't look back. Pokemongolover
39. 2 Days.
Bestie was in the hospital having emergency surgery. Her family told her then-bf Sam, he never responded or showed. Cheated on her with a girl from high school, claiming "Well she didn't answer for 2 days!!" Yeah because she was nearly dead, forget you Sam. P_princess
38. Damn Penis.Giphy
"A penis has no conscience."
My late brother-in-law used that one. I used to think "Yeah, but the penis its attached to is supposed to." What's worse is my SISTER excused him by claiming (1) he had self-esteem issues and cheating made him feel better about himself (2) an accident left him with the emotional maturity of a 17 year-old so he couldn't control himself and (3) all men do it. sadjenny
37. The Monogamy Disease.
When they get caught, they try to play the "humans aren't meant to be monogamous" card. I'm like "if you don't believe in monogamy, why did you even marry in the first place only to cheat later? You could join a free love hippies commune at any time. But that's not what you did." moderate-painting
36. It's Always Stress.....
My ex-wife's. We'd been together since before university, been together through university (different uni's, same city), then got engaged and married after Uni. When I got my first actual big job after my graduation job a couple of years later we had to move across the country. She had been excited about the move, found a new job and got really involved in choosing the apartment we'd rent whilst we got set up and planning kitchen items she'd buy with my extra pay... it all seemed good and she genuinely seemed pretty excited for it.
About 2 weeks before the main move (I was already working there and commuting back and forth) I find out she's cheated, and then that she's cheated in the past and then that she cheated a year or more ago.
Her excuse: stress. Worried about moving to a new city? Bone a guy. Worried about your new job? Bone a guy. Worried about exams? Bone a guy.
She genuinely tried to make me feel sorry for her that she got so stressed that she had no option but to go and sleep with other people. I agreed with her that if that were true she had real problems and needed help, but disagreed that it was going to be my problem anymore.
It was a long time ago now, but a real eye-opener about other people lol. Can't be too angry though as we got married too young and the years that followed my divorce were some of the best of my life. Plus if it weren't for that I wouldn't have met my wife or have the family I have now, so all for the best in the end. Jjex22
35. Out of Area....
Someone once told me, "It doesn't count if its in a different zip code." And I noped right the heck out.
A, S.O. I had once told me, "Well I wouldn't have cheated if you were around." When I was on a two week pre planned trip. And he couldn't see why I'd break up with him over it. whateverlizard
I (25f) was married for 6 years and caught my husband cheating his response "i got nothing." That was it. swalto203
I have the most wonderful wife and I can never imagine cheating on her, but if I did and got caught, that would absolutely be my exact response. "I've got nothin'." alwaysaproject
33. Not true.Giphy
No, no they don't. If they do, they are crappy. lookitsblackman
A pet theory of mine about how much people hate when someone who's been cheated on calls it out publicly (other than the general how dare you interrupt my day sort of thing) is that any time you call out your ex as a cheating piece of crap, at least 30% of your audience is like "hey! I resemble that remark!" Tadhgdagis
32. Nice Try.
"You weren't around and she reminded me of you so you should feel flattered." selahoya
This actually made me mad reading it. sirkeylord
31. I'm going to punch you.
"Kissing is like holding hands, so it's not cheating, friends sometimes hold each other's hands. Maybe if I were doing it with lots of guys everyday, but that was a two times thing! Also, it was only a oral, it's not like we slept with each other, that would be cheating." valyriaed
30. Otherwise Engaged.
I said to a woman once, I'm married and she said, "that's ok, I'm married too." Reddit
"I'm engaged." "So am I. I don't see either of them here, though, do you?"
You don't see me here any more, either. See ya. DadJokesFTW
It was an exercise move that needed two people, to be naked in the shower. Reddit
And that's why I can't teach gym class anymore. spiritbx
I tripped and fell in between her skirt. Jimmy4SGF
And then tripped again for a good 50 times. And then fell on the floor and she tried to get up by standing up on top of me but she kept tripping about 20 times and then she started tripping faster for the next 12 times. After which she stopped tripping and walked away in shame while I sat there crying about how lonely I am. M0shka
"I felt like I wasn't good enough for you." wanalibi
Well... They proved themselves. sirkeylord
26. That Works?
"If you slept with me you'd be helping my relationship because we could have sex and then I'd go see her and last longer in bed."
Shockingly enough I said no. nochedetoro
I wonder how many times he tried that line and if it ever worked. Hopefully not. hobbitdude13
25. Dead Love.
I actually just found out I got cheated on a couple of days ago. Her excuse was "the relationship was dead" well maybe for you it was.
Safe to say, it definitely is now. Solar_Maniack
24. Taste the Rainbow....
"We were having a great time hanging out and she brought me Skittles!" Reddit
Who wouldn't sell off their relationship themselves for a bag of skittles?? Reddit
"She came into my bedroom and took her clothes off. What was I supposed to do?" marcvsHR
Kick her out and report her for sexual harassment? Reddit
22. That's why you should floss....Giphy
One morning I went to brush my teeth and my toothbrush was wet... I found that odd, so I asked my girlfriend if she used the blue toothbrush, she said "yeah" all casual. I said that the pink toothbrush was hers and she played it off like she didn't know.
I suddenly realized that we had been using the same toothbrush for a few weeks and it kind of grossed me out. That started a very small argument. I went to work as did she, but she didn't come home that night. The next morning I called her out and she admitted that she slept with another guy that didn't think she was gross. atlasbranded
21. Oh Ross....
"I thought we had been on a break." CheshireGrin92
WE WERE ON A BREAK!! RaeVonn
You ever looked back at that character he is the worst, Ross was a "nice" guy if I've ever seen one I mean this is a character who lied about annulling a marriage because it was injuring his self esteem. livingdeadfreak
20. It Always Counts....
I was told that cheating isn't a real thing unless you're married. danoll
I've heard that one! And the guy who said it for years, who would use it as an excuse to cheat on his girlfriend because they weren't married, as soon as he got married, he was cheating on his wife too! keetstreet
"I'm young and don't want to be tied down to somebody."
That's fine, but instead of cheating on somebody who thinks you actually care about them, specify that you're not looking for anything serious to begin with. holuvate
18. One Way or Another....Giphy
"One thing led to another..." as if it was just inevitable and couldn't be helped. Reddit
Adolf Hitler was a promising young art student. One thing led to another, and the United States dropped two atomic bombs on the sovereign nation of Japan! the_twelfth_dr
17. Lazy Answer.
I didn't think I would get caught. sarzec
"I thought you'd left!" - said to my college roommate when she left a party at her boyfriend's house, realized she'd forgotten something, went back and found him in his bedroom with someone else. She dumped him and it became a running gag for us to yell it at each other at random times. "Hey, can you get my lunch from the fridge for me?" "I thought you'd left!" Reddit
16. Call God.
She was Christian, I was not. She basically told me God made her cheat on me because he will not bless mixed religion relationships. So it was my fault. wall_of_swine
I think she needs to take another look at the commandments. Wheatley67
I think about 90% of the times an excuse is used for cheating, it involves alcohol, as if somehow that doesn't make it count. sirkeylord
Married friend of mine agreed to a threesome with hubby once. He then started sleeping around with other women when she wasn't present, claiming that she agreed to the threesome so it's okay and she can't be mad. Sadly she stayed with him and now they're in an "open relationship," meaning he can bring women home but she can't sleep with anyone else. She's miserable. enematowel
13. Be Detailed....
A friend of mine: "How could you? I trusted you!"
Her (now) ex: "If you didn't want me to cheat, you should have said so!"
Really have to have a twisted mindset to believe cheating is the default option. 😐 Callentino
She was contacting him a lot and when I found out that it had led somewhere and confronted him on it, word for word he said he 'didn't want to be a fool to her.' I was like, 'You didn't want to be a fool to HER? You're being a fool to ME!' Eskatrene
11. But we decided....
Her "Remember we talked about having an open relationship!"
Yeah and I said I'm not comfortable with that and you said ok. Had I known that ok was code for "I'm going to sleep with two of my coworkers at the same time while you're at your cousin's funeral" Then I'd have told you to screw off when you brought it up instead. RC_COW
My girlfriend at the time and I were at a concert. I lost her for 1 set and then caught her making out with her friend. She told me she had cancer and wanted to experience as much as she could before she died. We then broke up (of course) and months later she told me that a priest cured her cancer and that she wanted to get back together. thicccdoggo
9. The Ex.
My ex husband cheated on me with some married woman because he didn't like how her husband talked to her. Well he probably talked to her like she was crappy because she was crappy. Throwawayxxx8
Probably something like "Yeah, you like that, you damn moron?" kaloonzu
8. It's Me, not you...
That it was my fault she slept with three different guys, because I didn't do enough for her
Yeah, paying the rent, and for her car, and going out to dinner once a week (minimum) as well as spending what time I could with her wasn't enough apparently.
Followed up by "well I was going to end it anyway so it's not really cheating, we're more like roommates I'd say, I was gonna suggest we just keep living together even after this."
Like... after 6 years I was supposed to want to be room mates/friends with her? Just so I could pay for everything still? zornyan
7. A Fairytale...Giphy
"It was a mistake, I messed up. she didn't mean anything anyway."
We had sex, he said he loved me. the next day, while i worked a 14 hour day so i had the next day off to spend with him, he went on tinder, found a match, set up a bowling date, took her home and had her stay the night. all the while texting me telling me how much he couldn't wait to spend the next day with me. i told him i hoped he found the Cinderella of his dreams. BirdDog360
6. Grow up....
Not an excuse but I had my coworkers tell me I was being "childish and immature" for saying cheating is 100% a deal breaker, and unforgivable.
They said there are "certain circumstances" that make it forgivable.
And I told them I don't care what the circumstances are. Once you break someone's, someone you supposedly care deeply about, trust like that? It's done. No repeats, no second chances. You cheat? We're done. End of.
They still called me childish and naive. These are people in their 40s. rizcriz
5. Beware the Demon....
In high school I dated this guy who was pretty mentally unstable. He claimed he had a demon inside of him (100% sure it was some multiple-personality disorder or something similar) and he said that his "demon" needed to find a mate too, and it wasn't fair for him to be stuck with me too like his "host," my bf, was.
Well I was 15 and stupid (and terrified of being dumped) so after a lot of crying and pleading for him to not cheat, I eventually gave in.
Man if I could go back in time and slap 15 year old me. SharpieScentedSoap
4. Makes Sense....
The ends justify the means, basically. Kid was a prick.
"The grades are more important to me than learning. My dad has a job position for me even if i get caught. I'm good at it too. I made straight A's last year and didn't study at all" SearchingForKokomo
3. I just heard....
"I'm sorry, I've just never had anyone interested in me before."
Um... hey fool, what about me?
He told me this after I confronted him after a friend told me. catcatmewow
2. Get a Therapist....
She talked to five dudes behind my back and screwed 2 others, for months, what did she say to me "I had to do it, you know my secret"
("What secret that you're an attention seeker?" this was via text and I had cut her off)
"I have trust issues"
2 days later she had a new boyfriend, after threatening to kill herself over me, claiming she never loved me, blaming me for her problems, and threatening me, fun times. SupremeMemeCreamTeam
1. My Bad....Giphy
"You're always working and I'm lonely! It's not like I slept with anyone, there's no one on there anyway!"
Said by my ex-fiance when I caught him on a dozen dating sites, sexting and trying to talk a bunch of BIGGER women into sleeping with him. I mean he wasn't lying, I was working all the time so I could, you know... MAKE MONEY FOR US TO LIVE ON. Screw me right?! I guess if I'd paid more attention to him he wouldn't have "had" to seek attention from other women.
Damn boob. nymphaetamine
"It wasn't me!"
There's not much you can do when the righteous fist of the law comes down on you. Call it a mix-up, or call it a mistake, if someone's pegged you at the scene of a crime there's not much you can do but trust the justice system to prove you innocent. However, that's a gamble, and just because you've been given a "not guilty" doesn't mean the effects won't follow you for the rest of your life.
Reddit user, u/danbrownskin, wanted to hear about the times when it wasn't you, seriously, it was someone else, when they asked: