Silly People Share The Best Names They've Given To Inanimate Objects
Do you name your favorite stuff?
moneybot13 asked, What inanimate object have you given a name?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Beware of penguin thing.
I have a humidifier that looks like a penguin named Sir Puffington Blue. He's broken, and about a year ago I put him in a dumpster. About an hour later I went back out and rescued him. I couldn't take the guilt. Now Sir Puff guards the basement.
The name is very fitting.
My dressmaker's mannequin. She wears all of the things I make, and her name is Marie Antoinette because she doesn't have a head.
Everybody gets to ride Jezebel.
My old car was named Jezebel. The whore of Babylon. She needed jumping a lot lol
Do they come alive at night? Bet they do.
I have like 15 garden gnomes. They all have names. Nigel, Arthur, Clarence, etc.
And our GPS is named Wanda.
Poor Lorraine, all those Rooma hazards.
Our Roomba is named Lorraine. Just because every morning after we feed the dogs it's time to go find where the Roomba wedged itself or ran out of battery.
For some reason, it's just entertaining to me to say "Lorraine! Where you at girl?" then when I find her tangled in headphone cords or under the couch I'll say "Lorraine, you so crazy"
I'm a simple man.
Beuford the snail cookie jar.
We have a ceramic snail cookie jar that we put a fake mustache on and named Beuford. We also named our Google Home "Gillie Hog" for times when we want to talk about her but not be activated.
Here's a pic, you know you want one.
Might as well name things we keep around.
"Knifey" - My chef's knife whom I've kept quite sharp and used for most of my meals for the last 7 years.
"Castie" - My cast iron skillet whom I've kept well-seasoned and used for most of my meals for the last 6 years.
They're good boys.
Did Wilbur and Charlotte ever hookup?
I named my laptop Charlotte. My USB is in the shape of a pig, and I named him Wilbur.
The internet on my laptop I call... Charlotte's web.
Hopefully named after guitar players...
Guitars...all of mine have names!
Can you get me some milk of magnesia?
We call the fancy wood table in our upstairs hallway "The Davenport", after the Family Guy episode where Brian is dating the older woman, and at the end, she runs through all the old-fashioned names for her pieces of furniture as she instructs Brian where to leave her spare keys.
Rita: I'm sorry Brian, but you screwed up. Now please go.
Brian: But Rita...
Rita: Go! You can leave my apartment key on the davenport.
Rita: No, the davenport - the chesterfield.
Brian: On this?
Rita: No - does that look like a divan to you?
Rita: Leave them on the chifferobe.
Brian: You know what - just take your f_cking keys.
So much nostalgia in one sentence.
My old gaming rig's name was Speedy Gonzales, but the graphics card isn't what it used to be, so now it's Slowy Gonzales.
Awww that's cute. He won't harm nobody.
I have a deformed toenail that doesn't grow out but just gets thicker and twisted. I call him Quasimotoe.
Sounds like a prickly group.
I named all of my cacti - Juan, Hernandez, Stephen and Fred
Not inanimate but super cute anyway.
We don't have any cacti but our venus fly trap is named Charlie.
And unlike people they won't let you down.
Stuffed animal? That's Juan
Found a cool rock? Timothy loves his new home!
Roommate got a new plant? That ain't no chocolate daisy, that's flippin' Soybean Sasha!
Basically, if it can ever be brought up in conversation, I have likely already named it.
Clever puns are always worth sharing.
I have a crescent wrench at work I call Crescente Fernandez after the Mexican singer Vicente Fernandez. I never realized what a loser I am until now.
Hey now minivans can be sexy too...
Our minivan is called "Shadowfax". Because it wasn't already enough of a panty-dropper.
Your first car is a special bond.
I called my first car "The Silver Surfer". It was silver colored and gave me the freedom to go around. Seemed fitting.
Does Sudsy require rinsing?
Our dishwasher is named Sudsy.
We have a floor lamp that I've hung all of my scarves on and we call it Johnny Depp.
Secretly, we all fear having birthdays like the one in Sixteen Candles, where nobody shows up and we're forced to deal with how lonely we feel as people. But sometimes, people have things happen on their birthday that put Molly Ringwald to shame.
It stinks to have your special day go sour. Moreover, it hurts, that if whatever happened was bad enough, you will never be able to not associate your birthday with that awful thing.