People Imagine What 'The Purge' Would Look Like In A Retail Setting and the Results Are Hilarious
It's not just another name for Black Friday.
The movie The Purge imagines a dystopian near future for America where there is one day where all crime, including murder, will be legal for 24 hours. A "retail purge"....is somehow a worse thing than that to imagine.
So let us, then, imagine.
A "Retail Purge" will be carried out from 9:00am to 9:00pm. For one day, employees will be able to do and say anything they want to customers or management without consequences as long as they're on company grounds. Customers, do you dare to shop? Retail workers, what do you decide to do that day?
Here's what people came up with.
I don't work in retail anymore, but I used to. I didn't have huge problems with customers usually. There were 2 or 3 bad ones, but I never walked in itching for a fight. The only person I have ever thought about going back to and chewing out was a supervisor.
She pulled me aside one evening during the Christmas rush and told me that when I didn't finish putting away all the carts, a guy with Parkinson's had to.
At first I felt bad, but the more I thought about it I was angry. How dare you try and make me feel bad for working my *ss off at min wage in the Christmas rush but still not accomplishing enough for the guy with Parkinson's to not have to finish up when YOU are the ones making a guy with Parkinson's do that? Go to hell management.
Revenge On The Customers
Would you like your milk in a bag?
Opens jug, pours milk in the bag.
Do you want a bag for your chips?
No, thank you.
dumps entire bag of chips on counter
I'm Out Of Ideas
I dunno, wear an outfit that isn't compliant with the dress code? I'm thinking red pants and my black denim jacket.
We were given Halloween themed t-shirts to wear for a week or so, but I wore them until just before Christmas before a manager finally told me to wear a blue polo again.
In My World
Everything is free unless we hate you, i am eating SO MANY SNACKS, we take turns blasting our own playlists over the speakers, i'm gonna see if we can build a really big cardboard box fort, i want to try and crawl into our ceiling (it has removable tiles), i'm probably going to throw a couple eggs around, and we sell a very particular jam that i NEED somebody to pitch to me so i can hit it with a bat.
As a customer: I might avoid shopping that day. I've never treated retail workers poorly, as I've been one, but there would always be the possibility that one with an axe to grind might take out their frustrations on me despite my not having done anything to offend them. If the "anything" they get to do includes assault & battery or murder, I'd definitely make do with whatever food and other stuff I had at home for the day.
Hamlet Wrote This
As a retail worker who works at a grocery store:
you decided to not move outta my way after I said excuse me 3x? Guess what? I'm tipping your damn cart over. Oh you wanna complain about the prices that I cannot control? Too bad, go back to Canada, Gertrude!
Sound The Bullhorn
Retail worker here I would do A few things.
- Carry a bullhorn around for the Express purpose of shouting at stupid customers ( most of whom seem to have a very loose grasp on the ability to read)
- Every phone call I answer from a customer with the question " what's the price of this thing" I will respond with " dunno but maybe our popular website where I'll be looking this price up could tell you"
- Demand a raise every time a manager asks me to do a task not in my normal job description
- Use a forklift to move the cars parked in the loading bay.
I Feel This
Retail worker here:
I hug eveyone. That's about it. Maybe give away free stuff.
"In a game with no consequences, why are you still playing the "Good" side?"
"Because being mean makes me feel bad."
I invited people to come behind the kitchen and make the food themselves. And then when they f*ck up, i yell at them like they yell at me. Then I whip minimum wage into their faces in rolls of pennies and promise to call corporate if they don't treat me with the divine gratitude I deserve.
Bitter? Nope. Not at all.
I Need To Get Out Of HereGiphy
Retail worker here at a bookstore and cafe. We always do a closing announcement, and it gives patrons 15 minutes to get ready to leave. By the time we close, we have about 15 to 30 people milling around the store like f*cking zombies. Many of them say they didn't hear the announcement. So, this would be my fifteen minute announcement today.
"Hey, everyone. The store will be closing in 15 minutes. We want everyone out of the store in 15 minutes. Not 16 minutes. Not 20 minutes. But fifteen g*ddamn minutes from now. If anyone is still in the store at the time the store closes, we will release the pit bulls, and you lazy f*ckers will be chased out of here like the f*cking lazy scum you are. So, to reiterate, you have fifteen fu*king minutes to leave or we will sick the f*cking dogs on you. Have a f*cking good night. *ssholes."
We would love to say this every day, but trust me when I say if you are making employees wait after close, we hate you with every fiber of our being with only one exception. You are buying so much stuff that it makes it worth our while. If you are not buying a sh*t-ton of stuff, and you walk up to our register one minute after close with that two dollar trinket you want, that smile you see us wearing is the smile of us imagining your torture.
So, don't be the last person out of a store long after close. You had a whole f*cking day to buy your sh*t. You have no excuse.
sigh I think I need a f*cking vacation.
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Laws should always protect the people, ALL the people!
Laws are amiable. We know this. They often change with the times, with enough revolution that is. Laws are there to protect and serve, however they can be too complex and just downright odd and often absurd.